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October 15, 2002

(The Daily Probe is skipping the October 22 issue
so that we can work on our Halloween costumes.
We'll be back with a new issue on October 29.)

Town Waist-Deep in Feces Puts Clifford the Big Red Dog to Sleep

BIRDWELL ISLAND (DPI) - Tired of Jurassic Park-sized mounds of dog doo, residents of the community had Clifford the Big Red Dog put down this morning. "The monster piles of steaming stool were only part of the problem," said Mayor Roger Watson. Every time Clifford took a leak, the 40-plus gallons of urine would make the whole island smell like Mardi Gras. He's put several people in the hospital from leg-humping. And of course, nothing was more disgusting than watching him lick his beer ball-sized testicles."

(Reported by Miles Walker, Graphic by Michael Sheinbaum)

Yankees, Braves Fold Like Cheap Deck Chairs

NEW YORK (DPI): The Atlanta Braves and New York Yankees, the two most dominant teams in Major League Baseball over the past decade, folded like a couple of cheap deck chairs under the hot-dish-and-beer-swollen asses of pasty Midwestern cruise patrons this past week in the first-round playoffs. And like those overstuffed vacationers, their spoiled, win-fattened fans reacted as if their ample cabooses had been pinched and their flabby bulks had unceremoniously hit the decks -- they cursed, moaned and then dusted themselves off and headed back to the all-you-can-eat buffets that are Atlanta and New York, salving their damaged egos and battered patooties by stuffing themselves at each city's cultural and entertainment smorgasbords.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Bush Angered by Iraq's Plans to Fight Back

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Bush administration expressed shock at recent news that Iraq will fight back, and perhaps even lash out in panic, if attacked. "To think those cowards might shoot back at our airplanes, or shoot missiles at our allies, is very disturbing," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Our decision to overthrow their government is no excuse for such drastic and heartless action." The military is now revising its initial plan of being carried triumphantly through the desert on the backs of grateful villagers before chasing Saddam Hussein through the streets of Baghdad while cheering onlookers pelt him with rotten fruit.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Jimmy Carter Wins Nobel Peace Prize for Handling of Homicidal Rabbit

OSLO, Norway (DPI) - Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize today for not smacking the living crap out of a crazed rabbit that attacked him while on a fishing trip in 1979. "Mr. Carter showed unbelievable pacifism despite an attack by a very whacked bunny," said Gunnar Berge, head of the awards committee. "Christ, anybody that's seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail would've trounced that furry little bastard." Carter was also commended for not beating the hell out of predecessor Gerald Ford following Ford's pardon of Richard Nixon and for not slapping Billy even once during his administration.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Bush Mixes Speeches, Proposes New War for Wealthy

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Unaware that the TelePrompTer was accidentally set to his standard tax-cut speech, President Bush called for making war permanent in an address to the nation last week. Saying that "good jobs depend on more war," Bush asked Congress to authorize a series of new wars, most aimed at the top 1 percent of wealthy Americans. Bush chided those who think his war is too big, saying that war is even more important during a time of deficits and stagnation. "In fact, all my advisers agreed what we really need when the voters are troubled by a crashing stock market and corporate fraud is a good war," Bush said.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Brolin Nearly Ready to Relinquish Money Over Streisand Dumbfuckery

Iraq Playing Keep-Away With U.N. Inspectors' Hats

Rice, Powell Under Pressure to "Hook Up"

Kmart, Stewart Embarrassed to Be Associated With Each Other

Trump to Name WTC Replacement "Trumpire State Building"

Bush Uncertain How to Wrap Iraq for Father's Day Gift

"Die America! Charities" Suspected of Funding Terrorism

NRA: Sniper Protesting 5-Day Wait Period

Stim-U-Dents Still Unopened

More headlines

Scientists Discover Yet Another Pointless, Icky Bug

Overdue Library Materials Confirm bin Laden's Death

Bush Now Totally Into Nation-Building

Man With Light-Up Hat Never Buying Non-Lighting Hat Again

TOPEKA, Kan. (DPI) - Arvin Baker, 67, can't believe he's been buying archaic headwear all these years. After procuring a battery-operated lightup "Waikiki" cap on a recent trip to Hawaii, his life has not been the same. "To think of the technological age we live in, where a guy can make a snazzy statement with real electricity right from here," said Baker, pointing to the blinking fiber-optic gadget. Baker plans a garage sale to rid himself of all his collection of "obsolete" headgear, including his cherished Topeka Agriculture & Farm Association 1998 cap and one that reads, "I'm Only Here For The Beer!"

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Rumsfeld Planning Invasion of Egypt

Study: All Children Hyperactive

CHICAGO (DPI) - Novartis Pharmaceuticals, makers of the drug Ritalin, have completed a study which conclusively shows nearly all children suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in classroom situations. Children ages 4 to 16 of both sexes were instructed by a teacher to sit quietly with their heads down in a classroom that simulated being consumed by fire. Despite the teacher's repeated warnings, nearly 98 percent of the children exhibited behavior from "extremely fidgety" to "defiant." Some were even so disruptive as to leave the classroom completely. Based on these results, the drug maker and schools have declared Ritalin a "food supplement" and plan to provide it at all school meals.

(Reported by Davejames)

Drunken Twins Fan Gives Selig "Piece of My Fuckin' Mind"

MINNEAPOLIS (DPI) - Longtime Minnesota Twins fan Mark Niebuhr of Minneapolis had some choice drunken words for Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig following the Twins' victory over Anaheim in game one of the American League championship series Tuesday night. "Whaddya think of that, dickhead?" inquired Niebuhr, adding: "You think you're so smart. Who's smart now, fuckwad? Who do you think you are, smartass? I got your contraction right here, fucko!" All witnesses to the confrontation affirmed that Niebuhr, though hardly clever about it, told that TV off "real good."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Helsinki Shopping Center Rocked by Explosion, Twisted Sister
Rapscallion Phileas Fogg Makes Foolish Wager to Circumnavigate Globe in Mere 80 Days
Spam for Midget Porn Causes Hysterical Blindness
Picketing Pantomimes Even More Irritating
Bill Maher Calls D.C. Sniper "Courageous"
Amateur Night Girl Anything But
WASPs Agree: Olive Garden Has Kick-Ass Italian Food
Congress Grants Bush Authority to Invade Iraq, Power of Flight, X-ray Vision
Rumsfeld Congratulates Carter on Winning "Nobel Wuss Prize"

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