The Top 5 List The Daily Probe Ruminations Save Martha Stewart!


Front Page


Advice from Strangers

Ain't That America?

Who's Who

Movie Corner


About The Probe
Contact Us!

Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
John Wayne Gacy

Dear Mr. Gacy,

My father wants me to try out for the football team, but I think football is lame and would rather play guitar in my punk trio. How can I convince my dad to lay off?

Rockin' in Rochester

Dear Rockin',

What are ya, gay?!? For chrissakes, kid, you'll never develop into a man by playing music!! You need to be out there banging your head against other sweaty boys. If you want to feel like a man, take my advice: Put down the wimpy little guitar, put on the pads and go bash a smaller kid. It'll make you feel great.


Dear Mr. Gacy,

I'm a freshman at Beldon High, and I have a really bad crush on a senior boy who is a football hero and the most popular, most handsome guy at the school. My problem is that I'm a bit overweight. I'm not a loser -- I have friends and I'm probably the smartest, funniest girl in my class. But Ryan doesn't even know I exist. How can I make him notice me???

Wishful Wendy

Dear Wishful,

Young girls sure have it rough, especially when they're also ugly as sin. But fear not! There's a solution. Just follow these four simple steps to happiness:

1 -- Lose a shitload of weight.
2 -- Become beautiful.
3 -- Make the cheerleading squad.
4 -- Learn to give head like a hooker.

That should take care of it. If he still doesn't come around, he's gay.


The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved
No use allowed without prior permission.