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Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
John Wayne Gacy
Dear Mr. Gacy,
My father wants me to try out for the football team, but I think
football is lame and would rather play guitar in my punk trio. How can I
convince my dad to lay off?
Rockin' in Rochester
Dear Rockin',
What are ya, gay?!? For chrissakes, kid, you'll never develop into a man
by playing music!! You need to be out there banging your head against
other sweaty boys. If you want to feel like a man, take my advice: Put
down the wimpy little guitar, put on the pads and go bash a smaller kid.
It'll make you feel great.
JWG
Dear Mr. Gacy,
I'm a freshman at Beldon High, and I have a really bad crush on
a senior boy who is a football hero and the most popular, most handsome
guy at the school. My problem is that I'm a bit overweight. I'm not a loser --
I have friends and I'm probably the smartest, funniest girl in my class.
But Ryan doesn't even know I exist. How can I make him notice me???
Wishful Wendy
Dear Wishful,
Young girls sure have it rough, especially when they're also ugly as sin.
But fear not! There's a solution. Just follow these four simple steps to happiness:
1 -- Lose a shitload of weight.
2 -- Become beautiful.
3 -- Make the cheerleading squad.
4 -- Learn to give head like a hooker.
That should take care of it. If he still doesn't come around, he's gay.
JWG
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