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November 21, 2001

(The next issue of The Daily Probe
will be published on Monday, December 3.)

*N SYNC Buried Under Massive Pile Of Suck

ORLANDO, FL (DPI) - All five members of the popular boy band *N SYNC were in guarded condition today after a structural failure caused the towering heap of suck that accompanies the group to collapse upon them while performing at Disneyworld. "It appears that their level of suckosity reached suck-levels previously unknown to humankind," said Dr. Herbert Dranger, Nipsey Russell Chair of of Advanced Suckology at the University of Mid-Florida. "No one can suck that much and expect to escape unharmed." The sucky band's members, all of whom suck well into dangerous levels of individual suckiness, are apparently the first recording artists to reach a breaking point in suck storage capacity since New Kids on the Block were drowned in a suck-tsunami in 1992.

(Reported by Reported by Travis Ruetenik, R.M. Weiner)

Fifth Book in Popular Harry Potter
Series Due Out in January

Bush's Daring Linguistic Gambit Works; Only "Nucular" Weapons to be Reduced

AUSTIN, TX (DPI) - George W. Bush scored a diplomatic coup this week when he obtained Russian acceptance of his missile defense plan in exchange for cuts in America's less important "nucular weapon" stockpiles, while leaving our more strategic nuclear weapons stocked to the hilt. Explained Probe military analyst, retired General Dirk "Boomer" Whiffleboom, "We don't really have any so-called nucular weapons, although Walter Mondale used to think we did." In a brilliant back-up plan, Bush promised only that America's nucular weapons would be dismantlefied, a little-known procedure involving baking soda and chicken fat which will leave America's nucular arsenal, such as it is, entirely ready for action.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

"Imagining Doing Britney" Replaces "Playing Catch" as Top Shared Father-Son Activity

An annual survey of father-son activity shows "imagining doing Britney" leapfrogging over perennial top finishers "playing catch" and "riding bikes" to become the number one pastime of father and sons. Dr. Ellery Scopes, President of Focus on the Family, called the findings, "a mixed bag." "While we are pleased by the intensity of the shared interest and the amount of time spent pursuing it, we also realize that Ms. Spears's irresistibly saucy wantonness is the work of Satan." Edgar Flannery and his son Tripp are among the Britney-doers. Noted Edgar, "I would definitely spank that little tart on her nice pink bottom until she understood who's boss-- er, but the point is that Tripp and I finally have an activity we can share."

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

Survey: America's True Heroes Getting Laid More Often

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - A Daily Probe survey has found that firefighters across the nation are benefiting from their recent high profile, with a marked increase of sexual favors ranging from simple anonymous handjobs to entire nights of hot, steamy passion. "It's true, I've gotten head twice in the station house, a handjob in a McDonald's booth and hooked up with this really freaky chick for a whole weekend -- all in the last two months," said Steven Harrison of the Des Moines Fire Department. Horny firefighters who had nothing whatsoever to do with the World Trade Center cleanup have taken to wearing full gear every time they step out in public. "Chicks dig the helmet," says Harrison.

(Reported by Chuck d'Olive)

Nasty Bio-Hazard Crud Discovered in Nation's Interstate Restrooms

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Amid growing fears of safety, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge called for a task force to investigate the "sullying of our nation's interstate restrooms. What we have here is a domestic threat more widespread than any other bio-terriost action." Pointing to a photo of a gas station restroom, Ridge said, "A clean-up schedule given us by the FBI shows that someone named 'Tommy' cleaned and sanitized this room twenty minutes earlier, yet look at all the crud in plain view." He went on to detail his "Trucker X" theory, in which a small cell of rogue truckers is believed to be responsible for these attacks. "America can relax," said Ridge, "I'm on the case!"

(Reported by Luke Schollmeyer)

Seasonal Seashore Seashell Sales Sensational

SARASOTA (DPI) - Sheila Sheldon, the spunky septuagenarian who spuriously started Sheila's Seashells by the Sea Shore in September, '66, says sales of sea shells skyrocketed since summer solstice. "Super!" says Sheila of the sales, swaggering through her shop in sandals and a sassy sarong. "Sales are spectacular! Sandy shells, soft shells, even swanky shells are selling swell!" The savvy shopkeeper, 77, says a superior sales staff seems to spawn sales. Six shopping Saudi Sheiks share similar sentiments. "Sheila's staff is smashing!" say the sheiks. "But the star of Sheila's Seashells surely is Sheila! Sheila's shells seem superior! Snazzy shells, Sheila!"

(Reported by Greg Preece, Sandra Hull)

Taliban: "Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!"

Al-Jazeera Video of bin Laden Coming From INSIDE THE HOUSE!!

Bin Laden Calls On Muslims Not To Love Raymond

Falwell on Flight 587: Didn't I Tell You Homos to Knock it Off?

Jenna Bush Urges Americans to Help Afghanistan's Underage Drinkers

Nation's Armchairs Brace for Massive Thanksgiving Butt Assault

New National Security Bill Empowers Ashcroft to Hump Your Wife

Dozens Impregnated in Sperm Bank Explosion

FBI Investigates Martha Stewart Link to Organized Crime

Studly Fireman Saves Woman from Burning Loins

Tech Giant Siemens to Change Name to Spoogejizz, Inc.

More headlines

Literary Essays: A Thanksgiving Tribute

Savvy Teenager Sells Friend's Mom on Dell, Penis

More on Dudes and Dells

Nigerian Offers $30 Million to Damn Near Anyone to Via E-mail

Gore Forms Committee to Explore Run for Afghanistan Presidency

ISLAMABAD, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - Former Vice-President and current college professor Al Gore has announced the formation of an exploratory committee to investigate Gore's potential candidacy in the Afghan Presidential race, cite sources early Monday. "He's certainly not saying whether he'll run," an unnamed source explained. "But let's just say, it's a definite possibility. Why do you think he's been growing his beard out for the last few months? Coincidence? I think not." The source claims Gore has scored well in focus groups held in Konduz highlighting ballot design and graphical depictions of the "Lock-Box."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr, Luke Schollmeyer)

Sport of Soccer in Crisis as Player Caught Feigning Injury

BRISTOL, ENGLAND (DPI) -- The sport of soccer was thrown into turmoil yesterday when Sean Wells, a forward for English League powerhouse Bristol, collapsed with an apparent critical injury after the ball was stolen from him by a Northampton defender. Though play was immediately stopped and emergency medical workers rushed onto the field as Wells screamed in agony, it was ultimately discovered that he was not injured at all. The soccer world is now feeling the effects of the deception. "When I saw him crying like that, I was scared that they might have to amputate that leg," said Italian star Dino Baggio. "Why would he do that? Why bring shame on the entire sport?"

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Stufflebeem in Jalalabad
with Abdullah Abdullah;
Funny Name Critical Mass Reached

U.S. Navy Rear Admiral
John Dickson Stufflebeem

Fly On Wall Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Affairs

TULSA, OK (DPI) - Although a position much coveted by human beings, the Fly on the Wall is not all it's cracked up to be, at least not according to someone who has occupied the job for the last 3 days. "It's not as sweet a gig as everyone makes out," stated a large male blue-bottle fly, "It's mostly boring stuff about who's having sex with who, the food's terrible, and then the bastards come after you with these Swatters of Death for no reason at all! I'd much rather have that Fly on the Dumpster gig, all in all."

(Reported by Joseph Moore, R.M. Weiner)

Preparation H-Bomb to Take on Asteroids

HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - NASA today announced plans for a massive project to prepare planet Earth for a possible collision with a rock from deep space. "Asteroids pose a real threat to the planet's population," noted Program Director Payne Fullich. "These fiery balls cause severe pain and discomfort." Consequently, NASA has developed a "Preparation H-Bomb" to relieve the pain and swelling that an asteroid collision with Earth would cause. The ointment would be launched by missile and detonated near the asteroid, coating it with a soothing protective gel. "We'd like to thank the men and women on the Uranus project, whose work was instrumental in developing this device," noted Fullich.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

  World News
¤ CIA: Bin Laden May Have Warp Drive
¤ Al Qaeda on Flight 587: "Oh, Fine, Blame Us Why Don't You?!"
¤ Northern Alliance Seizes Control of bin Laden's Blink 182 CD
¤ Gay Translator Makes Putin Sound All Swishy
¤ Afghani Amway Distributors Prepare to Sell Amway to Infidels

  Domestic News
¤ Rumsfeld Warns Public That it May Take Months to "Make bin Laden Our Bitch"
¤ Annoyingly Self-Righteous Vegans Eagerly Preparing Thanksgiving Advice
¤ Phonics Ring Uncovered; Thousands Hooked
¤ Ford "Dinky" SUV Surprisingly Unpopular With Small-Penised Males
¤ NSC Advisor: "Condi. Dr. Rice if you're nasty!"
¤ New Coast Guard Recruit Guards the Shit Out of Coast
¤ Tulsa Man Swears He Saw Colored Folks in Garth Brooks's Band
¤ Lottery Winner Announces Plans to Keep Job; Loses Right to Be Called "Winner"

  Local News
¤ Funding Scarce for Homeless Man's "Bite to Eat" Prospectus
¤ Farmer's Study Confirms: Everywhere an Oink Oink
¤ Skeptic Held for Questioning
¤ Offensive Racial Stereotype Wishes Feets Not to Fails Him Now
¤ Toilet-Seat Fly No Longer Merely Angry
¤ Hooker Has Heart of Gold, Gonorrhea
¤ Museum of Modern Art Now Insists On Being Called Museum of Modern Arthur
¤ Co-Worker Calls Every Get-Together Something-Palooza
¤ Local Husband Very Sorry, Hungry

¤ Potter Movie Marred By Annoying Brits
¤ Paula Poundstone Still Funny, Just Not Funny Ha Ha
¤ UPN Commissary Introduces Vulcan Tuna Meld
¤ Michael Jackson Moves from Eggshell to Beige, Dancing Skills Diminish Accordingly
¤ Bin Laden May Have "Episode II" Script
¤ Study: 98% Of Women Unable To Shut Up While Husbands Watch Saving Private Ryan

¤ Rumsfeld Cautions Nation to Be Patient in Jordan Comeback
¤ Jordan Loses House, Wife, Kids, Soul at Blackjack Table
¤ Disgruntled Lance Armstrong Gets Huffy
¤ NASCAR Fans Shocked to Learn NASCAR is Moronic

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

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