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The Daily Probe Interview

This week's guest:

The Big Guy

God, best known creating the Universe, as well as for being the inspiration behind the best selling book The Bible and Mel Gibson's 2004 film The Passion of the Christ, sat down to take some questions from the Daily Probe.

Daily Probe: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule God.

God: No problem. With hockey season on hiatus I actually have a little bit less to do. You would be surprised how much of heaven's man power... angel power... goes into micromanaging sporting events. People forget that most countries have like 4 soccer leagues apiece. Apiece! And basketball is growing world wide every day--

DP: Yes, yes that's fascinating. But we were interested in this trend lately of your showing your face on such mundane items as auto bumpers and fish sticks.

God: Oh, that. It's all part of my North American marketing push. Our research shows that church numbers were slipping radically and on a weekly basis more people went to a McDonald's than a church. Americans don't worship much, but they eat like there's no tomorrow. [Archangel] Michael and I figured if we wanted to reach that demographic, it was best to make my presence known through food.

DP: The Creator of All chose to make his presence known through food?

God: Well credit where credit's due. The groundwork was already laid. [the Virgin Mary, interviewed for an article in our Jan. 14, 2003 issue] has been doing this kind of thing for years. She makes appearances in oil slicks on NASCAR tracks, donkey fur in Mexico, bowls of oatmeal in Guatemala, all with pretty big fan fare. Much better numbers than I pull in, say, a Lutheran or Methodist church. Looked in on one of those congregations lately? There's like six people per sermon.

DP: Which again begs the question, why the mundane? Why not go for the big miracle? Set the sky on fire or something?

God: Well our pollsters show that people these days want a God who is, and I quote, "less in your face" than I have been in the past. The last thing a working mother juggling two children wants when she comes home from work is a God demanding this that or the other, or my going around scaring the children with boiling oceans and the like. And let's not forget PETA and the Sierra Club... sheesh. Last year when I actually did boil the seas and leveled a mountain with some endangered thing or another living there, it was such a PR disaster that I had to turn back time so it never happened. No, our research and experience shows that a simple profile shot in one of the more popular foods, grilled cheese or Pop Tarts is the way to go in the modern era.

DP: Fascinating. Well thanks for stopping by Lord. One quick question: who do you have in the NFL playoffs?

God: Ha, ha. Nice try. What you should ask me is if you should stop having that one thought about your secretary. Because that my friend, is definitely a sin. But again, I don't mean to be too "in your grill" about it. Adios, it's been a pleasure.

(Transcribed by Davejames)

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