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December 10, 2002

New Poll Shows U.S. Apathy Toward Useless Fucking Foreigners on the Rise

NEW YORK (DPI) - A new poll shows that Americans are not overly concerned about a recent poll of non-Americans that showed that world opinion of the U.S is falling among snooty Euro-trash ingrates and barefooted baby-popping primitives. The initial poll included people whose asses we either bailed out or kicked in the last couple of world wars, as well as denizens of sweaty third-world hell holes that lack the resources and technology to produce a dependable bottle opener. The follow-up poll of average Americans found 98% either "don't give a shit" or "favor using military force to take whatever foreigners have that we might want."

(Reported by Joseph Moore, Tristan Fabriani)

5-Year-Old Dies in Kindergarten Hazing Accident

PICO RIVERA, Calif. (DPI) - A 5-year old student at Orange Grove Elementary School died today of what doctors describe as a "massive ingestion of paste" in the latest kindergarten hazing scandal to grip this nondescript suburb. "Kids this age think they're indestructible," said teacher Samantha Diaz. "They think they can pound down pint after pint of paste, then just head out to the play structure and swings. It's so sad they have to learn the hard way." School officials imposed a mandatory 15-minute time-out for all students involved and permanently revoked their scissor privileges.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Phillies Sign "Night Stalker" Killer to 6-Year Contract

PHILADELPHIA (DPI) - In a surprise turn of events, the spending-mad Philadelphia Phillies agreed to terms for a six-year, $45-million contract to imprisoned serial killer Richard Ramirez. Phillies manager Larry Bowa was nonplussed: "Hey, we got an awful lot of Ramirezes and Hernandezes and Gonzalezes in the majors these days. You got your Luis Gonzales, your Roberto Hernandez and next thing you know -- blammo, you got your Richard Ramirez. Who knew?" Ramirez, known as the "Night Stalker" after killing at least 13 people in Los Angeles in the mid-'80s, is currently incarcerated at San Quentin Prison. He was upbeat about the signing: "I'm just happy to be here and hope I can help the ball club," said Ramirez. "I just want to give it my best shot and, good Lord willing, things'll work out."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Jazz Musician Endures Public Humilation of Non-Addiction to Heroin

NEW YORK CITY (DPI) - Tenor saxophonist Max Walters has finally reached bottom, admitting that he is tired of concealing his drug abstinence from his bandmates. "In the jazz world, heroin addiction is crucial," said Walters. "I don't know how much longer I can keep hiding this thing before the guys find out." In order to maintain his image, Walters has lost 24 pounds through dieting in order to give the impression that his he is wasting away. He also goes without sleep several days before gigs to give his complexion that gaunt junkie palor, and he recently broke into his aunt's house and stole her jewelry and silver.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Study: Cash in Your United Airlines Frequent Flyer Miles Right Fucking Now

Saudis Pledge to Do Better Job Hiding Their Support for Terrorism

New Economic Indicators Show That Jobless Sector... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z

Disney Announces New "Diarrhea Weight Loss" Cruises

Breadmaking Duties Cause Amish to Scrap Plans for World Domination

Hollywood Taps William Goldman to Pen Affleck/J.Lo Pre-Nup

Mountain Biker Infertility Report Puts Plans for "Mountain Biker Master Race" on Hold

Appearance on Menu Shows Limitations of Free-Range Chicken's Freedom

More headlines

Mensa Adds Huge Cocks, Enormous Tits to Membership Requirements

Chicken Soup Enema for the Kinky Soul
Among New Titles in Chicken Soup Series

Carpool Lanes Opened to Multiple-Personality Patients

LOS ANGELES (DPI) -- California's freeways should flow more easily thanks to a new law opening car-pool lanes based on the number of personalities traveling in an automobile rather than the number of passengers. The new rule, also called "Sybill's Law," will be strictly enforced, according to highway patrol spokesperson Joe Davis. "This is to help keep those with true multiple-personality disorder out of the maddening stop-and-go traffic, but it doesn't apply to people who just have some moody hormonal imbalance, which accounts for most of you whackos." The law is not clear about cars with more than one passenger but one or fewer personalities, so limos transporting fashion models should drive with caution.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Purchase of Wireless Digital Toaster Fails to Impress Co-Workers

TOLEDO, Ohio (DPI) - Roger Zindoff's recent purchase of a wireless digital toaster did not capture the admiration of his co- workers as Zindoff had hoped it would. The 32-year-old systems analyst had envisioned an office full of awestruck people complimenting him on his acquisition, but it turned out that most were decidedly unimpressed. "It's useless," said tech support rep Andrea Wilmar. "What are you going to do, make CD-quality toast at the beach?" Though disappointed, Zindoff doesn't regret the purchase. "I still think it's pretty cool," he said. "Everything's going to be wireless and digital sooner or later anyway."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Behind-the-Scenes Dude Insists Credit Be Given to Behind-the-Scenes Dudes
Local News: Veteran Old Broad Fired; Hot Chick With Big Rack Hired
New Rob Schneider Movie "Hilarious," Cites No One, Ever
Bombay McDonald's Explosion Blamed on New "Mayor McSuicide Bomber" Character
Microsoft Introduces New Rap Lyric Grammar Checker
Feds Investigate Fix as Teacher's Pets Take 3 of 4 Cakewalks at Preschool Party
New Shopping Channel Viewer Fucking Giddy Over Ability to Buy Useless Shit
Robin Williams' USO Shows Irritating Troops to Fighting Levels

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