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October 29, 2001

Army of One Getting His Ass Kicked

JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - Army of one, Corporal Matthew Stein of Omaha, Nebraska, is reported to be getting his ass kicked by Taliban forces outside of Jalalabad. Stein radioed into his command base, "Um, guys? A little help here? Shots coming in from pretty much all directions and this knapsack isn't providing me much protection. My college scholarship forms have been shot through clean to hell! An army of two to three divisions would be really swell right about now." Stein, an accountant, was mistakenly air-dropped into Afghanistan with twelve gold coins, a pair of nylons, some chocolate bars, and a handful of goat food.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

3rd Airborne Disgruntled Postal Worker Brigade Dispatched to Afghanistan

LANDOVER, MD (DPI) - The U.S. Postal Service has begun sending ground troops to Afghanistan. Said Donald Thorn, a spokesperson for the Postmaster General, "They were getting edgy over this whole anthrax thing, and no one likes an edgy postal worker. Factor in their anger over the impending holiday mail season, and you've got some mighty motivated soldiers." He went on to point out that many postal workers already own firearms and are among the most experienced Jeep drivers in the world. The idea was a hit with postal employees, who have previously resigned themselves to honing their shooting skills by firing on fellow employees. Their new motto: "Neither rain, nor hail, nor cave-dwelling terrorists will stop us from delivering our hollow-pointed rounds."

(Reported by Paul Wiley)

Singer Michael Jackson loses
his nose at Madison Square Garden

Black & Decker Refuses to Honor Warranty on Jacko's Nose

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Appliance manufacturer Black & Decker will not replace a nose purchased three years ago by pop singer Michael Jackson simply because it became detached. After hearing that Jackson's prosthetic nose was flung into the second row during a recent concert, a company spokesperson commented, "The lifetime warranty for such items is in regards to their construction, not the manner in which they are attached. We can't possibly know if there was a defect in the device, since the owner has yet to recover the nose in question." Hundreds of people on eBay are now claiming to be in possession of the Jackson nose, although none is offering proof of authenticity.

(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)

Nation's Airports Welcome Brown People Again
Over a month after the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center buildings, the Federal Aviation Administration has finally lifted its ban on "Flying While Brown." Although critics blamed the blanket policy on a knee-jerk reaction, an FAA statement declared otherwise. "We, like many other large agencies, have only recently discovered that we had no staff experienced in the differentiation of ethnicities." Accordingly, these signs have been ordered removed:

An unusually deeply-tanned Christina Aguilera made plans to resume her North American tour. The ban on "Flying While Swarthy" remains in full effect.

(Reported by Lemel Hebert-Williams, Ross Brown)

"Anthrax" Now Leads "Overslept" in Tardy Excuses

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - The Centers for Disease Control reported that "I had Anthrax" has become the leading excuse for taking time off from work. The previous leader, "I overslept," tumbled to a distant second place over the last week. Tulsa, Oklahoma, temp worker John Marini admits to having used the excuse several times during the month of October. Elaborated Marini, "What can they say? I tell 'em I have Anthrax and need to stay home and take antibiotics for a day or two, doctor's orders! I tried the same thing with herpes, but they weren't buying it. This is different, though -- the media's scaring the shit out of people. Nobody wants an Anthrax-infected co-worker. Woo-hoo!"

(Reported by Martin Bredeck, Travis Ruetenik)

CDC: Syphillis-Tainted Mail Should Be Considered "Really, Really Gross"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - A unit of the Center for Disease Control has determined that the recent outbreak of syphillis is, like the current anthrax scare, delivered by conventional mail and not through sexual activity. However, a spokesman for the CDC adds, the contents of the letters is, "...really, really gross. Trust me, you don't want to know."

(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)

Dude, Check This Out!

JACKSONVILLE, FL (DPI) - Hey, dude, watch this. This is gonna be so cool! Are you watching? Cool, I'm just gonna take this thing, and -- shit, I should be videotaping this -- I'm just gonna take this thing, put it up there, pull that, WHAMMO! It'll be fucking hysterical. Are you watching, cool, watch this. Here I go...


(Reported by Greg Preece)

US Marines Kill Massive Lava Beast With Swords

Al Qaeda: "Our Plans Would Have Worked, If Not For You Meddling Kids!"

All Suspicious Hot Foreign Chicks to Be Detained for 7 Days at My Place

Foreign Policy Experts: "Jalalabad" Fun to Say

Tom Cruise Missile Prematurely Explodes Before Penetrating Penelope Cruz

Gore: "WHEW!"

Corporate Art Awards Go to "Big-Ass Cube" and "Brass Lobby Thing"

Stoners Agree: Baby Back Ribs on TV Lookin' Pretty Good Right About Now

Stepmom Plants Freaky Kiss On Stepson's Lips

Pickle Juice Soaks Into Grilled Cheese; Lunch in Ruins

More headlines

U.N.-Sanctioned Bullshit Detectors Deployed to Middle East

Probe Report: Top Secret Document Detailing Government Plans for "Newghanistan"

Kansas State Cartographic Survey Team Discovers Colorado

Fifth "Teletubbie" Added to Popular Childrens' TV Show

Windows XP -- Will This Be the Version That Finally Gets Bill Gates Off Food Stamps?

Woodchuck's 4th Quarter Falls Short of Chucking Projections

NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Bear Stearns today downgraded Woodchuck Industries (NYSE: WDCK) from "Buy" to "Accumulate" after lower than expected 4th Quarter results for the beleaguered company were reported after the closing bell. Woodchuck Industry CEO Woody Charles told reporters that there was a strong decline in employee productivity, with a prior year comparison showing that average woodchuck per rodent chucking had declined some 1.8 metric tons per rodent workday. The stock fell $3.75 to close at $15.12 per share in heavy volume. After-market trading showed a modest gain, most likely due to rumors of a new beaver dam being built on Oregon's Willamette river and the expectation of increased woodchuck contracting.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere, Jeffrey Anbinder, Ross Brown)

Simpson Stiff-arms Justice Again, Scores

MIAMI, FL (DPI) - As his "road rage" trial ended in acquittal, O.J. Simpson, although given plenty of rope, remains un-hung. "The notion that he was going to serve sixteen years for this small offense is ludicrous," said legal analyst Hibbert Spence. "People were hoping for some kind of karmic boomerang on this guy, but all he did was punch someone. That's a small fine and community service, folks." Prosecuting attorney Myron Finklestein's attempts to confuse Simpson into confessing to the murder of 1994 Nicole Brown Simpson failed, with Finklestein's shouted demand of "I WANT THE TRUTH!!! " resulting only in Simpson's timid "Man, I've been lyin' so long, I don't remember the truth. "

(Reported by LeMel Hebert-Williams, Tristan Fabriani)

PC, MAC Fanatics Announce Cease-Fire

SEATTLE, WA (DPI) - Saying that recent world evens had taught everyone a serious lesson, warring PC and Mac fanatics factions today called for an immediate cease-fire in the personal computer wars. Leaders on both sides of the decades-long platform wars urged their faithful to stop bombing each other with geek smartass-bombs, and to instead focus their efforts on Photoshopping pictures of Osama bin Laden having sex with barnyard animals. The Unix/Linux fanatics faction commented, "Hey! Over here! Look at us!!"

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani, Ross Brown, LeMel Hebert-Williams)

Nation's Catboxes Dangerously Full

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - US Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson announced today that the level of cat matter in US households is at a critical level, and urged citizens to seek protection from a possible rise in overall household skankiness. Citing from the 210-page Report on Feline Fecal Maintenance, Thompson asked Americans to "do your part to clean that funky thing out once in a while." Social scientists have been alarmed in recent years by the apparent growth in putridiness of America. A 1994 study concluded that the average cat doot carried enough airborne particles to fill a 30-story building with icky poo-stank.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Clinton Offers to Share Missile Data With Putin's Receptionist

MOSCOW (DPI) - While playing coy in official meetings over the possibility that the US may be willing to share its missile defense data with the Russians, President Clinton was overheard making a much more direct offer to share his own "missile data" with Olga Smetlikov, Russian Presidents Putin's young and shapely receptionist. "I'd be more than willing," Clinton was heard mumbling in the halls, "to let that fine young woman perform as much on-site verification of my own private warhead as is required."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

  World News

¤ Northern Alliance Totally Stoked About Kick-Ass Weapons
¤ U.S. Running Out of Targets; Kabul Jiffylube, Fotomat Blown to Smithereens
¤ Illiterate Riot Control Officer Warns Crowd Not to Picnic
¤ "National American University" Actually Fucking Exists
¤ Arrogant Know-It-All Prick Now Lecturing Us on Afghani Political History
¤ Biblical Typo Corrected: Meek To Inherit Only Candles, Birkenstocks

  Domestic News

¤ Worker Productivity Down 23%; Forwards of bin Laden Humping Donkey Up 3889%
¤ Cipro-Cola, Mello-Cipro, Dr. Cipro Make Big Soft Drink Gains
¤ Getting Back to Normal: America Resumes Buying Shit, Forgets Where Asia is Located
¤ Patrons of Wally's Bar Could Take Care of That Shitbag bin Laden Real Quick, They're Telling You Right Now
¤ Cow Holy; Shit, Moly Still Not Blessed
¤ Ex Wants To Be "Not Seeing/Not Thinking About" Kind of Friend
¤ Dr. Bruce Banner Warns Postal Service: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T USE GAMMA RAYS ON THE MAIL!"
¤ "Creepy Guitarist in Limp Bizkit" Leads Halloween Costumes
¤ Backgammon, Enjoyed by Elderly, Homosexuals; Suprisingly Shunned by Elderly Homosexuals


¤ New Boy Band "9-1-1" Releases United We Dance, Baby
¤ 9 Months Later: David Copperfield Still Hasn't Changed the Sheets
¤ Taliban Claim Responsibility for Knocking Up Jodie Foster
¤ Linguists Alert Nation to Impending Madonna Accent Shift
¤ Shirley MacLaine Reincarnated As Aging Shirley MacLaine
¤ Rather: "Tom Brokaw is a Drug-Taking Coward!"


¤ Only Green Anthrax From Krypton Can Kill Super-Americans
¤ Study Uncovers Direct Link Between Flags, Loyalty
¤ Star Trek Fan Up in Arms Over Treatment of Human/Klingon History in Enterprise


¤ Swedish Teenage Tennis Phenom Robin Soderling is a *GUY*, Dammit!
¤ Nation's Sportswriters Hold Bobby Knight Fuse Lighting Ceremony
¤ MichaelJordanMichaelJordanMichaelJordanMichaelJordanMichaelJordanMichaelJordan

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