October 26, 2005


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Today's News


Stuart Scott Now 98.5% Incomprehensible


Bristol, Conn. (DPI) — ESPN sports anchor Stuart Scott reached new heights of incomprehensibility this week. Where once "Boo-yah" and "Illin'" were sporadically peppered throughout the broadcast, Scott now expertly fills his entire segment with pseudo slang and hip-hop nonsense. When asked for comment, Scott responded, "Crunk mad phat GROINK!" His co-anchors would not respond when asked for comment, one anonymously claiming to be afraid that Scott would turn any response into a new catchphrase. "Drop it like it's hot in the illadelph, playa hatah," said Scott. "I'm feelin you! Holla at a playa, can I get a witness?! It's all about the benjamins, oh, no he di'in't! RepresENT!"

(Reported by Craig Stacey)


Bush: Iraqi Military Mature Enough to Care for Puppy

WASHINGTON (DPI) — While Pentagon reports this week revealed that the Iraqi military has recently regressed, President Bush defended the floundering Iraqi soldiers by pointing out that they had done a "heckuva job" taking care of a new puppy. "The Iraqi military asked if they could protect the nation without help from us, and we reminded them that with every right comes a responsibility," explained Bush. "So we told them that if they could take good care of a puppy, then we would think about it." With great pride, the president informed reporters that the Iraqi military had excelled at all aspects of caring for their 5-month-old golden retriever "Buster," including feeding, brushing, walking, and poop scooping.

(Reported by Miles Walker)



Sony Enters MP3-Player Market With "Crackman"

TOKYO, Japan (DPI) — Sony looks to storm the MP3-player market with its 90 gigabyte, 0.5cm thick offering called "Sony Crackman." Janichi Takagura, vice-president of new product development introduced the media to the Crackman, a surprisingly adept entry into the digital music player market. Crackman is ready to compete with Apple's iPod Nano on song capacity, sound clarity and ease of upload, but Sony separates itself from Apple on portability. "Crackman is designed to fit in the buttcrack," explains Takagura. "Hands-free, no belt clip needed and as secure-in-place as your underpants." This unique design feature promises also to cut down on theft, continues Takagura, a major customer complaint regarding the Apple iPod line.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Headlines


Bush Names "Loyal, Cuddly" Calico Cat to Replace Greenspan

DeLay Has Jailhouse Conference With Big Lou's Omnibus Package

Ten Car Pile-Up Caused by Driver Slowing for Yellow Light

Scientists Stumped as Two More People Move to North Dakota

Publicist: "Nick and Jessica Still Making Treacly Music Together"

No News Was Actually Bad News, What the Fuck?




In-Depth


Generationally Poor Growing Irritated With Nouveau Breauque

SHREVEPORT, La. (DPI) — Skyrocketing utility costs, rising interest rates, wage stagnation and white-collar offshoring have taken their toll on the American middle-class. Add to that the devastation of Hurricane Katrina here on the Gulf Coast and the already overburdened poverty relief agencies are now in a full-blown crisis.

Perhaps even more stressed than the relief agencies are the long-term poor who find themselves an ever-smaller part of a burgeoning order. "These new wretches," complains Phyllis Shenk of the Shreveport Shenks, "they just burst through the shelter door, family and all, demanding service as loudly as possible and waving their FEMA cards around as if they own the place. No class whatsoever." Leroy Biggs III agrees. "Over at the soup kitchen, I see those new families line up — husband, wife, and all the kids — every single day for breakfast lunch AND dinner. Three hot meals a day every day? How gauche."

What irritates the moneyless elite most about the Nouveau Breauque is their impatience and middle-class sense of entitlement. "They lose everything overnight," explains Shenk, "then think that their mere destitution is all they need to fit in. Please, it takes more that a lack of money to be truly poor." Biggs III elaborates further, "Every ten minutes or so one of these overnight failures is asking me 'Where is the safest place for a family of six to sleep?' or 'Where do you go if the church runs out of free soup?' or 'Which dumpsters can I poop behind without the cops seeing me?' I tell the new fish that they'll learn it all in due time. It took my family generations to build up to my present level of abject squalor. There is no crash course in dignified poverty."


(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)






Ben Affleck Campaign Commercial


News surfaced earlier this month that Virginia Democrats are courting Ben Affleck for a possible U.S. Senate run in 2006. The Daily Probe has uncovered an early draft of a campaign commercial:


VOICE-OVER:

War. Natural disasters. A floundering federal government. These are serious times in need of a senator with seriously youthful hair.


VOTER:

It would be nice to see some healthy follicles on Capitol Hill for a change. And, a forehead that isn't expanding as rapidly as the national deficit.


VOICE-OVER:

Ben Affleck has the 'do the others don't. Thick, full-bodied and capable of coiffures ranging from debonair to boyishly unkempt, Ben's hair is conditioned to get the job done.


BEN AFFLECK:

If elected, I promise to tirelessly shampoo, rinse and repeat for the good of my country and my scalp. The U.S. economy may be receding, but this head o' hair is open for business. Routine maintenance on my bangs alone supports 13 hard-working families in West Hollywood.


VOICE-OVER:

Affleck: Hair. What else is there?
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Ben Affleck to the U.S. Senate.


(Transcribed by Dallas Davidson)





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