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November 12, 2001

(The next issue of The Daily Probe will be our
Thanksgiving issue -- Wednesday, November 21.)

Afghan Shit Depleted; Pentagon Sets Sights on Stuffing

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In his daily press briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that Allied forces had completed the process of pounding the shit out of Afghanistan, and will now enter the more difficult "pounding the stuffing" phase. "Pounding their shit was easy," said the avuncular secretary, but he cautioned, "pounding the stuffing out of them could take months, if not years." When asked about the long term plans for the campaign against terrorism, the Secretary reminded reporters that "We're not on a nation-building mission. At best we hope to finish our stuffing-pounding and then move into a long-term phase of punching their pudding."

(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler Office Receive Crab-Laden Letters

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Envelopes sent to Penthouse, Playboy Enterprises, and Larry Flynt Publications that contained an unidentified white substance have tested positive for crabs. Many employees also tested positive for crabs exposure. It is believed Al Qaeda terrorists are working together from many points within the US, as all the letters within the envelopes began the same way: "I always dreamed about it, but I never thought it would really happen to me!" FBI terrorism specialist Frank Crane promised an intensive investigation, saying, "We're taking a bunch of samples back to the lab to look over more thoroughly."

(Reported by Craig Stacey)

Goat Porn Scandal Forces Action Star Buddy Lee to Take Minimum Wage Job

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Rocked by a pornography scandal, former action film and commercial star Buddy Lee's career in show business is no more, forcing the diminutive actor to seek employment as a service station attendant. Two months ago, the president of the Buddy Lee Fan Club alerted the FBI to a pornographic video depicting Lee having after-hours sex with the denizens of a local petting zoo. The subsequent negative publicity has made the previously hot Lee an absolute pariah in showbiz circles. Lee is bitter about the lack of support he received from Hollywood, saying, "You think Dennis Hopper's not into some truly weird shit? James Woods? Billy Bob and Angelina?!?"

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Racist Rant Cleverly Prefaced with Assurance of Non-Racism

CHICAGO, IL (DPI) - A series of racist remarks made by 53-year-old bigot Edward Dunleavy was expertly softened and packaged for public consumption yesterday by the cunning use of the phrase "I'm not a racist, butů" The pipe-fitter's 4:30pm rant, which took place at Charlie's Pub in Chicago's Bridgeport neighborhood, was heard by approximately ten people in Dunleavy's vicinity. No one was injured, and due to the crafty application of anti-racist spin, offense was not taken. The 4-minute racist barrage included 14 outright slurs, 3 casual references to unsatisfactory lifestyles and upbringing, and 2 uncomfortable insinuations. All of these were erased, however, when Dunleavy masterfully concluded with "I'm sure they're good people, though. God love 'em."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

DeLay Confident Airport Security Can Uncover at Least Half of Smuggled Nuclear Weapons

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - House GOP Whip Tom DeLay expressed confidence in the nation's private temp security workers to uncover "probably 60%" of the nuclear weapons terrorists may try to smuggle on board the nation's airplanes, saying, "Unlike most professional law enforcement agents, your average minimum wage temp worker has lots of free time to watch James Bond movies on TV, and therefore has a very good idea what a stolen nuclear weapon looks like. Trained FBI agents or federal marshals don't have that kind of experience." DeLay's comments were praised by Mohamed bin Jihad, chief lobbyist for the Association of Private Security Guards and Militants for Business Freedom.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Bush Finally Learns Name of Pakistan's President

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Over a year after George W. Bush admitted he did not know who the leader of Pakistan was, White House spokesman Ari Fleisher says the President does indeed know the leader's name now. "The President is committed to building strong relations with his staunchest allies, and particularly those who have dedicated so much to our efforts to end terrorism as the Pakistani President has." Fleisher then gave the podium over to Mr. Bush, who said, "Good morning. The president of Pakistan is Pervez Musharraf. Thank you." Reporters close to the podium claimed that the words did indeed emanate from the mouth of the president, and that no cheat sheet or other notes were visible.

(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)

NYC Firefighters Rush In to Put Out Flaming Nathan Lane

Nearsighted Nevada Voter Hits Record Slots Jackpot

Correction: Northern Alliance Actually Captured Omar Sharif

Ashcroft Reveals "Credible Threat" of Crappy Food at Denny's

P. Diddy to Lead Office of Homeboy Security

Nation's Moms Warn Anthrax Victims: Don't Pick At It

Goth Chick "Super Gothy" Since NYC Attack

Atheist Council Confused About Sneeze Protocol

Two Dead, Six Injured in JiffyPop Containment Breach

New Too Hot for National Geographic! Video Targets 12 Year Old Boys

More headlines

Probe Special Report: The Storied History of the Arizona Diamondbacks

Metallica Sues Libraries; Cites Illegal Book Swapping

Daily Probe Charity Watchdog Looks Into the 9/11 Fund

Man Fantasizes Killing Puppy, Experiences Slight Feelings of Guilt

Osama bin Laden Replaced on Shitlist by Break Room Coffee Thief

BRONXVILLE, NY (DPI) - Osama bin Laden was temporarily displaced from the top of Jimmy Neville's shitlist early Friday morning. Bin Laden, leader of the Al Qaeda terrorist network, was pushed out of first place by "some jerkoff who took the last cup of coffee and didn't make a fresh pot," according to Neville, a filing clerk. Bin Laden has been at the top of Neville's shitlist almost constantly since early September, only being beat out in short spurts by "the dickhead who takes up two parking spaces", "the dumbass who won't make a left turn on yellow when there's like fifty cars stuck behind her," and Chris Kattan.

(Reported by R.M. Weiner)

Daily Probe Reaches Milestone 1000th Osama bin Laden Joke

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - In just two months of online publiction, satirical news site The Daily Probe recently celebrated the printing of its 1000th joke about wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden. The joke, in an article by Probe reporter R.M. Weiner, pushes The Probe into the elite upper echelon of sources of bin Laden humor, a select group of outlets that includes The Late Show with David Letterman, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Politically Incorrect, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Saturday Night Live, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn, Dennis Miller Live, Open Mike with Mike Bullard, The Howard Stern Show, Imus in the Morning, Opie & Anthony, Bob & Tom, Mark & Brian, The Capitol Steps, The Chicago, Detroit, and Toronto locations of Second City, The Onion, Modern Humorist, National Lampoon, and roughly 250 nationwide Giggles, Laugh Stop, Comedy Haven, and Guffaws comedy club franchises.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

U.S. Navy Rear Admiral
John Dickson Stufflebeem

No, really, that's his actual name.
We swear to God.

Oh, No You Didn't!

FLINT, MI (DPI) - Ok, I know you didn't just say what I think I just heard you say. I know you didn't just disrespect me in front of all these people. Let me tell you something, Miss Thing. I take care of my kids, and I know you're not trying to get all up in my face right now. Don't even.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

Gun Nearly Kills People

SHREVEPORT, LA (DPI) - The National Rifle Association suffered a setback to their common wisdom "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" when a Colt .45 caliber pistol broke out of its locked case, went to a gun store, and shot and injured two people. Shreveport authorities chased the pistol for several blocks but lost it when it scurried into a large rat hole in an alley behind the shop. "It's the damnedest thing I have ever seen" said recovering shop owner Dale Daleton. "I've been in this business for 20 years and didn't even know guns had legs. Pretty friggin' freaky if you ask me." Shreveport authorities continue their search for the gun, assuring the town's residents that it can't possibly travel far on such little metal legs.

(Reported by Davejames)

  World News
¤ East Coast Islam, West Coast Islam Jihad Rages
¤ Lee Greenwood's God Bless the Northern Alliance Climbs Afghani Charts
¤ IRA Demands Reclassification as "Terrorism Lite"

  Domestic News
¤ "Terrorists Do It Without Any Concern for the Loss of Innocent Human Lives" Bumper Sticker Traced to bin Laden
¤ Experts Say Time Spent Giving a Shit About Chandra Levy Irretrievable
¤ American News Audience Tires of Anthrax Reports, Hopes for Smallpox Outbreak
¤ Nebraska Welcomes Sixth Death Row Inmate With Taffy Pull, Squaredance
¤ Mid-Level Kansas City Mafioso's Balls Busted
¤ Ridge Lifts Ban on "Evildoers," "Ground Zero" as Band Names
¤ Greenspan Cuts Interest Rates to 1.9% APR, No Payments for Six Months
¤ US Second-Graders to bin Laden: "Doody Doody Poop Poop Butt"
¤ Study: 100% of Men With Comb-Overs Actually Think It's Working
¤ National "Risk" Champions Recommend Immediate Invasion of Australia

  Local News
¤ Drury Lane Resident Arrested In "Muffin Man" Rampage
¤ Clever Bon Mot Goes Right Over Other Jurors' Heads
¤ Canned Tomato Soup Zested Up With Celery Salt, Tabasco
¤ Man Loves Coffee, Man Loves Tea; Man Loves the Java Jive and It Loves Man

¤ Soap Opera Industry Honors Victims With Dramatic Zooms, Yelling
¤ Bar Patron Enthusiastic Over That New TV Show, You Know, the One With the Skinny Chick in That Office with That Fat Dude? Boy, Is That Funny!
¤ Report: Andrea Bocelli Totally Unaware He Has Bangs
¤ ABC Accidentally Premieres Hetero-Themed Sit-Com
¤ Amateur Star Wars: Episode I Critic Won't Stop Asking Why Anakin's Mother Would Need a Protocol Droid
¤ Non-Terrorist Al Jarreau: "Hey! Why Did People Stop Coming to My Concerts?!"

¤ Study: Nobody Gives a Shit About Stem Cell Research
¤ Dude, You're Gettin' a Dell!

¤ Mark McGwire Retires from Baseball to Plan His Return to Baseball
¤ Byung-Hyun Kim, Mariano Rivera Exchange Meaningful Handshake, Nod
¤ British Accent Lends Cred to AbMaster Commercial
¤ Dennis Rodman Scores Career-High 14 Bimbettes at Private Party
¤ Dumbass Bets on White Boxer

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

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No use allowed without prior permission.