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October 12, 2004

The next issue of the Daily Probe will be published on October 26.

FOX Declares Bush
2004 Election Winner!

NEW YORK (DPI) - The FOX News network has officially declared incumbent George W. Bush the winner of the 2004 presidential election. Hoping to get a jump on the other news networks, all of whom have committed to waiting until after the November 2 election to declare a winner, FOX announced yesterday that Bush had defeated Democratic challenger John Kerry by "thousands" of electoral votes. "We saw no point in waiting," FOX chairman Rupert Murdoch said. "Kerry had no chance whatsoever. Our most recent poll showed Bush leading by upwards of 125 percent with less than three weeks to go." FOX said that Bush won the popular vote as well, by "one million, billion, trillion, zillion, gajillion votes."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani, Jim Rosenberg)

Kerry Camp Finds Proof Bush Was Wired

People Who Joked About Christopher Reeve Prepare to Rot in Hell

NEW YORK (DPI) - As funeral plans were being made for beloved actor Christopher Reeve, those who mocked his 1995 serious injury and resulting paralysis have begun to plan for eternal damnation. "When I made the 'robot wars' joke about him a few years ago, I never thought he'd die so young from a heart attack," said a Daily Probe reporter in a hopeless attempt to escape his fate as the boy-toy in Satan's morning gang bang for the next few centuries.

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Airlines Continue Purging Flights of '70s Singer-Songwriters

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In the wake of United Airlines' bouncing of Cat Stevens off of a recent flight to Washington, several U.S. airlines are following suit in a vigorous campaign to rid America's skies of washed-up 1970s soft rock performers. So far, various airlines have ejected over a dozen "Macrame Plant Hanger Era" has-beens, including Seals and Crofts, Gordon Lightfoot and England Dan and John Ford Coley. An airline official justified the oustings saying that "transporting these golden moldies posed a number of potential threats to our other passengers, including the possibility of 'Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald' ear worms." An attempt to toss deceased singer Jim Croce from a flight was thwarted by his fans.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Blair Undergoes Surgery to Reinsert Nose Up Clinton's Ass

LONDON (DPI) - British Prime Minister Tony Blair underwent a procedure recently to correct an irregular heartbeat, indicating Blair has reattached his identity with recent quadruple-bypass patient Bill Clinton. British political pundits recognize the operation as a not-so-subtle ploy to win back the hearts of the people as his election battle nears. According to Alistair Cromwell, political editor for the Swindon-on-Avon Tribune, "British voters on the whole have grown deeply disenchanted with the PM's immediate and fast-held oral attachment to the throbbing member of George W Bush in 2001, and Mr. Blair is undeniably hoping that this minor cardiac operation will symbolize his intent to imitate feebly the much more popular Clinton in his next term."

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

White Man Integrates Mall Food-Court Chinese Restaurant

Bridgewater, NJ (DPI) - James Richards, 27, made history Thursday as the first white male to be employed at and successfully integrate the Bridgewater franchise of the Chinese food chain Panda Express. Escorted by mall security to his new position behind the beef and broccoli tray, Richards became the first employee of the Bridgewater Commons food court establishment to not be a recent immigrant originating from the Chinese province of Quangzhao. Richards said, "I figured I was the man strong enough to bring this historic change to Panda Express. Plus, after I got fired from Spencer Gifts for stealing a neon novelty cock ring, this was the only place in the mall that would even look at my application."

(Reported by Ken Martin)

Minorities Divided Over November "The Man" Election

Slow Boat Veterans Say Kerry Never Visited Tunatown

Psycho Actress Janet Leigh Dies; Psycho Actress Anne Heche Doing Fine

Hackman Held for Questioning After Reeves Death

Kerry's Chin Dislikes Term "Peninsula," Prefers "Archipelago"

Singer Etheridge Diagnosed With Breast Cancer; Crosby Offers to Donate One of His

Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit to Reality

Selig: Rose Bet on Caminiti in Dead Pool

Billy Joel Cited by Young Bride for Going Too Fast on Wedding Night

Mount Saint Helens, Pee Wee Herman About to Erupt

Bush Doesn't Like Internet He's Using, Wants to Try Other Internets

Science Discovers New Charm Particle

I Wish Thom Yorke Would Just Sell Out Already

Beerman for President

I Wouldn't Fuck Christina Aguilera If She Paid Me To

Bush Wants Candy

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush today angrily informed aides that he wanted candy, now! The president noted that other presidents had been supplied candy and that it was not fair that he didn't have any candy and he was going to pound his feet until the Oval Office pictures shook if someone didn't get him some candy right now.

(Reported by Mr. Sun)

Kitty Dukakis Reliving Horror of Allegorical Rape, Murder

BOSTON (DPI) - Kitty Dukakis, wife of former presidential candidate Michael Dukakis, finds herself yet again dealing with the trauma of enduring a hypothetical rape and murder. "When Michael made only a half-hearted attempt to save me from a horrible, made-up homicide committed by CNN's Bernard Shaw back in 1988, it took a long time for those wounds to heal. Only with the help of my fictitious crime victim support group was I able to put that horrific non-existent crime behind me." After last week's presidential debate and Rush Limbaugh's branding of John Kerry's "global test" remark as the "Kitty Dukakis line" of the night, Dukakis said that "all the pain and anguish of my brutal hypothetical molestation and murder came back." Tests conducted on Mrs. Dukakis for hypothetical DNA evidence were inconclusive.

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Mount St Helens Joins 1980s Retro Frenzy

MOUNT ST HELENS NATIONAL PARK, WA (DPI) Recent seismic and volcanic activity from Mount St. Helens has naturalists all abuzz and, until recently, had geologists scratching their heads. On Monday afternoon, all scientific questions were answered when Arn Aaronsen, publicist for the mountain, stated, "MSH just wants to slice off a piece of that '80s retro coin, Baby! Check it: new-wave-punk bands, tax cuts for the rich, Russian crackdowns on rebel states, Loverboy tours, shaky missile programs -- all you need are the skinny ties and hairspray and we'll all be doing the Safety Dance! The money is flying around, and MSH just wants to cash in on her '80s fame -- if Survivor can gets a Starbucks gig, my girl deserves a taste!"

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Rumsfeld Eruption Imminent

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Scientists working at the National Volcanic Activity Center here have issued a level 3 alert claiming Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is likely to erupt at any time. "We have been monitoring this situation for some time now," said Bill Stokes, the center's director in charge of monitoring seismic activity. All signs are pointing to an imminent eruption. Pentagon employees have been warned to keep their distance from Rumsfeld's office and that evacuations may be necessary.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Dangerfield Widow, 32, Turns Attention to Aging Jackie Mason

J.D. Power Names Ford Explosion Best Car Bomb in Class

Booze Cruise Arrives at Barf Wharf

Poll: 88% of Likely Voters Tell Pollsters to Go Fuck Themselves

Constipated Man Calls for Exit Strategy

Sucky, Closer Vacation Destination Settled For

Thong Bikini Issue Divides Community, Buttocks

Stoner Donates Stems for Research

Court Denies Limbaugh's Appeal for Powdered Donuts

Wardrobe Malfunction Leaves Stripper Fully-Clothed

Bonus Points Expire

Che Guevara Films Kick Off Winter of U.S. Self-Loathing

Study: Headlines Up to 30% Lamer Near the Bottom

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