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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Koko the Talking Gorilla

Dear Koko,

I'm a single male, age 52, making $128K year as a marketing manager. I've got 17 percent of my investment assets in money markets, 64 percent in blue chips and 19 percent in growth stocks. My long-range plan is to retire young enough to get me one of those buff young towel-boy types and retire to Mexico while I still have the strength to roger him silly several times a day, and then kill myself once I can't. So, I'm wondering -- should I play it safe by rolling more of my assets into money markets, or do I take a chance on the markets rebounding enough to permit me to buy a few more years of sweating sex and Mai Tais before I check out?

Worried in Sunnyvale

Koko big beautiful ape person. No sex never no bananas. Why human never Koko sex other big beautiful ape people never all alone. Mai Tai sounds good now. Buy stocks. Find towel boy. Take Koko with.

Dear Koko,

My boyfriend is handsome, rich and admired by all my friends. Even our sex life is great -- except he's always wanting to try weird stuff. Now, I'm no Victorian, but when he brought in the goat, the ice skates and the 50- gallon drum of Crisco, I'm afraid I freaked and ran away. Now his feelings are hurt. I'm sure we'd make up right away if I agreed to just go along with whatever he has planned, but frankly, I don't even want to *know* what he has planned.

Flustered in Maumee

Bad smell flustered no eat no good! Not friend no bananas! Goat friend. Crisco nasty. Boyfriend nice big human. Stupid flustered no bad stupid! Go leave Koko alone banana.

(Transcribed by Joseph Moore)

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