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December 17, 2001

OSHA Uncovers North Pole Sweatshop

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Investigators from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) announced that two arrests have been made in connection with reported sweatshop conditions at a North Pole manufacturing operation. OSHA claims to have discovered "inhuman" working hours and squalid living conditions (such as sleeping quarters shared with pack animals) for the factory's 200 employees. In 1972, the owners of the same business pled guilty to charges of animal cruelty after a caribou was found wandering a few miles from the factory with a red electric bulb crudely stapled to the front of its face and had to be destroyed by animal control officers.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Bush to World: "You Wanna Piece of Me?"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Flexing his muscle after a swift victory in Afghanistan and record approval ratings at home, President George W. Bush ripped up the Anitballistic Missile Treaty and wiped it on his ass yesterday. Analysts agree this marks a distinct shift in Bush's foreign policy approach. Prior to September 11, Bush had merely ignored the rest of the world, but now no one wants to challenge him for fear that he might decide to look for stray Al Qaeda members in Moscow or London or try to solve U.S. energy needs by burning Africa for fuel." Some countries have even sent delegations of young virgins to Bush, in hopes of supplicating his blood-thirsty desires." Bush Press Secretary Ari Fleischer added, "Who's bad?"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


"Britney Speared" Tops List of Most Popular Porn Names

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - The American Pornographers Society released their list of the 10 Most Popular Porn Names of 2001, with "Britney Speared" taking the top spot. In second place was "Christina Aguiwhora," followed by "Jennifer Blowpez" in third. Rounding out the list were "Winona Ride-Her," "Ben Ahfuck," "Ashley Jugg," "Justin Timberpants," "Huge Jackman," "Jennifer Love Todoit,"and "Elijah Wood." "Elton's Johnson" was the most common Gay Porn name, and "Sarah Michelle Feller" and "Pee Daddy" took top honors in the Transvestite Names and Water Sports categories, respectively. Last but not least, "Destiny Piles" and "Kirsten Dumps" tied for the most popular Scat Porn name.

(Reported by Greg Preece, Tristan Fabriani)

Barbie Dumps Ken Over "Cheap Plastic" Xmas Gifts

Popular doll Barbie has left long-time beau Ken after more than two decades together. Despite outward appearances, it seems that all was not rosey in Malibu, with a recent Christmas gift exchange being the breaking point. "He's got horrible taste when it comes to giving gifts," said the buxom 40 year old. "Plastic shoes, plastic jewelry -- a plastic car, for chrissakes!" The accused didn't let his lack of testicles stop him from firing back: "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Pink toilet, pink kitchen... she even had the corvette painted pink -- it was red when I bought it for her. Everything the woman owns is pink! Well, *almost* everything."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani, Joseph Moore)

Last Guy in That Gap Ad Unmasked

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - The Daily Probe has uncovered the "unknown last guy with the hair" in the popular Gap television ads -- reggae/rap musician Shaggy, who was reputedly more popular this year than any other active recording artist. Born Orville Richard Burrell, Shaggy is best unknown for having the top-selling album of new material in 2001, Hotshot. "C'mon, people. I outsold the Backstreet Boys, *N Sync, Destiny's Child, Nelly, Creed, Alicia Keys, Janet Jackson, you name it," Shaggy remarked. "The least you could do is recognize me before saying 'Ooh, there's Robbie Robertson!' Who the hell is Robbie Robertson??"

(Reported by John Mozena, Daily Probe staff)

Strom Thurmond's Inner Child, 77, Dies of Natural Causes

U.S. Assesses Taliban $5.00 Rewind Fee for bin Laden Video

PETA Demands Death Penalty for 6th-Grader in Slug Salting Case

Firestone Recalls 26 Million Ginger Tires

FBI Detains Britney Spears for Questioning, Spanking

Winona Ryder Has Dignity Interrupted

Epidemic: Fathers Everywhere Hiding Gap Singer Ignorance From Teenaged Sons

PLO Demands Jews Dismantle Settlements on Manhattan's Upper East Side

Quick! Hot Chicks Shooting Pool On ESPN2!

More headlines

The Probe Picks This Year's Hottest Gifts

Scientologists Refuse to Hand Over Travolta

HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Despite the demands of President George Bush following the cable television release of the potent terror attack known as Battlefield Earth, the "Church" Scientology denied America's request to turn over John Travolta. Spokesman Zachary Zacks said, "Mr. Travolta is present within our compound but we don't know his specific location." Later, Zacks said, "Wait, we do know his location but we aren't telling you." Still later, Zacks added, "We don't know his location again. And I can lie without blinking because I'm clear." President Bush warned "The producers of crappy movies will face our might, as will the psuedo-religions who harbor these makers of crappy movies. Crap-doers everywhere must be brought to justice."

(Reported by... er, John Smith)


AFI to Premiere New List on CBS Special, "100 Years, 100 Money Shots"

TELEVISION CITY - CBS announced that in addition to their Spring lineup of "Everybody Loves Raymond," "Survivor IV" (set in an Al-Jazeera owned underground cave) and old episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond," the network will premiere yet another of their long lineup of AFI movie list special. This time, "100 Years, 100 Money Shots" will rank the top 100 pornographic films of all. CBS President Les Moonves defended the controversial choice: "We feel that pornographic films, while morally Reprehensible, are still a form of cinematic art that shapes our culture and society in many ways. And the ratings! Hoo-boy, let's not forget the ratings."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

American Taliban Fighter Walker: "I Thought This Was the SCA"

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - John Walker, the American discovered fighting with Taliban forces last week, is now claiming that he thought he had joined the Society for Creative Anachronism, whose members perform re-creations of historical events. "Honestly, I thought we were just doing a Middle Eastern medieval re-creation or something," Walker said. "I was talking with Sunshine Garcia about an upcoming Renaissance Fair up in Monterey and she was telling me about this totally backward group of people she came across in Mill Valley that was so completely into 'archaic lifestyles,' so I thought I would check it out." John Ashcroft was unconvinced, responding, "Tell it to the chair, Dead Man Walking."

(Reported by Kevin Wickart, Ross Brown)

  World News
¤ Al-Qaeda Announces Hiring Freeze, Scales Back 4th Quarter Sales Estimates
¤ Bin Laden to Bush: I AM YOUR FATHER!
¤ Arab World Observes Hannukah by Getting Even More Pissed Off at Israel

  Domestic News
¤ Ashcroft Seeks Broad Powers to Uncover Secret Santas
¤ Greenspan on Rate Cut: "Do I Have to Blow You People to Get You to Spend Some Friggin' Money?!?"
¤ America: We're Sorry Brian Piccolo's Dead. Now, Enough Already!
¤ Gambino Family Whacks 1000th Snitch; Celebrated With Cake, Champagne
¤ Study: Everyone's Staring at You Because They All Know
¤ Inconsiderate Co-Worker Unleashes "Daisy Cutter" Dump In Middle Stall

  Local News
¤ Office Partygoers Tire Out After Six Maids A-Milking
¤ Woman Stocking Up Now For 20-lb New Year's Resolution Loss
¤ Deli Dude Gettin' a Dill
¤ Man Hospitalized After Using All AOL Free 1000 Hours in 45 Days
¤ Office Typo Results in Bizarre "Secret Satan" Gift Swapping

¤ Harrison's Widow: George's Only Regret Was Seeing Corky Romano
¤ Tolkien Masterwork Celebrated With Fast Food Trinkets
¤ Pol: Getting Dumped by Tom Green Most Depressing Life Experience Imaginable
¤ MPAA Assigns Joe Somebody Controversial PG-SUCKS Rating
¤ Sting Just Phoning In Roxanne Nowadays
¤ "Zoom Zoom" Kid Deposes Pepsi Kid as Creepiest Kid On TV
¤ Nationality of Cable Channel 67 Baffles Experts

¤ Plans for Ex-Cowboy Nate Newton's Holiday Party Scuttled Yet Again
¤ Back in Japan, Ichiro Suzuki Getting *So* Laid
¤ Truth About O'Leary Revealed By Meddling Kids, Dog
¤ Northern Alliance Tops BCS College Football Poll

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