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October 21, 2003

Cubs Fan Apologizes for Shooting JFK

CHICAGO (DPI) - Cubs fan Steve Bartman issued an apology for shooting President John F. Kennedy in 1963. "I had my eyes glued on the approaching motorcade the entire time and was so caught up in the moment that I did not even see President Kennedy, much less that he was in my line of fire," said Bartman. "Had I thought for one second that the bullet I intended for Gov. Connally would hit the president, I would have done whatever I could to get off of the grassy knoll and allow Kennedy a chance to serve his term."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Osama Releases Greatest Threats Compilation

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Irish Pub Night Ruined by Irish

CHICAGO (DPI) - A nice evening out for good friends Andy Bernstein and Ed Slovek, both 36, was ruined by the presence of actual, dirty, violent Irish at the Irish pub where the two were enjoying a beer, according to Slovek. "We were barely into our shepherd's pie and second pint of Guinness when these three big drunken Irish guys starting laying into us," said Slovek, nursing a black eye with an ice pack. According to bartender Ernie O'Callahan of the Fado pub in Chicago's River North district, surly toothless grunting Irish louts break up Fado's pleasant Irish atmosphere at least once a night.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Lieberman Proposes That He Receive the Democratic Nomination

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (DPI) - In an effort to reinvigorate his sagging presidential bid, Sen. Joe Lieberman issued a new proposal during his standard stump speech in which he called for Democrats to give him the nomination. "While my colleagues propose various tax plans and Medicare plans, I am the only Democratic candidate who has proposed that I receive the nomination," Lieberman told the crowd. "It is so obvious that my receiving the nomination would be the best way for us to defeat President Bush and restore the country's sound financial footing, and yet not a single other candidate has proposed it."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Student Shows Secret Service's Unpreparedness by
Assassinating Third-World President

WASHINGTON (DPI) - A bored college student assassinated the leader of the Republic of Kerblonkastan, who was on a state visit to the U.S. capital, according to authorities. The unnamed District Community College Student reportedly believed that the Secret Service had serious security flaws, so he poisoned the president's soup, placed a bomb on his car, piped mustard gas into his hotel, and cut the fuel line in his private jet. "While there are better ways to inform us of security risks, and killing someone is too extreme, boys will be boys," said a Secret Service spokesman. A federal judge has ordered the student to write "I will not kill heads of state" 20 times on the chalk board.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Large Deadly Predators Admit: "It's the Guns, Stupid"

LAS VEGAS (DPI) - In an informal survey, a variety of large deadly predators admitted that it is only the threat of taking a bullet that keeps them from killing and eating a large number of people. "To put it bluntly, it's the guns, stupid," said an 11-foot-tall, 1,500-pound polar bear. An African lion concurred. "Yeah, we ain't talking altruism," said the lion. "All things being equal, man-flesh is on the menu. But things are hardly equal." A 600-pound Bengal tiger offered this tip: "Don't screw with us, unless you can back it up with a nice .50-caliber hunting rifle. Whack my snout with a microphone and you're going down."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Cosmo Magazine Celebrates 40 Years of Setting Women's Movement Back 40 Years

Tarantino Explains Film in High-Pitched Squeaky Babble

Hangover Registers 8.3 on Cuervo Scale

Blaine Hosed Off From a Distance

California All Quiet Now for, What, 2 Weeks?

Mirage Calls Rumors of Siegfried, Danza Extravaganza "Premature at This Time"

Rush Enters Rehab, Won't Shut Up in Group

Dude Who Sings "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Looks Like A Lady

Bush Claims Fan Interference Caused Iraq Problems

Willie Shoemaker Now a Bottle of Elmer's

Ex Googled

More headlines

PBS Fed Up, You Cheap-Ass, Non-Pledging Shits

Muppets Take Baghdad

Wife's Latest Excuse For Not Wanting Sex Catches Hubby Off Guard

Alabama Celebrates 10,000 "General Lees"

Employees Give Up Benefits to Pay for Boss' Day Gift

MIDLAND, Texas (DPI) - Employees of Petrol Co. have voted to cancel their health insurance to raise money to buy the company's head a Boss' Day gift of company stock options. "Mr. (Jack) Kendrick is a great CEO, and we wanted to get him something special," said employee spokesman Karl Engel. "We weren't really using our health insurance or pension plan anyway." If the money saved from the canceled health and retirement plans turns out to be insufficient to buy the stock options for Kendrick, all of the employees in the Austin office have agreed to lay themselves off. "Whatever we can do to ease the his burden is worth it," said Engel.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Cub Curse Turns Sosa Into Horned Gargoyle

CHICAGO (DPI) - Just when the Chicago Cubs thought things couldn't get any worse, star player Sammy Sosa yesterday mysteriously turned into a living gargoyle. "It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen," said manager Dusty Baker. "He just up and turned into a damn gargoyle." Sosa told reporters he's not sure if the famed curse, which has kept the Cubs out of the pennant race for almost half a century, and his sudden transformation into a mythical creature are related. "It's not like you just get this done by a surgeon," said Sosa.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Las Vegas Stars Praying for, Betting on Roy's Recovery

LAS VEGAS (DPI) - Friends and colleagues of magician Roy Horn are flocking to his bedside to keep a vigil and, in a show of faith and solidarity, wager large amounts of money on his recovery. "Last I heard, the odds against him ever being able to take a dump by himself are 97-1," said long-time friend Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller fame. "I said a little prayer, then laid $100 grand on that action. He's been my friend for almost 20 years, he's strong, and I believe, man. He'd do the same for me."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

FDA Panel Approves Breast Implants

WASHINGTON (DPI) - "Hell yeah! All for it," said the panel chairman. "Big, round, bouncy boobies? Are you kidding me?!"

(Reported by Simon Paul)

In Style Magazine: "Time Outs" In, "Kid-Beating" Terribly Passť

Chinese Launch First Manned Space Flight, Plan To Ease Overpopulation

Streisand Just as Scary as You Remember Her

Ghost of Frank Sinatra Continues to Stomp Paparazzi

Ex-Playmate Writes Hefner Tell-All: "Get This Dead Guy Off Me"

Employee Promoted From Fuck-Off to Dickwad

Staten Island to Get Air Bags

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