Family Prepares for Aunt Sophie's "Famous Holiday Casserole"
DAVENPORT, Neb. (DPI) - As Thanksgiving Day approaches, members of the
Warren family have one thing for which they will not be giving thanks: Aunt
Sophie's casserole. This unwelcome tradition has been going on longer than
anyone cares to remember, yet no member of the family has ever had the
courage to confront the aging relative on her annual culinary catastrophe.
The exact ingredients of the side dish remain a mystery, but most agree
that it likely contains potato, corn flakes, orange marmalade, sour cream,
Tabasco sauce and miniature marshmallows. Sophie once added chocolate chips
and tried to pass it off as a dessert.
"When I was a kid, I could get away without eating it," admitted David
Warren. "But now that I'm an adult, Aunt Sophie expects you to take a good
big scoop of that crap, then she comes around offering seconds. I've tried
to feed it to the dog under the table, but even he's not stupid enough to
take it, and I've seen him eat roadkill. I watch the news reports showing
the homeless people at the downtown soup kitchen and wish I could be eating
with those lucky bastards."
Paul Warren has his own evasive strategy.
"I actually look forward to every other year when I have to go to my
mother-in-law's for Thanksgiving," he said. "They're a bunch of
drunks, but at least I can eat what I want. I'm not even sure how I'm
related to Aunt Sophie. I just keep assuming that she'll have died before
the next Thanksgiving, but each year she strolls in with a bigger and more
stomach-turning casserole dish."
For decades, heavy hints to Sophie in the days before Thanksgiving have
gone unheeded. Family members have used lines such as, "We already have
more food coming than we can eat," or "Just having you here will be
enough." Sophie, however, has just responded, "Oh, I know how disappointed
everyone would be without my famous casserole!" Many of the Warrens have
discussed chipping in and paying for Aunt Sophie to be sent to a nursing home.
"Forty-thousand dollars per year is a small price to pay to have a
Thanksgiving that we can enjoy," said Angela Warren. "I'd like to be
sincere when I thank God for the food we are about to eat."
(Reported by Buddy Fisher)
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