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October 8, 2002

Bush Questions Democrats' Patronship

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush is questioning the patronship of Democratic senators. "Some senators don't care about the security of the local supermarket. They just grab what they need at the convenience store or at one of them elite gourmet food stores," he said. "Real Americans shop at national chain supermarkets and buy things like lettuce and crawfish. What are these endives and langostini that some people buy? It's just a difference of values. Some people are loyal patrons of big supermarkets, while others buy their fancy-pants food any old place, willy nilly." In response, an outraged Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle demanded to know whether Bush could question "the supermarket patronship of well-fed Senators like Ted Kennedy or Barbara Mikulski."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Randy Moss Is Sick of Your Fuckin' Shit

MINNEAPOLIS (DPI) - Minnesota Vikings Pro Bowl receiver Randy Moss is sick of your fuckin' shit, man. He's tired of you doggin' him, motherfucker, and will fuck up your shit if you don't get off his back, goddammit. Moss believes nobody fucking understands him, so what's the fucking point? Furthermore, he appears to be tired of all this media bullshit and he just wants to fucking play football, is that all right with you? Now get off his fucking back before he completely loses his shit and totally fucks your ass up, see what I'm sayin', bitch?

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Pavarotti Pregnancy Puzzles Logistics Experts

ROME (DPI) - The partner of opera star Luciano Pavarotti is expecting twins, spokeswoman Renata Meroni said Sunday, confirming months of rumors. "Yes, Nicoletta (Mantovani) is four months pregnant," Meroni told Daily Probe, "But it's wholly doubtful Mr. Pavarotti is the father. I mean, he's so friggin' fat he brings his own toilet when traveling. It's simply a physical impossibility." Meroni went on to note that the famous tenor's string of canceled performances last spring wasn't due to illness, but rather the opening of a new Cheesecake Factory. "Damn, he is a big fellow," she said.

(Reported by Luke Schollmeyer)

Iraq Means It This Time. Really.

NEW YORK (DPI) - To lighten the mood after the U.N. Security Council debated overtures to allow inspectors back into his country, Iraqi Foreign Minister Saeed Hasan entertained U.N. members for hours by pretending to throw a ball before hiding it behind his back. "This joining in the social aspects of the U.N. is new from Iraq," said Secretary-General Kofi Annan. "It finally shows their willingness to be a team player. This is why we trust them this time." Hasan, for his part, had no comment as he was holding court around a card table bidding members to locate the red queen.

(Reported by Davejames)

Osama bin Laden Wins Vilest Evildoer at Evilies

Augusta National Admits Little Debbie To Snack Bar

Suspect Thievey McMurdercrook Claims Police Bias

Leaflets Warn Iraqis of War, End of Macy's White Sale

Study: 97% of Statisticians Full of Shit

Umbrella Protected With Convenient Rain Sleeve

First U.S. Vampire Contracts West Nile Virus

Kate Moss Gives Birth To Stick Figure

Overly Specific Questioning Fails to Catch Three-Timing Boyfriend

Rams, Cornhuskers Send Delegates to National Convention of Suck

Lili Has Weapons of Mass Convection

More headlines

If You Go to a Urologist, Expect to Get a Long Device Jammed Up Your Schwartz

Anatomists Fail to Identify "Front of Women's Chest Things"

Anatomical Flat Flattens Man

PHOENIX (DPI) - An ambulance was called downtown after a man collapsed and rolled over in pain while walking along Central Avenue. Paramedics quickly determined that the man, Derrick Powell, 36, had suffered a blowout in his right testicle. EMT Sheila Barnes acted quickly to relieve the pressure before the left one blew. Emergency room physician Kamel Patel said it was the worst case of "blue balls" he had ever seen. Reportedly Mr. Powell's last words before he entered the operating room to have a patch kit surgically installed were, "Curse you, woman, I'll sleep on the couch no longer!"

(Reported by Dave Henry)


Law & Order: CSI Debuts to Mixed Reviews
Market Down on Investor Fears of Consumer Pessimism About Future Investor Fears
Berenstains Celebrate 40th Anniversary of Crappy Bear Stories
Opinion: I Would No Longer Pick My 401(k) Balance off the Ground if I Fucking Dropped It
French Fries Linked to Cancer, Onion Rings to Halitosis
Bush: Saddam's Pronunciation of "Nuclear" A Threat To U.S.
Hasselhoff: Drinking Filled the Emptiness of a Life Without Lots of Boobs
Report: 85% of New ABC Fall Shows to Feature Shark-Jumping
Red Dragon Audiences Horrified As Hannibal Lecter Eats Armour Potted Meat
FBI To Investigate Mysterious Disappearance of Daily Probe's Graphics Staff

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