The Top 5 List The Daily Probe Ruminations Save Martha Stewart!






CURRENT ISSUE


12/7/04

Front Page

Weekly
Features

Ain't That America?

Ask Zarxnol

Daily Probe Interview

McQuigly & Moss

Moth's Diary

Musing With Mitch

Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things!

Still Life With Joan

Info

Previous Issues
Crap Shop
Who's at Fault?
Contact Us!



Aye, mateys!
Get you some
Daily Probe booty!



McQuigly and Moss

   


It's Time to Weed Out These Wacky Ideas


By Dirk McQuigly

Scientists and medical experts across the nation are calling marijuana a medication that's as effective as aspirin. Pro-hemp organizations are calling for the legalization for marijuana. I'm asking Scotty to beam me the hell off of this planet once and for all.

According to the American Anti-Drug Task Force, a drug can be classified as any grown or man-made substance that has a chemical affect on the human body causing a change in mood, sense or motor control. Illegal drugs are those that have no medical benefit or well-being on the human body. Now some people might consider the ability to see colors that aren't there and make you believe you're Lennier from Babylon 5 as a medical benefit, but I don't. Besides, I don't need drugs to do that. A couple layers of latex, some eye shadow, my fan fiction script and a nearby sci-fi convention can help me do that.

My beliefs aren't based in the fear that the legalization of weed will cause widespread chaos and Twinkie shortages nationwide. I'm thinking much farther into the future. The legalization of weed could cause interplantery wars and conquests for land like the universe has never seen. Don't believe me? Just pick up a copy of Frank Hebert's classic Dune and learn a little something about a highly valued resource called "spice."

The control of the spice mines and planets that produced it caused rebellions and hostile takeovers that killed millions and kept the universe in a constant state of fear and destruction. If marijuana were to be made legal overnight, the repercussions could be staggering. Weed producing countries would need a wealth of weapons and defenses at their disposal to attack and defend and we're not the point where we can arm our troops with laser blasters that don't need to be constantly reloaded yet.

Legalizing weed is just a bad move no matter how you look at it where it's in the present or a time in a galaxy far, far away.





Smoke If You Gollum


By Anna Moss

Captains Log/Star date: Unknown. We have onboard the ailing miners we rescued from the Planet Zayden. They might die since we have never seen this kind of illness before. We are too far from the nearest outpost. No hypo spray gives any relief, Nanites are helpless. the replicators are not able to replicate anything that will help ease their great pain. We hear of a blue planet within our reach. We hear they have some kind of free-growing weed there which, while not able to heal, can give great relief. We've been traveling slowly for 6 weeks but we finally see the object of our search: the blue Planet. We can finally give some kind of relief to our suffering miners. Time to send a communication:

Captain: This is The Federation Rescue Craft Harmony. We have 60 people on board that are in terrible agony from a mysterious illness. We have heard you are a kind and caring species. We would like to request a sufficient quantity of the vegetative cannabis weed to help our 60 ailing passengers.

FDA Spokesperson: No. We won't be able to give you any. It's illegal.

Captain: But our people are suffering.

FDA Spokesman: We can provide you with another weed called "the poppy" which, when cultivated and put in a pill form and the proper paperwork filled out, when regulated can give great relief. Captain: The only relief they can get is from the cannabis. Please.

FDA: No. Go away.


That scenario may or may not be exaggerated here on Earth. There are people in the USA right now that are suffering and could possibly attain great relief from the use of medicinal marijuana. To me, there isn't any question what the right thing to do is. They are our brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, parents and friends.

It's not like giving them marijuana would get them addicted like Felicium did for the Omarians when the Brakkas enslaved them by purposely getting them addicted to it. And it's nothing like the Ketrucel White that the Dominion used to make stronger more powerful warrior slaves out of the Gem'Hadar. It would simply give people in great agony relief without any deleterious effects.

It's an easy call. I don't understand our government totally, even though I have served on my High School's Mock Congress. Maybe someday I will.



(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)




The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved
No use allowed without prior permission.