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December 7, 2004

The next issue of the Daily Probe will be published on or about December 21.

U.S. Pegs Declining Dollar to Big Mac

WASHINGTON (DPI) With the Dollar at a 12-year low against British Sterling, the US Treasury has chosen to tie the value of the dollar to a McDonald's Big Mac. Not only does this peg the value of the dollar to the popular sandwich, but also the currencies of a number of Latin American and Asian nations who are tied to the dollar. For instance, the price of a Big Mac in China will always be 8.2 yuan now. The European Union views this as a unilateral decision by the U.S. to unfairly take advantage of a multinational corporation and in response is tying the value of the Euro to Burger King's Whopper. Other nations are expected to follow, with the U.K. putting the pound against a bucket of fish 'n' chips, and the Japanese Yen being tied to a cup of ramen noodles.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Kofi Annan Denies Profiting From Oil-for-Food Program

New Homeland Security Chief Changes Red "Severe" Alert Color to Brown

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Former Police Commissioner and newly appointed Homeland Security Secretary Bernard Kerik has been head of the department for less than a week and he's already making sweeping changes to policies and procedures. Last Monday Kerik announced he is reshuffling the colors of the famed terror alert level and replacing the severe or red level with brown, a color he thought was "more appropriate." Kerik said in a press conference, "We've never had a 'severe' alert since 9/11 and I hope we never do -- but red just seems too frightening. With the holidays coming up, it also didn't seem very appropriate. Brown, however, is perfect because I know when a severe alert is issued, everyone in the entire country will be shitting their pants."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Assault Weapons to be Distributed in Schools

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Congress voted to require public school health clinics to distribute semi-automatic assault weapons to any student who requests one. Explained GOP Majority Leader Tom DeLay, "Students should be entitled to practice safe citizenship. This requires that they bear arms and be prepared to defend themselves against Al Qaeda, the British, or any evildoers in their area." The controversial measure allows the students to obtain the firearms without the knowledge or consent of their parents. Said DeLay, "Many teenagers are uncomfortable asking their parents for weaponry."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Ridge Leaves Homeland Security Post to Join Cast of SCIFI's Scare Tactics

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Tom Ridge, the nation's first Homeland Security secretary, announced following his retirement that he would join the behind the scenes crew of the popular hidden camera television cable show hosted by Stephen Baldwin, Scare Tactics, to "do what I do best: make people crap their pants." The show's creators had been trying to lull the Homeland Security chief away from the Bush administration since the show's creation in 2003, say show creators Scott Hallock and Kevin Healey. "When it comes to making people believe the unbelievable is real, he's the master," Hallock said. "And no one's better at scaring people so naturally than Ridge. The guy's so stiff that I met him in person and thought the dead had risen again. He'll be perfect for our 'Shaun of the Dead' reenactment next week in Bloomington, Indiana... crap."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Ukrainian Election Fiasco Calls Attention to Existence of Ukraine

Popeye Admits to Spinach Use

Iraqi Erections Delayed By Women Voters

Julia Roberts Has Beautiful Set of Twins; Babies, Too

Bush Replaces Cabinet with Folgers Crystals

Peterson Trial Enters Gaseous Phase

Scout Troops Deployed to Iraq

Mrs. Tom Ridge Prepares to Defend Ports of Entry

Julian Bond Denies Steroid Use

Kofi and Kojo: A Conversation

Banality Ridge: Art and Style Critic Jess Hautman Critiques the Homeland Security Secretary's Tenure

Bush Hopes to Boost Economy With Reinstatement of Slavery

I No Longer Give a Shit About the Top 40

Convenience Store Clerk Not Making a Career Out of This

Omaha, Neb. (DPI) - Circle-K convenience store clerk Ryan Sowell wants everyone to know he's not planning on using his position as a springboard to a cushy job in the corporate world. Sowell, who has been manning the register at the Circle-K since 1995, maintains he's just waiting for a better opportunity to come his way. "I'm not interested in working some king of suit-and-tie job -- that's just not for me," said Sowell. "I'm just kinda hanging out here and making some spending money for now. Eventually, something better will come along, and when that happens, I am outta here." Sowell's regular customers tend to think otherwise, though. Jamel Anderson, age 15, said, "Man, Ryan's been working here since I was little kid. That fool ain't goin' nowhere."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

House Republicans Demand a Sacrifice

WASHINGTON (DPI) - House Republican leaders held up a vote on an intelligence reform plan until a provision is added requiring the sacrifice of one Democratic child every year. "We're really the majority now," explained Speaker Dennis Hastert. "We're no longer going to just pass bills whenever there's bi-partisan support for it. We won a mandate and we're going to use it to rub the Democrats' face in our exalted power until they bleed." A Senate compromise offer in which a mere savage beating of a Democratic child would suffice was rejected by House leaders. Said Hastert, "Be happy we're letting most Democrats live."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Charitable Donations Pouring in for "Burps For Daddy"

MIAMI (DPI) - The sponsors of "USA for Africa" have created a charity for new fathers unable to get their infants to burp for them. "Burps for Daddy" collects burps donated by gaseous infants for fathers of stubborn babies who refuse to burp for Daddy. So far, over a quarter-million liters of intestinal gas have been collected. Fathers seeking to receive donations must submit an application documenting their efforts to obtain burps from their infants. Explained campaign coordinator Michael Francis, "We don't want to encourage fathers who are afraid to get spit up on to become burdens on the dutifully belching babies of America."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Blue States Secede

NEW YORK (DPI) - Declaring that "We've had enough of this gun-toting, Jesus-loving neo-Nazi bullshit," newly appointed Acting Secretary of State Michael Moore announced that the blue states had officially seceded from the Union to form the Liberal States of America. Reaction in the red states was mixed. "New York was part of the United States?" said Iowa corn farmer Ira Walker. "I had no idea." Acting L.S.A president Martin Sheen announced efforts to establish diplomatic ties and possible merger talks with Sweden and Canada. Reacting to reporter's questions as to whether secession is legal, President Sheen pointed out that Lincoln was, after all, a Republican.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


The Daily Probe reported recently that Sir Elton John's monthly florist bill exceeds $40,000. The entertainer's attorney kindly pointed out that the actual figure is slightly lower. Nevertheless, John is a pampered fuckwit whose egotism knows no bounds and whose artistry evaporated around the same time his hair did.

We apologize for the error.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Consumer Ignorance Up. WAY Up.

Outreach to Stoner Community Credited With Rash of "Christ's Face In Food" Appearances

Auburn: Sugar Bowl Like Kissing Your Sister, Which We're Used To

PETA Seeks Animal Abuse Charges Against Pet Rock Thrower

Despite Massive Steroid Use, Stamp Collector Sees No Improvement in Hobby

New York Yankee Blames Tiny Penis on Steroids

Ricky William Voted For a Life of Constant Pot Smoking Before He Voted Against It

Ron Artest Leaps Into Space to Battle In-Coming Comet

Can You Hear Me Now? No Shit!

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