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November 23, 2004

The next issue of the Daily Probe will be published on December 7.

Report: Arafat Killed by Botched Surgery

PARIS (DPI) - Private records regarding former Palestinian President Yasser Arafat's medical care show his recent death was caused by complications from a routine surgery for a Charlie horse. Surgeon Francois Trudeau of Paris Regional Medical Center admitted to accidentally touching the side of the incision opening while attempting to remove the aforementioned problem equine. "Yes, mistakes were made during the operation," Dr. Trudeau said. "But in my own defense, those tweezers are a bitch to work with." Doctors were alerted to Arafat's declining health after he began to suffer profuse sweating, water on the knee and a persistent ruddy nose.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher, graphic by Tristan Fabriani)

Threat Level Lowered Upon End of Another "Rocktober"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - With another "Rocktober" safely behind us, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge lowered the alert level for the nation's FM radio listeners as of November 15. "Our great nation has successfully held up through yet another annual assault of uninterrupted blocks of Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin and Rush," said Ridge. "Despite 31 straight days of commercial-free, hourly attacks by has-been hair bands, our great nation has endured." Ridge concluded by recommending that listeners could protect themselves from future Rocktobers with plastic sheeting and duct tape.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Idle Hockey Players Called Up for Service in Iraq

BAGDAD (DPI) - NHL hockey players idled by the league lock-out have been called up for duty in Iraq. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld ordered the players to report for training and rapid deployment after they lost their professional sports deferment. Rumsfeld plans to send the hockey players into Iraqi cities abandoned by the regular U.S. military, hoping to confuse Iraqi insurgents into icing the puck or making other strategic errors. Defenseman Peter Worrel welcomed the opportunity to drop the gloves during the league's downtime, but conscientious objector Mario Lemieux refused to report and was given 10 minutes in the penalty box and a game suspension.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Thanksgiving to Be Moved to August 2nd

WASHINGTON (DPI) With Thanksgiving almost completely overshadowed by the Christmas season, a bill has been presented to move Thanksgiving from the fourth Thursday in November to the 2nd of August. The Society of Americans for an Earlier Thanksgiving began the effort for the date switch after Thanksgiving last year. SAET's spokesman stated, "People were hanging their Christmas lights before buying their Thanksgiving bird, and that's just wrong." The choice of August was largely the result of it being a tremendously boring month. Now that the change has been effected, there is talk about celebrating Halloween two weeks earlier so trick-or-treating wouldn't interfere with holiday gift shopping.

(Reported byStuart Johnson)

60 Minutes Unleashes Dental Records Bombshell

NEW YORK (DPI) -- 60 Minutes re-opened its campaign to discredit President George W. Bush's National Guard service this week, airing a devastating interview with Dr. Norman Thorman, DDS, who says that dental records previously released by the White House reveal a "deeply flawed" regimen of oral care. "You can tell a lot about a person by how he flosses, and these records make it clear that party-boy George was thinking of other things when he should have been protecting his teeth and gums." The dentist claimed Bush "failed miserably" with his toothbrush, leading to the formation of potentially damaging tartar and plaque. 60 Minutes correspondent Dan Rather closed the report by saying, "The impartial CBS News staff has no choice but to conclude that you can lead a no-good fratboy to liquor, but you can't make him floss."

(Reported by Brian Jones, Tristan Fabriani)

New York Introduces New Snowball's Chance in Hell Instant Lottery

ALBANY, New York (DPI) - Forced by State Attorney General Elliott Spitzer to adhere to new truth-in-advertising laws, the New York State Lottery unveiled several new scratch-off style lottery games today. The popular Easy Money has been replaced with Snowball's Chance in Hell, Win for Life has been renamed Kiss Your Two Bucks Goodbye, and Winner Take All is now known as You're Fucking Dreaming. Lottery officials also announced the soon-to-be-released Desperate, Pathetic Losers series, which will include new games such as Behind on My Child Support Payments, Drank the Rent Money, and Gotta Pay Off My Bookie.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Arafat Posthumously Awarded Nobel Death Prize

Sears-Kmart to Become Crapco

Peterson Trial Enters "I Don't Give a Shit Anymore" Phase

Rampaging Harlem Globetrotter Pummels Six-Year-Old

South Rises Again, Gets Beer, Sits Back Down

Tara Reid Exposes Boob -- and It Wasn't Carson Daily!

Freshly Neutered Cat Putting on Slightly Less Attitude

Claus Subject of Anti-Semitism Probe

My New Monster Prickburger (tm) Now Available

Bush: "The Nation Has Given Me a Manwich"

Shell-Shocked Democrats Retreat Further Into West Wing Fantasies

Fight Looms as Bush Eyes Judge Aborty McTurnback for Supreme Court

Liberals Hauled From Their Beds at Gunpoint and Forced to Pay Fewer Taxes

Where Are They Now: Deaniacs Return to Organic Vegetable Aisle

GOP to Dems: It'll Hurt Less If You Just Try to Enjoy It

Healing to Begin Right After We All Get In That Last Partisan Shot

A Democrat Guide to Grieving

Vice President Dick Cheney's Letter of Thanks to Voters

Mittens Has Your Answers Right Here

The Bronx vs. The Hague

Where Can I Get Some Cheap Viagra or Cialis?

Wood Shop Can Be Fun, Says Thumbless Man

NOVI, Mich. (DPI) - Many kids have a mistaken impression of wood shop, says Novi Middle School shop teacher Lawrence Hassell. "The fact is, wood shop can be fun for anyone," says the thumbless teacher. "We get kids in here of all kinds: girls, athletes, and some really smart kids too," says Hassell, whose right thumb is missing from the base of the hand. Hassell then displayed a shelf full of birdhouses fashioned by his seventh-grade students. "These kids did a great job and had a lot of fun," he said, pointing toward the band saw with one of his nine remaining digits. "Next week, the lathe!" Hassell stressed that the keys to a fun wood shop experience are safety and cleanliness. "Keeping the floor clean of piles of sawdust is important if you don't want to lose anything," he says.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Innocent Guy at the Palace at Auburn Hills Swears He Didn't Do Anything!

DETROIT (DPI) - Oh, man, that dude over there just threw his drink at Artest. Damn, that guy is stupid. What a moron. Oh, crap, man -- Artest is getting up. He is pissed. Holy shit, he's coming into the stands. This is going to be good, man. He's going to tear that dude a new one. What... wait... he's coming after... me! Goddamnit, I didn't do anything! Where can I run?!? Shit! There's nowhere to run! I can't believe this -- I'm about to get my ass kick-- OW! OOOF! UNGHHH. ARRGH. Nnnghh.

(Reported by Mr. Sun)

Daily Probe Ready to Call Fallujah for Bush

Mount St. Helens Develops New Hot Spot

SEATTLE - Active volcano Mount St. Helens has sprouted a huge lobe measuring 250 feet wide by 900 feet in length. The lobe, which has risen to over 300 feet high, is a hot, sensitive region that scientists believe to be the volcano's clitoris. "We're not entirely sure about this, because most of us have never seen anything like this before," said vulcanologist James Wexhall. "Nonetheless, we're taking appropriate precautions. Access is severely restricted, and direct exploration of the lobe is restricted to short sample gathering missions." Geochemist Sandra McIntyre, however, scoffed at her male colleagues' caution and their notion that too many scientists walking around the area might trigger another major eruption. "Sure," she commented. "Like *that's* gonna happen."

(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)

CORRECTION: The Daily Probe reported recently that Condoleezza Rice's recent surgery reminds us that she is the first secretary of state (or nominee) with a uterus. Several astute readers pointed out that former Secretary of State Madeleine Albri-- AUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!

(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

Study: Nearly Every Fucking Thing Says "Old Navy" On It

NBA's Artest Claims "Diplomatic Illumity and Shit"

Sales of Ringo's Albums Skyrocket on News of Arafat Death

Martha Stewart Claims "Cruel and Unusual Punishment" Over 2:00 pm Tee Time

Spongebob Movie Opens Second at Box Office as Nation's Stoners Sleep Through Weekend

First-Time Parent Photographs Poop

Anthropologists Trace Origin of the Courtesy Flush to 18th Century Hapsburg Empire

Tucker Carlson Lifting Weights in Anticipation of Stewart Rematch

Heroin Mule Busted at JFK: "That Was My Cousin's Rectum!"

Bossanova Blamed

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