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December 10, 2001

Citizens "Really Really Alert" After Latest Warnings

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - US Citizens are at an all-time high for Damn Sure Alertness against any potential further terrorist attacks, according to a recent poll. The poll, authorized by the US State Department, indicated that 58% of Americans were "Straight Up Alert," while another 27% were "Darn Tootin' Watching My Own." Enid, Oklahoma resident Charles Rebell, 45, sat alertly on the porch of his mobile home yesterday, a tire iron nearby "Just in case." Provo, Utah homemaker Udell Baxter, 34, was keeping her soaps at a little lower volume than usual just to keep alert for anything out of the ordinary. "You just can't be too alert nowadays," said Baxter during a commercial break.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Daily Probe Sweeps First Annual "Probies"

HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - The Daily Probe, America's number one source for Osama bin Laden jokes and witty repartee, swept the first annual "Probie" Awards Saturday night. Taking all nineteen awards at the gala star-studded event, The Daily Probe buried its competition, including Barney's Goofy Webring and Probe writer Greg Preece of Watchahoovie, Canada said, "It was a magical, magical night, and a tribute to starving, cold and largely socially inept internet humor writers everywhere."

(Reported by Jimmy Olson)

Bush Reiterates Desire to Get bin Laden, Super Soaker

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In a nationally televised address this morning, President George W. Bush reiterated his desire to get both terrorist suspect Osama bin Laden and the new Super Soaker XP270. "We will not let this war go unfinished," Bush warned. "With our high-tech weaponry, bin Laden will not be able to hide forever -- and speaking of high-tech weaponry, you know that Super Soaker XP270? Well, FAO Schwartz has them on sale. I was going to buy myself one, but then I figured I ought to wait, what with Christmas coming up and all." The President added, "That Super Soaker XP270 is at the top of my personal 'Most Wanted' list, if you catch my drift."

(Reported by Matthew Baldwin)

Ashcroft Lauds Heroic Tattle-Tell

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Attorney General John Ashcroft today recommended Freddie Banks Jr., age 10, for a 'Homeland Hero Award' for telling on his best friend Ibrahim Abdulah, age 9. "Freddie saw future-terrorist Abdulah trying to put back a baked-good from a dessert tray which he had already touched," said Ashcroft, "and we all realize that kind of action is a big no-no." Ibrahim will be detained indefinitely by the cafeteria staff until they are comfortable with the fourth grader's intentions. Ashcroft added, "The world is a safer place to eat today." Later he admitted that the 'Homeland Hero Award' was a complete fabrication.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Taliban Agrees to Hand Over the Remote

Ashcroft on New Anti-Terror Measures: "Don't Worry Your Pretty Little Heads About It"

Space Shuttle Astronaut Caught With Box Cutter

Strom Thurmond Celebrates Birthday; Blows Out All 99 Crosses on Cake

Gun Denies Involvement in Indiana Slayings

"George is Dead" Rumor Lifts Sales of Beatles CDs

SUV Driver Angered, Inconvenienced by Speeding Ambulance

Ashcroft Subpoenas North Pole Naughty/Nice Database

Punk Rock "Widely Misunderstood," Says Bloody, Vomiting Skinhead

More headlines

Daily Probe Thaws Alaric the Visigoth for War On Terrorism Team

Segway: A Daily Probe Exclusive
First Look at "Ginger"

Study Shows Broads Hate Being Called Chicks

Ford Issues Recall of Detroit Lions

DETROIT, MI (DPI) - Following Sunday's loss to Tampa Bay, Ford today announced a recall of the Detroit Lions. The Lions will be replaced at no expense to fans with the winner of the Motor City Bowl featuring the universities of Toledo and Cincinnati, with the replacement lasting until repairs are made to easily-broken quarterbacks and a missing defensive secondary is located. Other potential Lions problems include a tendency to shift suddenly into reverse when approaching a goal line and shoulder pads incapable of passing NHTSA 5 MPH crash tests. Ford chairman William Clay Ford, Jr. blamed Nike for the team's quality problems.

(Reported by John Mozena, Jim Rosenberg)

Number 1 at the Box Office This Week:

Comedy Writers Hold Collective Breath as Dick Armey Mulls Retirement

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Congressman Dick Armey, R-Texas, is contemplating retiring at the end of his current term, a move that has comedy writers nationwide aghast. Bruce Vilanch said, "Come on -- DICK ARMEY. You can't go wrong with a setup like that!" "This is like Babe Ruth retiring," said Gerard Mulligan. "If Condoleezza Rice retires, we're hosed."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Study Links CD Alphabetizing to Caffeine Intake

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Scientists at the National Institutes of Health today released findings of a study which links high caffeine intake to the alphabetizing of entire CD collections. "Although anecdotal," said study director John Valdez, "there was a strong correlation. This one guy, he like has about four cups of strong-ass coffee and next thing you know the dude has all his CDs spread out and separated into groups -- like 'thrash,' 'rave,' 'hip-hop' and he's alphabetizing them. Freaky." Valdez plans to pursue funds to continue his work, extending its reach to study caffeine's impact on closet organization.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

  World News
¤ Muslim Leaders Ask U.S. to Suspend Bombing During DVD Release of Disney's Aladdin
¤ Skull of 75,000 Year Old Homo Sapien Found; Hey, Whatever He Did Behind Closed Doors Was His Business
¤ Sony Uncovers New Fermat Theorems in Time for Holidays
¤ Post-Death Harrison Back to Shining Lennon's Shoes Again

  Domestic News
¤ Coalition of Ethnic Groups Speaks Out Against Stereotyping, Except Towards Arabs
¤ Peter Jennings Giggles Like a Schoolgirl After 20th Utterance of "Stufflebeem"
¤ Gideons, Mormons Clash Over Contents of Olympic Village Nightstand Drawers
¤ Senate Dead Pool Retires Strom Thurmond's Jersey
¤ FAA to Require Armored Cockpit Door on Santa's Sleigh
¤ "Admiral Stufflebeem" Replaces "Mr. Johnson" as Most Popular Penis Euphemism
¤ Sarah Jane Olson Changes Plea to "What Did I Plead Yesterday?"
¤ National Limestone Housing Association Objects to Use of "Cave"

  Local News
¤ Action News Helicopter Covers High Speed Chase of Action News Van
¤ Angry Proctologist Rips Patient a New One
¤ Goth Chick Celebrates Gothness With Good, Hard Gothing
¤ Opinion: I Prefer the Red Ones, Thank You Very Much
¤ Office Wierdo Fantasizes About Taking You to Lord Of The Rings, Scoring
¤ Gay Farmer in the Dell Gettin' a Dude
¤ Local Weather Forecast: Fog, Little Cat Feet, Silent Haunches

¤ New bin Laden Video Premieres on MTV's "TRL"
¤ Billy Joel Pleads Innocent to Arson Charge
¤ Kid 'n Play Placed Under House Party Arrest

¤ Apple Unveils New iPud; Holds Over 1000 Porn JPEGs
¤ Next Week on Battlebots: TitaniumCrusher vs. Al Gore

¤ Taliban Threatens to Boycott Winter Olympics
¤ Halftime Score: Monkees 4, Beatles 2

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or whenever we damn well feel like it.

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