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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Ozzy Osbourne

Dear Ozzy,

In a few weeks, I'm throwing a dinner party for my in-laws, who have always found me to be a bit of a hick. I can't help it if I'm not as sophisticated as them! At any rate, since the dinner is all mine, I want to make sure that dinner is perfect. I plan on serving veal. Now, I know you serve red wine with red meat, and white with lighter meats, but where does veal fit in? I don't want to look like I'm so crazy that I Bark At The Moon :-) Can you help?

Desperate To Please

Dear DTF. I mean DFP. I mean... fuck it, you know who you are.

Look mate, it's like this. You married the bloke, right? Who gives a rat's ass what bollocks wine you serve. At the end of the day, you're still the bird riding his wire, right? But if it means that much to you, I'll tell you this. One time I went to some fancy bollocks stupid party at Vince Neil's place in Malibu. I think it was Malibu, and I think it was Vince, but I was fucking trashed. So anyways, Vince serves this veal thing his chippy cooked up, and serves us the wrong sodding wine. I can't remember if it was red or white, but I wanted to bust 'is nut, right? So I says "Hey, Axl, or whatever the fuck your name is, this is the wrong goddamn wine to serve with veal." So 'e ups and say "Well drink this, you old fart" and pisses in my wine glass! Joke was on 'im though, 'cause I just drank it anyway. Last time that tosser tried to get the best of me.

By the way, what does that Bark At The Moon comment supposed to mean? Is it a private joke or something?


Dear Ozzy,

My girlfriend is a die-hard Marilyn Manson fan, and she's always on my case for loving the Oz. I love her, but how can I tell her that it bothers me without making it a huge issue?

Ozzfest Rulz

Dear Wanker,

Who gives a shit? Really, mate, if she likes that little girl, let 'er! I got a similar letter, like, 40 years ago or something, from a bloke who loved Alice Cooper and was pissed 'cause 'is bird liked me better. We're all just full of shit, mate. You know what that tosser Manson does in 'is spare time? Needlepoint, or some shite. I know it involves needles anyway. If she gets on you too much, jus' bang her sodding sister and get it over with. By the way, in answer to your question, serve white wine. Or was that you? I don't fucking know. Why am I doing this? Are these Yank bastards even paying me? Bollocks to this, I'm off. If one more sodding American asshole asks me what wine goes wit' bat I'm gonna piss in 'is sodding face. Or did I do that already?


(Translated from Oz to English by Greg Preece)

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