McQuigly and Moss
It's Time to Weed Out These Wacky Ideas
By Dirk McQuigly
Scientists and medical experts across the nation are calling marijuana a
medication that's as effective as aspirin. Pro-hemp organizations are calling for
the legalization for marijuana. I'm asking Scotty to beam me the hell off of
this planet once and for all.
According to the American Anti-Drug Task Force, a drug can be classified as
any grown or man-made substance that has a chemical affect on the human body
causing a change in mood, sense or motor control. Illegal drugs are those that
have no medical benefit or well-being on the human body. Now some people might
consider the ability to see colors that aren't there and make you believe
you're Lennier from Babylon 5 as a medical benefit, but I don't. Besides, I
don't need drugs to do that. A couple layers of latex, some eye shadow, my fan
fiction script and a nearby sci-fi convention can help me do that.
My beliefs aren't based in the fear that the legalization of weed will cause
widespread chaos and Twinkie shortages nationwide. I'm thinking much farther
into the future. The legalization of weed could cause interplantery wars and
conquests for land like the universe has never seen. Don't believe me? Just
pick up a copy of Frank Hebert's classic Dune and learn a little something
about a highly valued resource called "spice."
The control of the spice mines and planets that produced it caused rebellions
and hostile takeovers that killed millions and kept the universe in a
constant state of fear and destruction. If marijuana were to be made legal overnight,
the repercussions could be staggering. Weed producing countries would need a
wealth of weapons and defenses at their disposal to attack and defend and
we're not the point where we can arm our troops with laser blasters that don't
need to be constantly reloaded yet.
Legalizing weed is just a bad move no matter how you look at it where it's in
the present or a time in a galaxy far, far away.
Smoke If You Gollum
By Anna Moss
Captains Log/Star date: Unknown. We have onboard the ailing miners we
rescued from the Planet Zayden. They might die since we have never seen this kind
of illness before. We are too far from the nearest outpost. No hypo spray gives
any relief, Nanites are helpless. the replicators are not able to replicate
anything that will help ease their great pain. We hear of a blue planet within
our reach. We hear they have some kind of free-growing weed there which, while
not able to heal, can give great relief. We've been traveling slowly for 6 weeks but we finally see the
object of our search: the blue Planet. We can finally give some kind of relief
to our suffering miners. Time to send a communication:
Captain: This is The Federation Rescue Craft Harmony. We have 60 people on
board that are in terrible agony from a mysterious illness. We have heard you
are a kind and caring species. We would like to request a sufficient quantity of
the vegetative cannabis weed to help our 60 ailing passengers.
FDA Spokesperson: No. We won't be able to give you any. It's illegal.
Captain: But our people are suffering.
FDA Spokesman: We can provide you with another weed called "the poppy" which,
when cultivated and put in a pill form and the proper paperwork filled out,
when regulated can give great relief.
Captain: The only relief they can get is from the cannabis. Please.
FDA: No. Go away.
That scenario may or may not be exaggerated here on Earth. There are people
in the USA right now that are suffering and could possibly attain great relief
from the use of medicinal marijuana. To me, there isn't any question
what the right thing to do is. They are our brothers and sisters, aunts and
uncles, parents and friends.
It's not like giving them marijuana would get them addicted like Felicium did
for the Omarians when the Brakkas enslaved them by purposely getting them
addicted to it. And it's nothing like the Ketrucel White that the Dominion used
to make stronger more powerful warrior slaves out of the Gem'Hadar. It would
simply give people in great agony relief without any deleterious effects.
It's an easy call. I don't understand our government totally, even
though I have served on my High School's Mock Congress. Maybe someday I will.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)