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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
O.J. Simpson

Dear O.J.,

I think my girlfriend may be seeing someone else on the side. How do I properly defuse this touchy situation without jeopardizing our relationship?

Worried in Wichita

Dear Worried,

Heh. Well, I don't know much about that! See, O.J. doesn't get all involved in that kind of thing. I'm not one to lose my cool over something like that. O.J. would never do that. Absolutely, 100% never.

But I can understand how it might trouble you. I know what you mean about loving someone so much that you would even kill them. I know exactly how you're feeling -- like you just want to put a gun to your head, you're so desperate. When you feel like that, you should try to relax a little. Call up your best friend and go for a nice relaxing drive or something.

Anyway, it will just ruin your life. Just stay away. I know it just tears you up inside, know someone else is laying their eyes on those golden breasts... breasts that you probably paid for! But let it go. How could you do that to the mother of your children? I'm appalled you would even consider it. You need to unwind. So something relaxing. You play golf?


Dear O.J.,

How can I tell my fat-ass sister in law that a 9-inch pumpkin pie is not a single serving?

Hungry in Houston

Dear Hungry,

Take it from me, a Heisman Trophy winner and movie star: No feeling is more gut-wrenching or insecurity-laden as discovering gastronomic over-indulgence in another. Except maybe discovering marital infidelity in another, but that's a different story.

You can't sleep, you question everything she does, and your lives never return to normal. Once I had a friend in this same situation, and he handled it in a wonderfully mature manner: He waited until she finished the entire pie, then he slit her throat. It may sound a bit harsh, but I guarantee you that little bitch never got out of line again after THAT!


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