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I No Longer Give a Shit About the Top 40

A guest Probeatorial by
James Montrose

There once was a time when I followed the music Top 40 pretty regularly. I listened to Kasey Kasem's American Top 40 regularly, and I prided myself on knowing most of the bands and the songs.

But no longer.

Alas, I have somehow passed into that realm in which all of my favorite bands are on the sides of milk cartons. Oh, sure, I did my level best to keep up. I switched from my '70s favorites like Boston and Styx and made the leap to wimpass new-wavers like Elvis Costello and the Cars. I bit my tongue and pretended to like the Cure and Depeche Mode. Hell, I even liked the hair bands like Ratt and Mottley Crüe. And when bands finally started rocking for real again, I threw my loyalty towards Nirvana and Soundgarden.

But somewhere along the line, I lost touch. Sure, I was raising three kids and holding down a job, but still... I feel I've failed rock.

I don't reconize ANY of the names of the Top 40 artists. I've never heard ANY of their songs, except for the ones they've sampled from -- *ahem* -- better artists.

No more Foreigner. No more Skynyrd. Hell, not even any Bon Jovi. Now it's Big S.U.K. and Hippocryt and Lil' Tahneesha or whatever the fuck "musicians" are calling themselves these days. Now it's 50 Pence and Millky Waay, and oooooh, those hard rockers like... like... like....

Get the point? They're all gone.

Well, you'll forgive me if I shed a tear or two for the Top 40. It used to mean something to people. Now it's an affront to anyone who grew up with real musicians like Bruce Springsteen.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess that should be "Broos."

For fuck's sake.

(Transcribed by Tim H. Richweis)

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