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November 11, 2003

DopplerNews 2000:   

Californians Disappointed Action-Hero Governor Didn't Fight Fires

SAN DIEGO (DPI) - Angry Californians are demanding to know why Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger did not personally put out the recent catastrophic wildfires as would befit an action-hero chief executive. "We voted for a take-charge, break-the-rules, accomplish-the-mission-through-blood-guts-and-gore governor, and that's what we want -- not some stuffed shirt in a suit asking for federal aid," said Simi Valley resident Pamela Johnson. Ron Ford of Palmdale echoed those sentiments. "Why didn't Arnold tell off the fire commissioner, storm out of his office and grab the controls of one of those cool water-dropping planes?" he said. "Why?"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Father's Punishments Suddenly All Revolve Around Candy

SELWYN, N.H. (DPI) - Bret Hamilton, father of two, has decided to punish all misbehavior by his children by taking one or more candies from their bulging Halloween bags. "At first, my wife and I threatened to just put the candy up on the refrigerator for a day when the kids were fighting," he said. "But then I told my daughter I was taking a Twix and a Milky Way because she hit her brother. I realized I was on to something, and I found myself hoping for defiance and bad conduct." Hamilton soon developed a punishment scale with penalties such as one 3 Muskateers bar for running in the house, two boxes of Milk Duds for not picking up their clothes, and a full-size Snickers bar for fighting. "I've never enjoyed my kids being such foul-mouthed brats until the last few days," said Hamilton. "But I'll have to get back to instilling proper values in them when we get down to just candy corn and Zagnuts."

(Reported by Buddy Fisher)

Report: Next Season of 24 to Revolve Around 24-Hour Flu

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Season four of the popular Fox show 24 will follow Counter-Terrorism Unit agent Jack Bauer through a bout with a 24-hour flu, according to sources who have seen scripts leaked anonymously to the entertainment media. The series reportedly follows its usual real-time format and begins with Bauer coming down with a temperature of 102 and calling in sick to CTU. The pace slows over several episodes as Bauer takes a lengthy afternoon nap, but builds to a dramatic climax afterward when he wakes and rushes to the bathroom to vomit. Further plot developments, such as a tense choice between egg drop soup and chicken noodle soup, have those who have seen the scripts predicting that the show will keep viewers riveted to their TV sets for another season.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Jeb Bush Digging Up Cemeteries, Hooking Up Corpses to Life Support

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (DPI) - Vowing to combat death, Gov. Jeb Bush has ordered state officials to dig up any Florida resident who died within the last 10 years and hook them up to life support. "The state will no longer sit by and allow people to die," said Bush. "When I say I'm pro- life, I mean it." Bush then ordered the reanimated corpses propped up in chairs, on picnic blankets, and other poses reflecting their happy enjoyment of their state-imposed life. "While I'm governor, no Floridian will have to suffer the indignity of decomposition," said Bush.

(Reported by Simon Paul)

Bill Medley Now Self-Righteous

Jessica Lynch Admits She Didn't Rescue Elizabeth Smart

Reagan Movie Jerked by CBS; Reagan Jerked by Home-Care Nurse

Rehab Residents Upset as Limbaugh Monopolizes Group Sharing Sessions

Survey: Average Suicide Bomber Changes Jobs 0 Times

27 Teens Dead as Old Gypsy Woman From First Scene Proven Correct

Atkins Dieter's Pork-Rind Halloween Treats Result in Egging

Embattled Pentagon Official Calls Jesus "Rubber," Islam "Glue"

Kenyan Runner Breaks Sound Barrier at NYC Marathon

I Should Have Have Had Germans Build My Bunker

Francis of Assisi Bitch-Slaps Your Wussy, Limp-Wristed Patron Saint

Obese, Ugly Single Man Not Seeking Same

The Daily Probe College Football Taco Bell/Sprint/10,000 Flushes Bowl Power Rankings

P. Diddy "Runs" New York Marathon by Sampling Other Runner's Race

NEW YORK CITY (DPI) - Rap star Sean "P. Diddy" Combs "completed" the recent New York City Marathon by running 6.2 miles and tacking it onto another runner's 20-mile race. Combs was unapologetic about the maneuver in the face of complaints by other runners. Combs said he plans to "run" additional marathons in the future by riding on the backs of Diana Ross, Sting and Led Zeppelin.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Middle-Aged Guy's College Sex Life Not as Great as He Remembers It

EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. (DPI) - As the sex in Paul Lazanowski's 19-year marriage continues to trail off, he reflected back recently upon his college days, a time that he incorrectly believes was more sexually fulfilling. "Man, back at Villanova, I was getting more tail than I could handle," Lazanowski erroneously recalled. Lazanowski became nostalgic as he recounted conquests of young, beautiful coeds that never actually occurred. "There was that St. Patrick's Day at Flanagan's Pub where I picked up Catherine Noonan," he said. "Man, I banged the shit out of her that night. At least, I'm pretty sure I did, before I threw up all over her dorm room and passed out."

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Dean Wants to Be Candidate of Toothless, Inbred Yokels

ATLANTA (DPI) - Presidential candidate Howard Dean angered Democrats by calling for the party to stop ignoring, in his words, "illiterate, Southern boobs." "For too long, we have left the knuckle-dragging, redneck morons with the impression that they're not wanted in the Democratic Party," said the former Vermont governor. "If we want to win elections, we're gonna need the vote of every racist goober we can find, so I say, let's address the concerns of the backwater trash, using small words and speaking as slowly as necessary to get those drooling hicks to understand." Members of his party have criticized Dean's approach, especially his decision to buy air time for his campaign on UPN.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

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