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December 3, 2002

"Second-Greatest Story Ever Told" to Air on ABC

NEW YORK (DPI) - ABC's holiday programming schedule is to include the long-awaited sequel to the classic "Greatest Story Ever Told," the network says. Filmed entirely on location in Terre Haute, Ind., the story is about a man named Tony who buys a truck from a guy his sister works with, and finds himself stuck in the parking lot at Burger King because it won't even turn over, though the lights and radio work. "If you loved the 1965 original, you'll love the story that came in a close second place," said ABC spokeswoman Renee Baker. "The Second-Greatest Story Ever Told" stars Ving Rhames as Tony and Ralph Fiennes as the guy at the Jiffy Lube.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Italian Doctor Claims Woman to Give Birth to Human Clown

ROME (DPI) - Dr. Guillermo Andolini announced this week that he has successfully implanted a human clown embryo in a woman who should deliver the clown in January. Andolini refused to offer any proof of his claim that the embryo is a clown except ultrasound tests that reveal that the embryo is a healthy boy with a red nose and green hair. Scientists are skeptical of Andolini's claims, noting that all previous attempts to produce mammal clowns have resulted in birth defects, including sheep born without floppy red shoes and a dog born with a deadly allergy to seltzer water.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

New Terrorism Policies Make Insurance Agents Even More Annoying

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. (DPI) - No sooner had the ink of President Bush's signature dried on his new terrorism-insurance legislation than the nation's insurance agents swooped into action like vultures tearing into an antelope carcass. Insurance agent Henry La Rue, who has already sold dozens of the new policies, describes them as "a good way to stand up for America." He also reminds his clients that he "doesn't sell insurance, he sells protection from bin Laden."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Bronner Honored by Looney Soapmakers' Guild

ESCONDIDO, Calif. (DPI) - For the 18th year in a row, the Association of Wacko Batshit Soapmakers honored Dr. Bronner as its Man of the Year at the group's annual gathering in Los Angeles today. Known for his famous Pure-Castille "All-One-God-Faith" soap and insane, whacked-out rantings, Bronner's philosophy and cleaning products have been widely held as an inspiration to other soapmakers who are a couple volumes short of a library. Said association President Senor "Bubbles" Blinkwater, "I use Dr. Bronner for Shave-Shampoo-Massage-Dental! I dash in Hot Water, Towel Massage body always toward heart! OK! Dilute!"

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

UN Inspectors Begin With Contemplative Search for Own Inner Weapons of Mass Destruction

Patriarch Outlaws Jell-O "With Shit Floating in It"

College Football Mascot Sure Thought He'd Be Getting Laid More

Latest U.N. Resolution Demands Iraq Issue "Bush Rulz/Saddam Droolz" Postage Stamps

156 Dead as Rocket Launcher Wins 4th-Grade Science Fair

Saudi Government: We Did Not Give Monkey to Terrorists

Emission Standards Lowered as Bush Makes Latest Installment Payment on Presidency

Martha Burk Insists Masters Golfers Wear Tampons

Iraq: "Inspections Are Excuse for War"; U.S: "Duh"

More headlines

6-Year-Old Charged With Tooth Fairy Fraud

Gore Comeback Tour Sells Out Meadowlands in 4 Minutes

Body of Missing Turkey Identified

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (DPI) - The burned and dismembered remains of a turkey missing since last Thursday were identified by forensic scientists today after a statewide search located the body in a Birmingham Dumpster. Marvin David Glockencoddlykook, missing from a Montgomery ranch for the past week, was feared abducted after failing to show up at feeding time Thursday morning. Volunteer searchers found the skeletonized corpse under a crumpled aluminum pan behind an apartment complex and notified police. Police are holding John Randall Cooper, 46, in custody under suspicion of murder and mutilation of a corpse.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Carnival Claims Vomiting, Diarrhea Normal on Cruises

MIAMI (DPI) - Carnival Cruises is denying reports that a virus is the culprit in causing passengers to experience vomiting and diarrhea, claiming that such symptoms are instead "normal components of the sea cruise experience." A company official claims that diarrhea is a natural by-product of their ships' disgustingly over-the-top quantities of food. "You'd spend half of the cruise in the toilet, too, if you ate eggs benedict every morning for a week," stated the official. As for the vomiting, the official said that this was most likely caused by "excessive consumption of bottom shelf liquor, or our karaoke night."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Cruise Ship Nausea Linked to Benigni's Pinocchio
Blix Finds Month-Old Egg Salad in Saddam's Fridge
Gay Sheep Flock to World Aids Day Events
Nicolas Cage Seen in Vegas Supermarket With Cart Full of Booze
Psychiatrist Declares Mariah Carey "Crazy but Still Hot"
Fleischer: Saudis "Good Partners" in War on Terrorism, Jacko's Plastic Surgeon "Good Nose Guy"
Arizona Carpetlayer Claims Britney "Not My Type"
Slap Fails to Awaken Zsa Zsa

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