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November 26, 2002

Weapons Inspectors Discover New Kind of Funk

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - U.N. weapons inspectors today revealed that they found Iraq to be hiding a new and potentially lethal kind of funk. "We were carrying out an unannounced search in Baghdad's nightclub district when we detected a previously unknown groove that was driving the hep cats wild," said Chief inspector Hans Blix. This particular strand of funky groove is said to be a combination of "house" and "crazy casbah sound," but with a far more deadly beat. Because of this new threat, the U.S. Army is equipping new soldiers with extra cash to bypass any Iraqi resistance demanding a cover charge.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Tupac Announces Tour in Support of New CD

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Deceased rapper Tupac Shakur today announced that he will be embarking on a major 46-city tour to support his new CD, Better Dayz. Although Shakur has now released seven CDs of new music since he was shot and killed in Las Vegas in 1996, this will be his first tour since his murder. The long-dead rapper attributed his decision to get back on the road mostly to boredom. "Man, I just got tired of lyin' around in that box all fuckin' day, y'know what I'm sayin'?" said Shakur. "I thought it might do me some good to promote my new CD and get some fresh air at the same time. One."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Bug-Like Crushing Averted Narrowly Again

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Disaster was narrowly averted again Saturday night as Philip Court, better known as the Guy Who Will Crush You Like a Bug, fell off of his barstool without successfully crushing the many Flipper McGee's patrons he quite vocally placed on his "crushing like a bug" list. Although this was the 149th consecutive weekend that Court has passed out without issuing a single bug-like crushing, patrons of the pub remained wary. "I've seen him eyes closed, face down in his own urine beside the toilet waving at the air blindly avowing to crush, bug-like," said one regular. "Anyone that committed to his cause must be taken seriously."

(Reported by Davejames)

Six-Pack of O'Doul's Leaves Man Stinking Sober

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (DPI) - Non-drinker Charlie Wyatt was "shitfaced sober" after a wild night at a friend's party in which the roofing salesman, 46, drank no fewer than six bottles of O'Doul's non-alcohol beer, friends said Sunday. "He always gets like this on O'Douls," said concerned friend Alfred Varnett, 55. "I told him to stick with Jim Beam and then switch to the N.A., but once he gets started on the soft stuff, you can't reason with him -- he's clear as a bell." Wyatt's lucid activities Saturday included talking about current events in the Middle East and playing volleyball with the host's kids. "We're just about ready for an intervention," said Varnett, trying unsuccessfully to tempt Wyatt away from a slice of pie with a Budweiser.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Press Release: Britney Happy to Be Out of Press

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Although divas Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera are garnering all the press, Britney Spears is more than happy to be out of the limelight, according to several faxes and emails from Spears' publicist this week. "With Britney taking a well-deserved rest, she can avoid the torrent of ink and photographic frenzy that would surely surround her latest, and mysterious, further increase in bust size," read one e-mails. "Britney also appreciates not having to explain the ongoing correspondence from Britain's Prince William, as they are just friends. And if she were to appear with a mystery boyfriend next Tuesday, she is glad no one will be the wiser."

(Reported by Davejames)

New Papa Jacko Dangles Baby Over Gaping Mouth of Hell

Pakistanis Hail Executed Murderer as Hero, Slice of My Turd Loaf As Delicacy

Bush to Kick Ass, Mispronounce Names

Peace-Crazed Protesters Maim, Kill Hundreds in Nigeria

Nolte a 3-1 Favorite Over Latifah in Quarters Battle

Kamen: Ford's 2-Ton, 8-Seat "Segway Safari" Misses Point

The Bachelor Wins Key Moron Demographic

HP Earnings Rise on New Jam-n-Smudge Laser Printers

Johnny Knoxville Dead of Natural Causes

More headlines

Family Prepares for Aunt Sophie's "Famous Holiday Casserole"

"Friendraiser" Raises Friends, Funds

Baptists Celebrate Potter's Box Office Disappointment

Iran Worried About Being "Out-Eviled" by Iraq, Korea

TEHRAN, Iran (DPI) - Iran expressed concern today about being "not as evil" as fellow Axis of Evil members Iraq and North Korea. "If you're the number-three guy in this business, it's easy to get squeezed out of the mix by the top two players," said government official Anwar bin al Mohammed. "We've got to be able to compete with Iraq's chemical weapons and North Korea's nukes if we're going to stay in the game." Mohammed said Iran is considering unleashing a smallpox epidemic, blowing up America's hydroelectric dams or lighting a bag of dog poo on the White House porch.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

American Youth Approve Oldster Confusion Measures

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - In the latest move to keep 35-year-olds and other "ancients" from believing they are hip, at an emergency meeting this morning the youth of America approved sweeping new changes to their culture. "It was necessary, really," said Kaetlin Jones, spokesman for everyone under the age of 21. "Because of the Internet, oldsters were showing an alarming ability to converse with us. It was creepy, like watching your grandfather locking and popping." The generation will have to run this past the Congress of African-American Rap-Speak, which it can't make a move without. "But if this goes well, American youth will soon be p-shoppin' da cred blow, top diddy yo," said Jones.

(Reported by Davejames)

Weird Guy On Bus Going To Talk To You In 3... 2... 1...

DOWNTOWN EXPRESS #22 (DPI) - Hey, how's it going today?

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

U.N. Sanctions Al-Jazeera for Failure to Rewind Bin Laden Tape
Ashcroft Now Has Authority to Watch You Fuck
Apple Ads a Big Hit With Computer-Illiterate Morons and Artsy Dweebs
Money Not Everything, Say Rich
Extreme Athlete's Condition Extremely Critical
Company Claims Spill First Step in Oil Theme Park
Tiger Woods Urged to Solve All of World's Fucking Problems
Cheney Lets Out "Khan!" Wail at News Bin Laden's Alive
Dead Beatles Still Doing Better Than Ringo

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