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Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

My best friend's 7-year-old daughter is an only child and a spoiled brat. She screams at her parents when she doesn't get her way, always has to be first at everything, is bossy, and cheats at games so she can always win. For whatever strange reason, my children want to play with her, but I place strict limits on the relationship. How can I discourage the friendship?

Bothered in Boise


Am I to understand that you wish to discourage your daughter from having a relationship with one who boldly takes command of every situation and sees it through to a successful end? Should I entertain the notion that you wish for your Li'il Miss Ered to sever ties with one who has yet to let anything -- including the very law itself -- stand between herself and victory? In Xargol's righteous name, Both -- do you not love your daughter and wish for her to succeed?

In all my experiences, never have I encountered a race of creatures as concurrently duplicitous and feckless as humans! All your successful leaders throughout all your recorded history have been hat-wearing meat-sacks of irrepressible ambition. All the worker/drone humans claim to wish their children to be glowing successes, yet the primary interpersonal directive drummed into the malleable minds of proletarian progenic issue: Play nice.

Dullards! Have you no sense for human history? For as long as your puny minds have had the ability to record such actions, historians have written and bards have sung of the daring deeds of your leaders. Were you to truly listen to the stories and songs, Both, you would ascertain that at no point has any human ever acquired and successfully wielded overawing power without casting off their contemporary social niceties and moral directives, leaving such mannerly tripe battered and bloody in the leader's emulous wake!

Does it take an alien conqueror-in-waiting to grind your impudent noses into the steaming dung heap that is your chronicle? Regardless of endeavor, be it political, military, commercial, religious, or even your popular culture*, no human of historic consequence has ever ascended to their throne by playing by the rules! This friend's daughter has the makings of a leader, and you wish to deny your own child the ability to bond early to her future greatness?

You, Bothered, are a most wretch-inducingly unworthy parent! You dare cut off your daughter's sole chance at vicarious triumph merely because you cannot bear the whinings and stompings of a child? Appalling! For the sake of your daughter, I shall pinpoint this Boise and designate it for early enslavement by my Armies From The Sea. The little Ered need not behold the childhood friend you would deny her consummate the glorious conquest that is her apparent destiny!

I am utterly repulsed! Be gone, Feculence!


[*Well, OK... maybe Tom Hanks. But seriously, for now, fuck Tom Hanks! - CK]

Dear Zarxnol,

The other evening, while playing a racing game, my 5-year-old began getting upset because he was not winning, so I shut off the game. At that point, he went absolutely ballistic, screaming that he hated me, so I took his television privilege away. He became even more distraught and disrespectful, so I moved his bedtime up an hour. This didn't work either, so I finally sent him to his room for the rest of the evening. Was I on the right track here?

Puzzled in Pittsburgh


Indeed you are on the right track -- now accelerate to match traffic!

Until that knee-high ingrate exhibits the appropriate deferential behavior, you must continue to eliminate privileges: food, clothing, the use of plumbing, etc. Once that coddled, cretinous meter-high mucus factory has tasted the bile that is true adversity, he shall properly recognize the documented disrespectful outburst as trifling folly!


Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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