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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Elisha Cuthbert,
star of Fox's 24

Dear Elisha,

I'm a junior at a small college. My art prof is in his early 30s and a total hunk. Sometimes I see him looking at me, and although I'm young, I've been around enough to know what that look means. Do I risk getting into a May-December relationship?

Lusting In Lubbock

Dear LIL,

It's perfectly natural to be concerned about an age difference, especially in today's society. However, you have to remember that these are matters of the heart, and your heart doesn't ask how old you are. To put this in perspective, I recently met the perfect man, Daily Probe reporter Greg Preece, and although we have about 10 years between us, I didn't let it get in the way. He was hesitant at first, saying things like, "But Elisha, I know you're beautiful, sexy and talented, but I'm just so much older than you!" I managed to convince him otherwise by taking off my sweater, stalking toward him like a predatory cat, and giving him the most passionate kiss he's ever experienced. "I need a man," I growled into his ear, "And you, Greg Preece of Toronto, Canada, are the man I've been looking for! Take me, Greg Preece, and take me now!" Well, I won't get into any further details, but suffice it to say he proved to me what a man he could be, and has proven it to me again (sometimes three times a day!) ever since. What a man! And we have so much in common! We're both Canadian, we both think my TV-movie Lucky Girl is a brilliant piece of cinema, and we both look at Kiefer Sutherland as a sort of father figure! Greg Preece, you complete me!

Dear Elisha,

Recently I've been offered a chance to model in Maxim magazine, but I'm afraid that it may cheapen me, and I can't imagine what my boyfriend will say! What do I do?

Model in Madison

Dear MIM,

I was worried about that myself. In fact, I was so worried that I contacted Daily Probe contributor and perfect man Greg Preece for advice. He told me, "Elisha, not only am I stunned by your beauty and sensuality, but I can also tell that you are brilliantly intelligent, and if I can see that, others will too!" Greg Preece is such a wonderful, understanding and passionate man, but my infatuation with Greg Preece runs much deeper. I only hope your boyfriend is as understanding, not to mention as accomplished a lover as Daily Probe contributor Greg Preece, who is sexy, attractive, and able to play me like an instrument!

Dear Daily Probe,

I am the legal counsel representing actress Elisha Cuthbert. It has recently come to my attention that one of your writers has taken your publication as a venue for his own personal, fictional, and quite frankly disturbing fantasies about my client. Please be advised that if he continues, my client will seek a restraining order against him and further legal action will be taken. Govern yourselves accordingly.

Robert Nussbaum

(Transcribed by Greg Preece)

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