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October 28, 2003

Daily Probe editor Travis Ruetenik is in the process of fleeing the country.
On November 11, when Travis has finished his relocation to Communist Japan,
the Daily Probe will resume its regular publication schedule.

Halloween Poll: Fun Size Snickers Aren't

HARTFORD, Conn. (DPI) - A recent poll of area elementary school students found that miniature Snickers bars aren't actually fun. As in previous years, full-size candy bars topped the list, but Mary Janes shot forward after an incident with a confused hippie last year. Tootsie Roll Pops fared poorly in the poll after a science fair project was able to prove how many licks it takes to get to the center. The poll also determined that Oreos, even with the orange crème filling, do not qualify as satisfactory candy. Toothbrushes "suck," according to many respondents.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Texas Messed With

ENID, Okla. (DPI) - Earl Thwarp, 48, messed with Texas several times this week despite repeated warnings on bumper stickers and tee-shirts over the years, the Enid Daily Oklahoman reported. Emboldened by University of Oklahoma football victories and Jim Beam, Thwarp engaged in no fewer than seven individual Texas messing-with shenanigans, including kicking a dog named Dallas and throwing garbage from the floor of his car into the flatbed of a pickup truck with Texas license plates. According to friends, Thwarp is contemplating driving the approximately 300 miles to Amarillo next weekend to "go take out a few mailboxes and piss on something."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Bush Returns From Asia With Thumbs Stuck in Chinese Finger Trap Thing

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Man Nowhere Near Staten Island Ferry Remembers

UTICA, N.Y. (DPI) - Merv Balfour was some 250 miles away in upstate New York earlier this month when the Staten Island Ferry slammed into a pier. Still, the 63-year-old retiree today recalled 3:20 p.m. that Wednesday afternoon in vivid detail. "It was a real nice day, so I was fixing a leak in my shed roof," said Balfour. "As near as I can figure, at the exact moment of the accident, I was either nailing down a shingle or out behind the shed taking a whiz." It wasn't until several hours later that Balfour learned of the tragedy. "Oh yeah -- and the dog was barking a whole lot so I told him to shut the hell up," he said. "Pretty spooky though, now that I think about it."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Tearful Roy Vows to Return to Exploiting Dangerous Animals

LAS VEGAS (DPI) - A triumphant Roy Horn, recovering from serious injuries caused by an attacking wild animal, today told cheering fans that he will return to taunting and exploiting vicious 450-pound predators. "I won't let this setback keep Siegfried and me from our calling, which is parading toothy-mawed, undomesticatable carnivores around for the amusement of fat ladies from Topeka," said Horn. A spokesperson for the popular Vegas duo earlier this week promised that shows in the future would feature Horn poking tigers with sticks, withholding food, putting chains around their necks and touching them in close quarters.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Man Stranded on Toilet ... Again.

CHICAGO (DPI) - Bryan Berg, 37, is stranded on the toilet after forgetting to check for the presence of bathroom tissue before starting his business. That makes three times this month alone."Dammit!" bystanders quoted Berg as saying through the locked bathroom door. "Dammit. Dammit. Dammit!"

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Jeb Bush Orders Feeding Tube Put Up David Blaine's Ass

California Fires Stall Arrival of More Apocalyptic Horsemen

Rocktober Peaks With "Highway Star," "Free Bird," "Taking Care of Business"

Sheriff-Shooting Trial Ends With Dreadlocked Jury

Bill Bennett Puts Odds of Limbaugh Relapse at 6-1

Popemobile Goes In for 3000-Yard Service

Fifi Unimpressed with Pet Door Welcome Mat

New NPR Program Analyzes Programs that Analyze Media

Taciturn Man Confirms: "Yep."

More headlines

God DAMN, Your Daughter's Hot!

White House Releases the Good News From Iraq

Next For David Blaine: Street Starvation, Begging

8-Tracks to Be Used to Thwart Illegal Downloading

Homeless Feel Unappreciated, Move to Detroit

BALTIMORE (DPI) - More than 2,500 members of the Baltimore Panhandlers' Union voted at the organization's annual meeting to move to Detroit. "Many of us have been here since the 1970s, and have noticed in recent years that locals seem to no longer care about our concerns," said union spokesman Bert, claiming it started with the razing of the abandoned warehouses at Camden Yards for a baseball stadium and has finally culminated in beggars not getting the 45-percent cost-of-living increase in donations they had requested. The union members have chosen to relocate from Baltimore's Inner Harbor to Detroit's Hamtramck community.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Man Baffled by Unexpected Beatification

ERROL, N.H. (DPI) - A local man expressed bewilderment today after he ended up on a Vatican list for beatification. "All I know is, a couple of guys in vestments showed up at my door with an envelope reading, 'You, too, may be a saint,'" said Mike Lavallee. "Why me? I nursed an injured robin back to health last year, but I'm nothing special." A Vatican spokesman defended the move to beatify living people with even minor saintly qualities as good public relations or good hygiene. "Hey, church attendance was sinking even before the priest sex-abuse scandal," said Cardinal Dino Sarducci. "Those pews aren't gonna fill themselves."

(Reported by Margaux Beliveau)

At Long Last, Marlins Break "Curse of Moises Alou"

MIAMI (DPI) - With Saturday's World Series victory over the Yankees, the Florida Marlins have at last broken the little-known Curse of Moises Alou. Alou, whose pretty good play over the one year he was a Marlin helped them win their only championship, was traded following their 1997 World Series victory and ended up having a better-than-average last six years. Several Marlin fans recall thinking, or perhaps even saying softly to themselves, that the Marlins would never again win the Series after trading Alou. "It's great to have this monkey off our backs," said one more-or-less devoted Marlins fan. "I know just how those Red Sox fans feel."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Pentagon Wants to Be Handing Out "Mini-Nukes" By Next Halloween

Disney to Build "World of Mike Eisner" Theme Park

California Back to Having Shit Happen There

Miss Corn Festival 1998 Now Giving Handjobs in Vegas Parking Lot

Catholics Declare Success as Priests Now 13% Less Likely To Bugger

Muzak Cover of "Man in the Box" Featured in Local Elevator

Rumsfeld "Livid" His Grocery List, Spiderman Doodle Leaked to USA Today

Yoko Ono Shrieks New CD

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or whenever we damn well feel like it.

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