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October 29, 2002

North Korea Reveals Nukes at Axis of Evil Trade Show

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION (DPI) - North Korea wowed a convention hall of evildoing countries with its Viable Nuclear Bomb-Making booth at the Axis of Evil trade show on Thursday. Competing against lackluster displays such as Baghdad's Mustard Gas Is Your Friend, or Iran's Exporting Religious Fanaticism, Pyongyang's presentation would have held court even without the bikini clad "Nukies." "With the Soviet Union gone, funding for evil has really dried up," said team leader Kim Lee Kao. "So, to impress a roomful of distinguished reprehensibles on such a shoestring budget as ours makes it that much more worthwhile."

(Reported by Davejames)

Jehovah's Witness Costume Top Seller This Year

BOSTON (DPI) - The top-selling costume in nearly every costume shop this year is the Jehovah's Witness costume. The costume comes complete with shirt, pants and religious pamphlets. This month people are urged to not pretend they are out when these people come to homes as they may be in search of "fun-size" Snickers bars. Also quite popular this year is the door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman costume. The criminal-line costumes have also fared well with the serial rapist costume selling the most, followed by the armed burglar costume, which comes with black ski mask and sawed-off shotgun.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

After Year Off Charts, Blacks Reclaim Profiling Today Top Spot

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In the wake of 9/11, it's been more than a year since motorists have heard the strains of "Driving While Black." African-Americans everywhere were bumped from profiling lists for the newly popular "Man of Middle Eastern Origin," who literally exploded out of nowhere. Traditionalists who predicted that this was just a flavor of the month can rest assured they were right. In the wake of the sniper arrests, blacks have stormed back to reclaim top spot on many of the top profiling lists with the irresistible Sniping While Black. The nation's leading law enforcement profiling magazine, Racial Profiling Today, is said to rushing a "Black is Back" issue to press.

(Reported by Davejames)

Stung, Swollen Burt Introduces "Burt's Bee Blaster"

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (DPI) - After tripping and falling into a hive of more than 2,000 of his own bees, Burt of Burt's Bees has introduced a new product that kills 43 varieties of bees in an instant. "Try my new orgy of death in a can, you little bastards," said the swollen, seething Burt, generously coated with his own Dr. Burt's Comfy Ointment and wrapped head-to-toe in gauze bandage. As he pressed the release valve on an environmentally safe non-aerosol can, the dispensed white mist caused dozens of bees in a Plexiglas case to drop like Newton's apple. Burt then let out a muffled belly laugh that was as hearty as it was disturbing.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Hussein Gets 116% of Vote

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In a record turnout, Saddam Hussein was re-elected president of Iraq with an overwhelming 116 percent of the vote. Iraqi officials claim the vote of every breathing Iraqi was to show Hussein support in the face of the growing threats of war, with Allah himself miraculously pushing the percentages past 100. Not surprisingly, the Bush administration questioned the result. Press Secretary Ari Fleischer noted pointedly that the Iraqi leader garnered a full 143% of the vote in 1995 and attributes the lower percentages to "an obvious and passionate desire [in the Iraqi people] for regime change."

(Reported by Davejames)


New Regulation Forbids U.S. Troops to Run With Scissors

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Pentagon took steps today to improve the safety of U.S. troops by prohibiting armed forces personnel from running with scissors. "Invading Iraq is risky enough, what with all the bombs and guns in the hands of people out to kill us without the added risk posed by running with scissors," said Lt. Gen. Lafayette Leadbottom. That it posed a risk was a surpise to Pfc. Buford Charms. "I hadn't appreciated the danger, but now I'll be sure not to run with scissors even if I need to quickly get my ass out of the way of incoming Iraqi fire," Charms said. "I feel safer already."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Chief Moose Unclenches Butt Cheeks With Audible Groan

Bush Told, Shown Where Indonesia Is

Belafonte: Sniper Not Really Black, Either

Razor Blade Vendors Prepare for Revitalized DC-Area Trick-Or-Treating

Ticket Sales Slow for Broadway Opening of "Chechen Rebels Take You Hostage"

Falwell Apologizes for "Muhammad Was a Terrorist," "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" Comments

Al-Jazeera Network Debuts Weekend at bin Laden's

People in Klingon Uniforms Overrepresented in Mensa

Mormons Strive to Ignore Wacky Parts of Origin

Opinion: If You Give Shitty Candy, the Terrorists Have Won

Pamela Anderson's Vagina Claims Sweatshop Conditions

Axis of Evil Plotting Ways to Climb Out of World Cup Cellar

More headlines

Bush Reduces Budget Deficit by Cutting 4 States

Still Too Early to Want to Do Britney Spears' Kid Sister

Nerd's Calendar Clear for Nerd Movie Season

Bill Gates Gives $65 Million to Chain E-Mail Forwarders

SEATTLE (DPI) - Billionaire software tycoon Bill Gates earlier today paid out more than $65 million to 13,000 individuals simply for forwarding a chain e-mail to their friends and family members. "A lot of people thought that e-mail was a sham, that they wouldn't get a nickel from me," said Gates. "Well, today I'm here to tell you that I really did send this chain letter and I'm delighted to be sending 13,000 lucky individuals each a check for $5,000. And to everybody that deleted the message, you can go jump in a lake, you chain-breaking ninnies."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Leno's "Dancing Snipers" Draw Criticism

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - After seeing ratings success with the Dancing Former Tyco Chief Executive L. Dennis Kozlowskis and the Dancing U.N. Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blixes, comedian and "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno said he may have gone too far on his show with the Dancing Washington D.C. and Surrounding Suburban Area Loner Probably Ex-Military Tarot Card Snipers. "Time has shown that America's preferred method of healing is to rally behind the hilarity of news figures in dancing troupes, but I was probably a couple of days too soon on rolling this one out," Leno said in a statement.

(Reported by Davejames)

Co-Op Residents Protest Deplorable Conditions in Third World, Co-op

ANN ARBOR, Mich. (DPI) - A group of student activists crowded Angell Hall today to protest the lack of standards for clean air and water in Burma, Cambodia, Laos and their own house. Speaking on behalf of the World Relief Support Association and Residential Co-Op on Hill Street, graduate student Forrest Killeen denounced lack of federal support to oust regimes that support environmental degradation in villages, growing Asian cities and his second-floor bathroom. "One does not need to look far to see the effects of the Bush Administration's failures," said Killeen. "I've had to pee in the Dumpster out back for weeks, the toilet's clogged up so bad."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Augusta National Plans Mistresses Tournament

ATLANTA (DPI) - Augusta National Golf Club, organizer of the Masters Golf Tournament, announced it will hold its first tournament for women next year. The Mistresses Golf Tournament will be open to all members' girlfriends. Club President Hootie Johnson was convinced to let the women play after members described in graphic detail the costumes their girlfriends regularly agree to wear and promised that no one would tell Johnson's wife. Instead of the traditional green jacket, the winner will be awarded the Trophy Wife Trophy.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Married Man's Penis Inexplicably Twitches at the Sight of Nathan Lane
NRA: "Guns Don't Kill People, Kill People Guns Don't"
Pilgrim's Pride Recalls 27 Million Pounds of Chicken Assholes
Ice Cream Shop Bin & Laden's Burned to Ground for 33rd Time
Advisers Mars and Ares Clash Over Access to President's Ear
Serena Williams Transforms Into Massive Metabot
Rally Monkey Indicted in 7th-Inning Feces Throw
Condit, Clinton Chasing Pussy Again

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