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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Osama bin Laden

Dear Osama,

I'm about to visit my husband's family for Christmas, and I'm dreading it. I've tried everything to get along with them, but my in-laws just can't stand me! How can I get through another holiday?

Crying About Christmas, Palm Beach, FL

Dear Crying,

Hey there, bucko -- 'til you've tried strapping eight kilos of C4 plastic explosives to your body and detonating yourself in a large public gathering, you haven't tried everything. ;) Remember: to settle a squabble between relatives or religions, you've gotta kill every last one of your enemies. Trust me, I know it can be a big ol' crazy bother, but just remember what a wonderful world it will be when that whole nasty little family is pushing up pretty little daisies. :)


Hey bin,

I'm a struggling dictator-for-life, and I was wondering if you had any advice for any up-and-coming tyrants out there.

bin Rulin', Travamabad, Travistan

P.S. Love your work!

Hey bin II,

Love the name!!! :) :) :)

Well, aside from inculcating doctrinaire values in your followers from early childhood on, and blaming an powerful and distant enemy for their country's crippling poverty and massive failures in the public sector, I can't say enough about fashion. When you look your best, your followers feel their best. I keep it low-key -- simple lines, basic earth tones, and a nice Rolex for a tasty splash of what we mujahadeen call "mac daddy class." :)


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