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Probe Special Report:

Transcript of intercepted conversation
between Osama bin Laden & Afghanistan

[First intercepted conversation, in Afghanistan]


OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hey! How was your day? Have you thought about what you want to do for dinner?

A: We're not really hungry.

ObL: Oh. Yeah. Me neither. You wanna rent a movie?

A: NO! No. Look. Let's just... (sighs)

ObL: Hey... is something wrong?

A: Look... we don't think this is working out.

ObL: What isn't? I don't...

A: You and us. We're not working out.

ObL: Are you...? You are! You're breaking up with me. Allah on a popsicle stick!

A: We think it would be better if you left.

ObL: I don't *believe* this! This is... it's America, isn't it? I *knew* it!

A: It's *not* America. This has something that's been brewing for a long time --

ObL: [*sniff*] You liar! It *is* America. Bush makes a couple ultimatums --

A: Wouldn't it be "ultimata?"

ObL: Shut up! Bush makes a couple of "ultimata," and the next thing I know you're flat on your back. Whore!

A: Oh. Nice. That's really adult of you.

ObL: What are you -- attracted to them?

A: Of course not! Don't be ridiculous!

ObL: You are! You want to be their ally!

A: Look, we're going to go out for a while. When we come back, it would be great if you could not be here.

ObL: Just like that, huh? How long have you known about this?

A: You can send one of your cronies to pick up your missles and stuff later.

ObL: I should blow you up.

A: Ooooh. Big man. Oh, by the way -- that Emerson, Lake and Palmer box set you bought us for our birthday? You can have it. We never liked them anyway. We were just pretending. We did a lot of that.

[sound of slamming door]

ObL: Fine! I didn't want to stay anyway! I'll continue my jihad without you! I don't need you! I don't need anybody!!!

[Second intercepted conversation, in Iraq]

IRAQ: Dude, you look terrible. What happened?

ObL: Don't ask. Afghanistan kicked me out.

I:No way.

ObL: I shit you not. That country is wack.

I:We told you. Remember? We were like, "Dude. Afghanistan is fucked in the head. Bad childhood and all." But you wouldn't listen. "Afghanistan needs me," you said. "You don't know her like I --"

ObL: All RIGHT! All right, already. Allah! [short pause] Look, would it be all right with you if I stayed here a while? Just until I got my feet on the ground?

I: Dude, you know we'd like to help you...

ObL: It'll be like old times! Remember --

I: Can't do it, man. No fuckin' way.

[long pause]


[sound of slamming door]

(Transcribed by Jeff Scherer)

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