Jackson's Father: Lax Beating Schedule Caused Problems
GARY, Ind. (DPI) - Joe Jackson, father of pop star Michael Jackson, today
accepted some of the responsibility for his son's circumstances, saying
the King of Pop's issues would not be experiencing such a multitude of
problems if he'd beaten more of the weirdness out of his son at an earlier
age. "It's my fault, really," said the elder Jackson. "If I had only taken
time out from the regular daily beating schedule to add in a few
ass-whippings for his being such a strange little boy, I could have
probably smacked this bizarre behavior right out of him." He pointed to an
instance at the onset of his son's puberty where problems could have been
nipped in the bud. "One day Michael started inquiring about the opposite sex,"
said Joe Jackson. "Knowing girls would distract him from rehearsals, I beat the
idea out of him. In reality, though, I should have just beaten in the concept
that girls would be okay once he was 18 and the band was established."
Jackson remained philosophical about his son, noting that parents can try
to smack their children onto the right path, but once the offspring go out
on their own, parents are powerless to show they care beyond the
occasional head slap during the holidays.
(Reported by Davejames)
Santa Barbara Police Mistakenly Arrest Carol Channing
Bush Ads Attacks Dems for Supporting Jackson
WASHINGTON (DPI) - A new series of George W. Bush re-election campaign ads criticize Democrats
for supporting singer Michael Jackson and child molestation. "President
Bush is opposed to child molestation. Democrats are attacking the
president," says the voiceover in one of the spots, which began airing today.
"Clearly, the Democrats favor child molestation and want to take your
children away from you and give them to Michael Jackson. Call your
congressman and tell him to oppose the Democrats' efforts to make your
children Michael Jackson's sex toys."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Inmates Say Jackson Arrival Will Be a Thriller
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (DPI) - With Michael Jackson facing the possibility
of eight years for each felony count levied against him, inmates in
California's state correctional facilities can't believe their luck. "Last
year's talent show was such a dud," said armed robber Enrique Mu˜oz,
"Same old lifers putting mops on their heads and doing the same old Celine
Dion songs, and of course, all that Eminem. [Jackson] could really add
some polish." Others are less focused on Jackson's talent and more
interested in what he might bring to prison social life. "When that
Playboy with LaToya came out all those years ago, I used to imagine what
it would be like to have her in here," said gang member Anthony Concord.
"And if you take a look, Michael looks just like LaToya if she had some
reconstructive facial surgery for burn scars. He'll be real popular. Best
of all, I heard his nose pops right off."
(Reported by Davejames)
Jackson: Prostitution Bust Proves Innocence
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - After posting $3 million bail following his
arrest in Santa Barbara, Calif., pop star Michael Jackson returned to Las
Vegas, where he was later arrested on charges of soliciting prostitution.
Jackson said that should prove to the world that he is innocent of
child-molestation charges. Clark County Sheriff Harrison Langford
confirmed Jackson's most recent arrest and disclosed details. "We caught
Jackson right on the strip with the aid of an undercover officer in
front of the Golden Nugget Casino," said Langford. "He was heard saying
very loudly that he, quote, wanted some hot tail and wanted it now from a
real woman and not some little kid. In fact, he said it so loud that we
didn't need our hidden microphone to hear it in our van across the street."
A spokesperson for Jackson confirmed that the singer is indeed a heterosexual
with no bizarre desires or fetishes.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
Scrappy Kenyans Take Lead in Crowded Democratic Presidential Race
Siegfried Mauled by Pet Rock
Really Really Important Guy Makes Really Really Important Announcement Regarding Office Microwave
"Barbie Kisses Britney" Doll Big Hit This Xmas
Man With Fake Credentials Sneaks Into White House, Makes State Visit to England
Sale of Air Guitars Spurs Holiday Economy
Mr. T Set to Star in Lord of the Bling
Paris Hilton Deemed Too Shallow to be Superficial
Gnat's Ass Sells for $24.50 on eBay
The Press Needs to Rethink Its Focus on Jackson
Teenager Dreading Another Year at "Kids' Table"
Looks Like Michael Jackson's Glory Days Are Over
Probe Reporter Accused of Fabricating Stories Fabricates Confession
PORTLAND, Ore. (DPI) - Daily Probe reporter Gene Ricman was
dismissed yesterday following his confession to
having fabricated every single story ever published in the Daily
Probe under his byline. He was immediately reinstated following a
second confession that his first confession was completely made up.
The Daily Probe research staff has since confirmed that Ricman has
in fact never submitted a single article for publication to the Daily
Probe editorial staff, prompting Probe editor-in-chief Travis Ruetenik to
issue a public statement welcoming Ricman back into the Probe family. "It
would be a shame to allow talent like this to go to waste," said a
relieved Ruetenik. "Welcome home, Gene."
(Reported by Gene Ricman)
Return of the Queen Completes Paris Hilton Sex Tape Trilogy
NEW YORK (DPI)- Cubicle workers and serial masturbators are eagerly
awaiting the inevitable release of the third Paris Hilton sex tape.
Return of the Queen sees the hotel heiress at the center of an epic
threesome with Leonardo DiCaprio and Vespa, a well-known Soho drag queen
making his/her film debut. According to sources, the gravity- defying
"anal/anal" scene alone took seven days to shoot. Hilton could not be
reached for comment, as she was out dancing.
(Reported by Chip Davis)
Wal-Mart Employees Revolt; Company Regrets Stocking Shotguns
BENTONVILLE, Ark. (DPI) - Thousands of Wal-Mart employees rose up today to
throw of the yoke of their bourgeoisie employers. Their glorious
revolution began when the proletariat workers used the tools of their
capitalistic oppressors to take over the stores for their cause. "In
retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to hire illegal immigrant workers
and pay them $0.80 a day and then give them keys to the weapons cabinet in
the sporting section," said a Wal-Mart spokesman. The movement was quickly
and mercilessly crushed, though, when company officials approved a pay
raise to $1.25 a day.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)