October 28, 2005

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Study: Iraqis Love Democracy, Prefer Not Dying

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) A recent survey of Iraqi citizens has confirmed one of President Bush's principal assertions about the war in Iraq: The study found that an impressive 87 percent of Iraqis prefer democracy to the rule of Saddam Hussein. However, the study also showed that 98 percent of Iraqis prefer not being killed to having a participatory government. "Oh sure, free elections are super," said one Baghdad resident, who requested anonymity for fear of being targeted by insurgents. "I love being able to vote. It's just the constant fear of being blown up thing I don't care for." Electricity, jobs and being able to feed their children also outranked democracy in the survey. "Totalitarian government blows, no one can deny that," added a woman from Mosul. "But the thing is, Saddam didn't just randomly execute people. His shenanigans really only affected a very small percen— FUCKINGSHIT, GET DOWN!... Nevermind, false alarm."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Dobson: Miers' Beliefs Even Weirder Than Mine

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (DPI) — Rev. James Dobson revealed many secrets about former Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers on this week's broadcast of his radio show, "Focus on the Family." Dobson, citing information obtained by sources in the Bush Administration, claimed that Miers doesn't believe that life begins at conception, but "with the first kiss." Dobson also revealed that Miers believes gay marriage is a conspiracy to legalize polygamous gay orgies in Utah. And while Miers feels that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in the courtroom, Dobson said Miers supports the notion of making the Seven Deadly Sins into punishable criminal offenses. In an interview today, Miers said, "I personally want to attack sloth. Sloth is really what's wrong with our country." Miers then yawned and cut the interview short for a nap.

(Reported by Rick Sabian)

Woman's Dry Cleaning Contains Story of Her Life

DANVILLE, Calif. (DPI) Housewife Juli Branovich used her dirty laundry to share the story of her life Thursday with the counter help at Danville's One-Day Dry Cleaning shop and with several unwilling patrons in the same line. "I didn't realize there was even a stain there, because I wore it to church, and well, I always check my church clothes before I leave," Branovich told her captive audience. "And you guys do such a good job here that it couldn't have been there from the start, but Sara — Sara is the person who sat next to me at church — Sara let me know that there was a black streak right there, see it, there, on the sleeve. I can't figure that one out. Now see these pants here, well, I'm pretty sure that's paint, because..." Branovich's impromptu public sharing ended suddenly when, according to cheering witnesses, another patron delivered a blindside roundhouse to her jaw with a pair of soiled mid-calf boots.

(Reported by Davejames and Joseph Moore)


Rove Named Final Watergate Burglar

Avian Flu Spikes Sales of Tiny Kleenex

Chinese Children Forced to Sit Through Four-Hour Rendition of Mandarin Alphabet Song

Louisiana Tourism Bureau Pinning Hopes On "Fun, Fresh New Logo"

Rufus the Saint Bernard Wins World Series of Dogs Playing Poker


Miers Claims No Over-Familiarity With "Little Georgie Bush-Bush"

CRAWFORD, Texas (DPI) — Much has been said about former Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, but in light of almost 2,000 pages of documents recently released by the Texas State Library, it seems that Meirs was more closely connected to President Bush than earlier suspected.

"You are the best governor ever — deserving of great respect!" Miers wrote in 1997, in a belated birthday note typical of the tone she used in her correspondence with then-Gov. Bush.

Another series of notes and cards indicated that from 1950 until 1976, Miers was the president's nanny. "It's true," said Meirs, when asked about the documents. "I took care of little Georgie from the time he was 4 until he was 30. Boy, was he a handful."

"In his younger years, he'd come home looking like he just had the crap beat out of him," said Meirs. "Then there was that awkward age when he reached puberty and needed tips on dating women. Georgie and I spent many nights talking about how the whole dating/sex process worked. And of course, I was there when Georgie was in his 20s and was prone to wild drinking parties and cocaine use. I talked that kid down from a coke high many times. It wasn't until just after his 30th birthday that Barbara thought he should go out and be on his own."

When asked if this in any way influenced the president's decision to nominate for Supreme Court Justice someone with questionable experience, none of it as a judge, all Meirs would say was, "My Georgie wouldn't do something like that. He's a nice boy."

(Reported By Jeff Rabinowitz)

Bush's 2% Approval Among African-Americans
Drawing Historical Comparisons

WASHINGTON (DPI) — Recent polls have shown President Bush's current approval rating among African-Americans at 2 percent. Not only is this the lowest single-demographic approval rating for a sitting president in American history, but it is possibly the lowest approval rating for anyone anywhere. Some historical comparisons:

» A 1940 poll shows Hitler with a 5-percent approval rating among European Jews.

» A French poll in 1789 reveals Marie Antoinette enjoyed an 11-percent approval rating among the wretched.

» Restored writings state that 9 percent of those tortured and enslaved by Genghis Khan opined, "same shit, different warlord."

» Three of Jesus' 12 apostles (25 percent) thought Pontius Pilate was "an OK guy, all things considered."

Note: Considering that the margin of error for the Bush poll was stated at +/- 3.2%, it is mathematically possible that each and every African-American not named Condoleezza hates the president's ever-loving guts.

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)

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