The Daily Probe Interview
This week's guest:
The Big Guy
God, best known creating the Universe, as well as for being the
inspiration behind the best selling book
The Bible and Mel Gibson's 2004 film The Passion of the
Christ, sat down to take some questions from the Daily Probe.
Daily Probe: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule God.
God: No problem. With hockey season on hiatus I actually have a little
bit less to do. You would be surprised how much of heaven's man power...
angel power... goes into micromanaging sporting events. People
forget that most countries have like 4 soccer leagues apiece. Apiece!
And basketball is growing world wide every day--
DP: Yes, yes that's fascinating. But we were interested in this trend
lately of your showing your face on such mundane items as auto bumpers
and fish sticks.
God: Oh, that. It's all part of my North American marketing push. Our
research shows that church numbers were slipping radically and on a
weekly basis more people went to a McDonald's than a church. Americans
don't worship much, but they eat like there's no tomorrow. [Archangel]
Michael and I figured if we wanted to reach that demographic, it was
best to make my presence known through food.
DP: The Creator of All chose to make his presence known through food?
God: Well credit where credit's due. The groundwork was already laid.
[the Virgin Mary, interviewed for an article in our Jan. 14, 2003
issue] has been doing this kind of thing for years. She makes
appearances in oil slicks on NASCAR tracks, donkey fur in Mexico, bowls
of oatmeal in Guatemala, all with pretty big fan fare. Much better
numbers than I pull in, say, a Lutheran or Methodist church. Looked in
on one of those congregations lately? There's like six people per sermon.
DP: Which again begs the question, why the mundane? Why not go for the
big miracle? Set the sky on fire or something?
God: Well our pollsters show that people these days want a God who is,
and I quote, "less in your face" than I have been in the past. The last
thing a working mother juggling two children wants when she comes home
from work is a God demanding this that or the other, or my going around
scaring the children with boiling oceans and the like. And let's not
forget PETA and the Sierra Club... sheesh. Last year when I actually
did boil the seas and leveled a mountain with some endangered thing or
another living there, it was such a PR disaster that I had to turn back
time so it never happened. No, our research and experience shows that a
simple profile shot in one of the more popular foods, grilled cheese or
Pop Tarts is the way to go in the modern era.
DP: Fascinating. Well thanks for stopping by Lord. One quick question:
who do you have in the NFL playoffs?
God: Ha, ha. Nice try. What you should ask me is if you should stop
having that one thought about your secretary. Because that my friend,
is definitely a sin. But again, I don't mean to be too "in your grill"
about it. Adios, it's been a pleasure.
(Transcribed by Davejames)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.
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