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Why Can't We Just Get Along, Instead
of You People Killing and Eating Us?

By a philosophical chimpanzee

I'm sure you humans mean well. I've watched you from afar, and often, when you're not busy killing us, macheteing off our heads to pop into a little primate stew, and gnawing the muscles off our freshly roasted limbs, you humans engage in some surprisingly primate-like behaviors. You play with sticks and leaves, eat fruit, sometimes even clumsily climb trees -- that always cracks me up! But the killing and eating us part sort of puts a damper on my nature-watching.

Look, we're all bipedal mammals with opposable thumbs - there's no reason we can't build some sort of relationship of mutual respect based on our similarities. For example, we primates are all perfectly familiar with the whole invade-somebody-else's-territory thing -- we all do it, to some extent. But we primates will hoot, pound the ground, maybe throw a few rocks and leave it at that. We always back down before anybody gets seriously hurt. Why can't you people try that, instead of blowing our brains out with surplus AK-47s before you've even said hello, and then hacking up our carcasses for dinner? That's hardly what I'd call getting off on the right foot.

About the only time you stop killing and eating us is when you are engaged in killing each other in those endlessly imaginative ways of yours. I admit to a perverse fascination with the variety you humans bring to the task: drowning, shooting, burning, hacking, hanging -- and not just the silverbacks; the juveniles and females also get into the fray. But even then, when you take a break and start wondering what's for dinner, it's *BLAM*, blast and dismember another primate.

All I'm asking is that you give this whole kill-and-eat-us thing a little thought before you've poisoned any chance for a good relationship forever. Just think about it, OK? That's all I'm asking.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

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