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Man Fantasizes Killing Puppy,
Experiences Slight Feelings of Guilt



NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) -- Richard Head, 28, felt mildly disgusted with himself Sunday morning, following a period where he repeatedly fantasized about killing a puppy. The imagined caninicide took place at approximately seven o'clock, when Head was awakened from a deep slumber by the pup's incessant whining. "I was totally out cold, you know? I mean, I went to bed at like three in the morning after drinking Saturday night, and was hoping to just crash until noon. Then that little bastard started yelping and just would not shut up! I swear to god, I wanted to bring that pup a bone and shove it sideways down his throat."

The alleged little bastard is Mister Cuddles, a 4-month-old Pomeranian who lives in an apartment across the courtyard from Head in their complex. Head claims that Mister Cuddles howls every morning "like a frickin' rooster" every day around 7AM, but most mornings it doesn't affect him because he's getting ready for work. On Sunday, however, Head was attempting to sleep late. "I only get to sleep late one day a week, because I've got a class on Saturday mornings. And after downing like six shots of tequila last night, I was absolutely counting on some serious crash time. But apparently that little turd thought I didn't deserve it."

A mere four hours into Head's rest, Mister Cuddles began "howling like a banshee" according to witnesses. "It's not like I'm a light sleeper, either," Head stated. "But it would be like sleeping through someone firing an airhorn held up to your ear!" After waking, Head attempted to block out the sound by covering his head with a pillow, but all attempts were futile. That's when caninicide first entered Head's thoughts.

"At the beginning, it was actually pretty tame. First I just thought about going over there and doing something simple, like smothering him with a pillow, or just picking him up and shaking the living hell out of him. But the longer he went on the worse I got."

Following his initial fantasy, Head began his descent into darker and darker visualizations. "I think covering him in lighter fluid and sparking him up was next. But then it started to get kind of disturbing. Popping his head off like a bottlecap against a table, or impaling him on a spear. Um, then there was implosion, exploding, stabbing, squishing, rolling, drugging, eating... You name a verb, I bet I thought of a way to utilize it in ending that noise machine's life."

Head was mentally designing a puppy-sausage packing machine featuring puppy-skinning blades and lemon juice when 45 minutes after the oral assault began, it finally ended. But Head's shame had just begun. "Well, I'm not totally embarrassed about it or anything, but I do feel kind of dirty. You know, he's just a little pup and can't control himself... it's really his owners that I should be thinking about killing. Not that I would or anything, I'm just saying if I'm gonna think about killing someone it shouldn't be a little puppy. You know?"

Oddly, Head feels no guilt at all about indecent thoughts he's had about his seventeen year-old neighbor, Samantha. "She's on her high school's field hockey team, dude, and she's wears home her uniform every day. Field hockey uniform, dude!"


(Reported by R.M. Weiner)




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