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November 25, 2003

Jackson's Father: Lax Beating Schedule Caused Problems

GARY, Ind. (DPI) - Joe Jackson, father of pop star Michael Jackson, today accepted some of the responsibility for his son's circumstances, saying the King of Pop's issues would not be experiencing such a multitude of problems if he'd beaten more of the weirdness out of his son at an earlier age. "It's my fault, really," said the elder Jackson. "If I had only taken time out from the regular daily beating schedule to add in a few ass-whippings for his being such a strange little boy, I could have probably smacked this bizarre behavior right out of him." He pointed to an instance at the onset of his son's puberty where problems could have been nipped in the bud. "One day Michael started inquiring about the opposite sex," said Joe Jackson. "Knowing girls would distract him from rehearsals, I beat the idea out of him. In reality, though, I should have just beaten in the concept that girls would be okay once he was 18 and the band was established." Jackson remained philosophical about his son, noting that parents can try to smack their children onto the right path, but once the offspring go out on their own, parents are powerless to show they care beyond the occasional head slap during the holidays.

(Reported by Davejames)

Santa Barbara Police Mistakenly Arrest Carol Channing

Bush Ads Attacks Dems for Supporting Jackson

WASHINGTON (DPI) - A new series of George W. Bush re-election campaign ads criticize Democrats for supporting singer Michael Jackson and child molestation. "President Bush is opposed to child molestation. Democrats are attacking the president," says the voiceover in one of the spots, which began airing today. "Clearly, the Democrats favor child molestation and want to take your children away from you and give them to Michael Jackson. Call your congressman and tell him to oppose the Democrats' efforts to make your children Michael Jackson's sex toys."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Inmates Say Jackson Arrival Will Be a Thriller

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (DPI) - With Michael Jackson facing the possibility of eight years for each felony count levied against him, inmates in California's state correctional facilities can't believe their luck. "Last year's talent show was such a dud," said armed robber Enrique Mu˜oz, "Same old lifers putting mops on their heads and doing the same old Celine Dion songs, and of course, all that Eminem. [Jackson] could really add some polish." Others are less focused on Jackson's talent and more interested in what he might bring to prison social life. "When that Playboy with LaToya came out all those years ago, I used to imagine what it would be like to have her in here," said gang member Anthony Concord. "And if you take a look, Michael looks just like LaToya if she had some reconstructive facial surgery for burn scars. He'll be real popular. Best of all, I heard his nose pops right off."

(Reported by Davejames)

Jackson: Prostitution Bust Proves Innocence

LAS VEGAS (DPI) - After posting $3 million bail following his arrest in Santa Barbara, Calif., pop star Michael Jackson returned to Las Vegas, where he was later arrested on charges of soliciting prostitution. Jackson said that should prove to the world that he is innocent of child-molestation charges. Clark County Sheriff Harrison Langford confirmed Jackson's most recent arrest and disclosed details. "We caught Jackson right on the strip with the aid of an undercover officer in front of the Golden Nugget Casino," said Langford. "He was heard saying very loudly that he, quote, wanted some hot tail and wanted it now from a real woman and not some little kid. In fact, he said it so loud that we didn't need our hidden microphone to hear it in our van across the street." A spokesperson for Jackson confirmed that the singer is indeed a heterosexual with no bizarre desires or fetishes.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)

Scrappy Kenyans Take Lead in Crowded Democratic Presidential Race

Siegfried Mauled by Pet Rock

Really Really Important Guy Makes Really Really Important Announcement Regarding Office Microwave

"Barbie Kisses Britney" Doll Big Hit This Xmas

Man With Fake Credentials Sneaks Into White House, Makes State Visit to England

Sale of Air Guitars Spurs Holiday Economy

Mr. T Set to Star in Lord of the Bling

Paris Hilton Deemed Too Shallow to be Superficial

Gnat's Ass Sells for $24.50 on eBay

The Press Needs to Rethink Its Focus on Jackson

Teenager Dreading Another Year at "Kids' Table"

Looks Like Michael Jackson's Glory Days Are Over

Probe Reporter Accused of Fabricating Stories Fabricates Confession

PORTLAND, Ore. (DPI) - Daily Probe reporter Gene Ricman was dismissed yesterday following his confession to having fabricated every single story ever published in the Daily Probe under his byline. He was immediately reinstated following a second confession that his first confession was completely made up. The Daily Probe research staff has since confirmed that Ricman has in fact never submitted a single article for publication to the Daily Probe editorial staff, prompting Probe editor-in-chief Travis Ruetenik to issue a public statement welcoming Ricman back into the Probe family. "It would be a shame to allow talent like this to go to waste," said a relieved Ruetenik. "Welcome home, Gene."

(Reported by Gene Ricman)


Return of the Queen Completes Paris Hilton Sex Tape Trilogy

NEW YORK (DPI)- Cubicle workers and serial masturbators are eagerly awaiting the inevitable release of the third Paris Hilton sex tape. Return of the Queen sees the hotel heiress at the center of an epic threesome with Leonardo DiCaprio and Vespa, a well-known Soho drag queen making his/her film debut. According to sources, the gravity- defying "anal/anal" scene alone took seven days to shoot. Hilton could not be reached for comment, as she was out dancing.

(Reported by Chip Davis)

Wal-Mart Employees Revolt; Company Regrets Stocking Shotguns

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (DPI) - Thousands of Wal-Mart employees rose up today to throw of the yoke of their bourgeoisie employers. Their glorious revolution began when the proletariat workers used the tools of their capitalistic oppressors to take over the stores for their cause. "In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to hire illegal immigrant workers and pay them $0.80 a day and then give them keys to the weapons cabinet in the sporting section," said a Wal-Mart spokesman. The movement was quickly and mercilessly crushed, though, when company officials approved a pay raise to $1.25 a day.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

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