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October 26, 2004

The Daily Probe
officially endorses
Mr. T
George W. Bush

·   Did you not see "Platoon"? Anyone too stupid to get out of that war isn't fit to lead.

·   We endorse the president because... Omigod what was that?!? Look! Over there! Terrorists! Eek! Save me, Mr. President! Save me!

·   His head fits into single camera shot.

·   Think about it. You wouldn't let Theresa Heinz-Kerry out of your basement, much less into your country's White House.

John F. Kerry

·   Because "idear" is a less irritating mispronunciation than "nukular."

·   No matter what side of the issue you're on, he is, too.

·   Who is going to help you reach those groceries on the top shelf? Bush? Get real.

·   His lack of plan sounds better than the other guy's lack of plan.

·   A Kerry presidency clears the way for the Bush Twin's Maxim spread.

Ralph Nader

·   Why go "presidential" when you can instead go "cranky"?

·   Far more likely to get assassinated.

·   Much easier to ignore when he's not on Larry King Live every other day.

Ronald Reagan

(clone created by renegade
GOP scientists in Brazil)

·   Genetic mutations allow him to "not recall" things up to five times faster than the original Ron.

·   New version comes with heat-eye rays and kung-fu grip.

·   Now monkey-free.

·   Duran Duran's back, so why not the big guy?

Dwight D. Eisenhower

·   Because he has the biggest presidential last name ever!

·   That catchy slogan!

·   Military records? Try commander of all allied forces in western Europe!

·   May be dead, but at least he's not undead.

Dr. Phil

·   Ready to get real on terror!

·   Can hit up Oprah when the country needs a little money.

·   His bald pate and cantankerous style make him slightly more-hugable Dick Cheney.

·   Colloquial pap, false hope and unrealistic expectations. Talk about presidential material!

·   The perfect metaphor for Washington: a fat guy telling us to lose weight.

The late Chris Farley

·   An obese, impulsive leader for our obese, impulsive nation.

·   "Remember that time when we invaded Iraq and accomplished our mission? That was awesome!"

  Twinkie the Kid

·   Over 40 years' experience as a goodwill spokesman for Hostess -- thus vicariously, America.

·   In touch with needs of America's children, yet relates to her stoned adults with equal aplomb.

·   Made of sponge cake, yet can still twirl a lasso -- you have to admit that's pretty cool!

Patrick J. Buchanan

·   Nah.

Nicole Richie

·   Has strong support from the rural South thanks to all the high school football players and truck drivers she banged while filming Simple Life episodes.

·   Dumber *and* sluttier than Paris!

·   Slightly less spoiled than President Bush.

·   With Paris visiting Pennsylvania Avenue, Nixonís White House tapes will have nothing on these.

Halle Berry

·   Hommina

·   Hommina

·   Hommina!

Bush Campaign Struggles to Come Up With Down Payment on Second Term

Privately, Kerry Blames YOU for a Lot of Shit, Too

Bill O'Reilly to Moderate Heidi Fleiss/Amy Fisher Debate

Clinton Digging Spongebaths

Kerry's Chin Traded for Reese Witherspoon's Chin Plus a Chin to Be Named Later

Rumsfeld: I've Got Your Rebuttal Right Here, Punk

New Hamas Chief Refuses to Buy Green Bananas

Mary Cheney Denies Being a Lesbian in the Way That Kerry Means It

Previous Restroom User Blamed

Airport Security Detonates Abandoned Puppies

Howard Stern Makes Jump to CB Radio

An Open Letter to President Bush and Senator Kerry

How to Get Your Ass Kicked by Legendary Comic Actor John Cleese

Max Just Ain't Much of a Biker Since the Accident

Fellated Ohio Voters Now Getting Teabagged, Rimmed

AKRON, Ohio (DPI) - With only two weeks to go until November 2nd, election-deciding Ohio voters are demanding upgrades in the oral sex they've been receiving from the Bush and Kerry campaigns. "I've gotta hand it to Senator Kerry," said 38 year-old Bob Smales. His volunteers have been giving me some serious knob-gobbling over the past several months, but now, they're even sucking on my sack as well. Nice." Unemployed factory worker Joey Stevens concurred. "A Bush volunteer told me to vote for the President. I told him, 'Yeah, well I want *you* to toss my salad, bee-yotch.'" According to Stevens, the volunteer then asked whether he preferred maple syrup or strawberry jam.

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Hacker Exercises His Right to Vote By Hacking Into Voting System

BOCA RATON (DPI) - Fifteen-year-old voter James has just voted for the first time -- and he's about to do it again. And again. Unlike the majority of today's youth, James "Crackerjack" Kane is a civic-minded computer hacker who's maneuvered his way into the democratic process through the city's electronic voting system. "I just want to do my part as a United States citizen and show the rest of the country that the youth of today aren't apathetic," Kain says. "I care deeply about the issues and I want to be involved in the election process even if I'm not old enough to do that yet." This year, Kane has already voted for President George W. Bush (twice), challenger John Kerry (three times) and Ralph Nader (once) -- although he admits to later removing the Nader vote and switching it to a vote for The Matrix actress Carrie-Anne Moss."

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz and Danny Gallagher)

America Wonders What Kind of Lesbian Mary Cheney Is

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In the wake of the controversy over Senator John Kerry referring to Dick Cheney's daughter Mary as a "lesbian," people across the country are wondering just exactly what sort of lesbian she is. "If she's one of those really butch ones with the short, dykey haircut who plays softball and wears Birkenstocks, well then, Kerry really crossed the line," said Mark Winters of Gary, Indiana. Winters continued saying, "But if she's like the lesbians I find on the web with long blond hair and massive tits who are really into three-ways, that would be awesome. If that was the deal, then I'd vote for Kerry."

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Iraqis Celebrate Explosion-Free Hour With Explosions

Non-Mediagenic Person Accidentally Aired

Fantasy League Winner Chooses Brazilian Beach Volleyball Team, Tub of Warm Butterscotch

Chinese Guy Could Go for a Nice Big Bowl of Rice Right Now

Alzheimers-Addled Squirrel Can't Find Buried Nuts

Truth Stretched

Armaments, Old Playboys Fall Into Insurgents Hands

DUI Suspect in Bender Fender Bender

Loud Guy Would Like a Little Salsa With That

Smashed Pumpkin Traced to Smashed Partygoer

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