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October 14, 2003

Clean, Sober Limbaugh Shocked to Learn About Shit He's Been Saying on Air

NEW YORK (DPI) - Now that he's detoxing from years of prescription drug abuse, conservative AM talk show guru Rush Limbaugh said he is "dumbfounded" to discover the "humongous pile of steaming crap" he's been unloading on millions of listeners while under the influence for the past 20 years. "Did I really say that tax cuts for the rich don't *cost* anything, but instead, they create money, and that the war in Iraq is going well? Holy shit, I wish my maid had flipped on me sooner." Limbaugh was also shocked to discover that a network had actually hired him as a professional football commentator.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Office Coup Overthrows Middle Management

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - In a stunning turn of events, employees at Tamasign Inc. have managed a successful coup over middle management. The move began when all the managers were called away to a conference in Micronesia. When they arrived, the corporate expense department revoked their return ticket and hotel reservations. Since the takeover, coffee breaks have well exceeded the 15-minute limit and the supply room has run dangerously low on permanent markers. The marketing office has since taken over the big conference room with leather chairs along with the month's supply of doughnuts.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Parents of Conjoined Twins Having Hard Time Picking Favorite Child

DALLAS (DPI) - Now that their 2-year-old conjoined twins have been separated by surgery, the parents of the Egyptian boys, who were joined at the head, must begin the difficult task of determining which child they like better and embark on a long program of slightly preferential treatment. "Because they were so young and conjoined, it was easy to put off the decision," said their father, Ibrahim Mohammed Ibrahim. "But now we must prepare one child for the world by opening all the doors for him and prepare the other by forcing him to learn to try harder in life, starting with fighting for our attention and love. We have treated them the same up to now, and that has slowed the process, but we think can make up for lost time by renaming one of the children The Chosen One and the other The Thing We Cut Off of Your Brother."

(Reported by Davejames)

Red Sox Use Rain Delay to Play with Slip 'n Slide

BOSTON (DPI) - Starting players for the Boston Red Sox used their rain delay at Fenway Park on Sunday against the New York Yankees to turn that "rainy day into a time to play" by pulling out the team's Slip 'n Slide for some fun in the wet soggy outfield. "This is such a blast," said Sox manager Grady Little. "I thought we were going to be stuck inside all day with nothing to do but hope the rain would go away."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Man Embarrassed to Hear Self Laughing at Tiger Mauling

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - While his brain sympathetically pondered the tragedy of the white tiger attack against Vegas animal magician Roy Horn last week, Carl Ralph was horrified to hear his mouth laugh hysterically of its own accord. Ralph, who called the attack the most horrendously hilarious and terribly sad slapstick of tragic comedy he has ever not wanted to chuckle at, said he feels ill at ease. "It's so very heartbreaking to see a man who once put a pink bow on a wild tiger get mauled by it, particularly when you see how funny it is that a man who once put a pink bow on a wild tiger got mauled by it. I feel so amusingly bad about the whole thing," said Ralph.

(Reported by Davejames)

North Korea Threatens to Elect Schwarzenegger, Too

Franken Readies Pain Pills and the Popping Poppers Who Pop Them

Cubs, Red Sox, Doomsday Clock Advance

Someone Named Bob Graham Drops Out of Presidential Race

Siegfried Auditions for Kobe's Media Circus

Critics Laud Latest Baby Book as "Delicious"

Carl Weathers, Danny DeVito: We Were Groped by Arnold

New Colored Money Released, Not That I'll Ever See Any

More headlines

I Hope You Employees Got Enough of That Touchy-Feely Crap in the '90s

Mom Used Bad Intel to Justify Eating Broccoli

Church Claims Condoms Kill

Bush Refuses to Ask for Directions

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After driving around aimlessly for months looking for the "Baghdad Exit" on the Washington Beltway, President Bush announced today that he has changed his mind about stopping at the United Nations to ask for directions and expressed full confidence that he will find the exit eventually by himself. Bush did pull over briefly last week and ask Secretaru of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to give up his front seat to National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. Rumsfeld has been urging Bush to "floor it" for several months, but this recently resulted in an $87-billion speeding ticket. Rice is expected to advise Bush to take any available right turns and hope for the best.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Gray Davis to Walk Among Undead

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (DPI) - In the likely event efforts to recall him are successful, California Governor Gray Davis announced today that he will retire from politics to pursue a career walking among the undead. "While it will grieve me to leave public service, if the people of California believe it is time to step down, I will take this opportunity to spend more time with my family," said Davis in a prepared statement, "and also to satisfy my unholy desire to devour the brains of the living." A spokeszombie cautioned that the undead community has reservations about admitting Davis. "We have standards to uphold, after all."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

David Blaine Announces Next Stunt

Bloomington, IL (DPI) - Okay, whatever. Anything good on FOX tonight?

(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)

Pentagon Selling Worn-Out Generals On eBay

California Claims Sudetenland, Alsace-Lorraine

Animal Advocates' Internal Organs Liberated by Bears

British Tabloid: J-Lo Has Rubbish in the Boot

Toes: Evolutionary Leftovers or Nature's Baby Toys?

300 Classes Later, CPR Practice Dummy Still Dead

Terrell Owens Signs Coach's Genitalia for Grateful Fan

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