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November 5, 2002

Wacky Robot Monkey Delights All

ATLANTA (DPI) - A silly, crazy little robot monkey toy purchased by Atlanta resident Don Simons, 46, proved to be a whole barrel of fun for all who saw the delightful little chap today. Nicknamed "Happy Bonzo," the battery-powered device walks on little plastic feet while clanging his tiny cymbals to a music-box tune and the cheers of onlookers wherever he goes. "Whee! What a fun little monkey he is!" shouted Brandon Martinez, 11, observing the little simian's googly spinning eyes, sporty red overalls and ears that go up and down electrically. Simons reportedly cannot wait until nightfall, when the adorable scamp's spark-shooting mouth and spinning red hat-lamp will be sure to provide even more zany fun.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Flying Monkey Airlines Declares Bankruptcy

NEW YORK (DPI) - Struggling with declining revenues and increased security expenses, Flying Monkey Airlines filed for Chapter 11 today. "After Sept. 11, a lot of passengers were fearful that terrorists might hijack some of our monkeys and fly them into a skyscraper or into the White House," said Rosco, a company spokesmonkey. But Rosco conceded that the company's problems had actually started long before Sept. 11. "We've always had a lot of bad PR baggage from that whole Wizard of Oz thing."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Primate Primetime Perplexes Prosimians

SIMIAN TOWN (DPI) - Primetime television ratings for all five ape networks remained low as simians, angered and confused by the medium, repeatedly destroyed or hid from their sets rather than watched. "The problem is that only one or two of our brighter chimps can understand that there aren't little apes trapped in the box and that they cannot respond to us," said noted psychologist Klacko. "And of course, the healthy ape response is to destroy what you can't understand." Klacko suggested that the networks stick to popular fare such as leaves and grass. "The continual set destruction, combined with our inability to grasp electricity, is creating nasty accidents and fatalities. The ape networks need to be more responsible," he said.

(Reported by Davejames)

Famous Detective Lancelot Link No Longer "Secret Chimp" After Magazine Article

Primatologists Link Early Apelike Ancestors to Kevin Bacon

NAIROBI, Kenya (DPI) - Paleoanthropologists working in eastern Africa have unearthed pieces of a skull and jawbone that could answer questions about the link between early hominid species and actor Kevin Bacon, 44. While isotopic test results are still being studied, researchers believe that the new species' bipedal locomotion and erect posture allowed the creature to walk upright much like Bacon did in 1992's A Few Good Men. Primatologists who have studied Bacon extensively say that the actor's opposable thumbs, highly developed stereoscopic vision and heterodontic teeth allow him to forage for various food sources, leap from tree to tree and procure roles such as that of Fenwick in Barry Levinson's 1982 classic Diner.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Mountain Gorillas Edge Out Baggage Handlers in Luggage-Destruction Invitational

Tests Show Sniper Rifle Used to Shoot Down Kong

Firestone Recalls Steel-Belted Tire Swings

Bush Ties to Banana Industry Raised in Peel-Slipping Scandal

Movie-Going Chimps Inflate Jackass Box-Office Figures

Scratchy NASA Audio Tapes Reveal Earliest Astronaut Claimed Outer Space for All Apekind

Kansas School Board Votes Against Teaching Bipedalism

Poll: Voters Want Better Schools, Secure Retirement, Return of B.J. and the Bear

Every Which Way But Loose III Awaiting Eastwood Buy-In

Jane Goodall Named Primate Playmate of Month

Monkey NASCAR Driver Still Negotiating Turn 1

More headlines

Baboon Letter To The Editor: Yes, my butt is red. Get over it!

Poll: 98% of Drivers Prefer Chimp Toll Booth Attendants

Why Can't We Just Get Along, Instead of You People Killing and Eating Us?

King of Jungle Seat Up for Grabs

CENTRAL JUNGLE (DPI) With just days left before the election, polls show challenger M'Tongo and incumbent Tarzan running in a virtual dead heat for the office of king of the jungle. Tarzan, who shattered barriers by becoming the first Hairless ever to hold the highest office, has held a whirlwind campaign of licking babies and smacking knuckles at almost every jungle tree. And his push to open more child-grooming centers, allowing families greater freedom to hunt and gather during the work day, has played well with the so-called coconut-kicking moms. However, experts agree that as long as the violent and territorial M'Tongo doesn't disable too many and prevent them from making it to the polls, they should turn out in record numbers.

(Reported by Davejames)

Monkeys Deny Being Evolutionary Ancestors of Creationists

SAN DIEGO (DPI) - Monkeys at the San Diego Zoo today denied any anthropological connection between themselves and the members of the Kansas City School Board. According to Rascal, a 14-year-old Zaire chimpanzee, "Anybody smart enough to figure out that by putting the right block into the right hole you get a banana can tell you that God didn't intend the Bible to be a science textbook."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Ape Prosecutors Speak Evil of Judicial System
APE CITY (DPI) - Having failed to obtain a single conviction in 21 years, prosecutors are calling for a radical overhaul of the simian judicial system, beginning with disallowing the oft used "monkey see, monkey do" defense. "Monkeys are compelled to imitate what we see," said District Attorney Champo. "But an ape who sees a robbery on television in November shouldn't be able to use that as a defense in June, for Chimpsake." Champo is also frustrated by juries who refuse to see or hear any evidence of wrongdoing. "Half the time they sit in the jury box with their eyes and ears covered. And trust me, they'd glue their hands to their mouths rather than utter the word 'guilty'."

(Reported by Davejames)

Pink-Assed Baboons Spanked on Stern Show
President Kong Readies for Pre-emptive Sexual Assualt Against Fay Wray
Brolin Grooms Dominant Streisand
IBM Warns of Typewriter Shortage as Monkey Population Increases
Exhibitionist Chimp Arrested for Walking Erect in Mall
Primate Researchers Question "Monkees" Band Member Species
Study: Size of Gorilla's Fingers, Nostrils Correlated
Silverback Threepeats
Lemurs Protest 2nd-Class Monkey Status, Demonstrate Poo-Flinging
Banana Tally Man Questioned in Banana-Hiding Charges
Opinion: Bonzo, Cheetah Were Whores
National Primates Association: We'll Give Up Our Poo When You Pry It From Our Cold, Dead Hands
Aniston Presents; Pitt Mounts
Ass Fragrance Hand Soap Flying off Shelves

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