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FRANK HASKINS   Frank Haskins

With 0% Financing and a Surplus of
New 2003 Models, There's Never Been
a Better Time to Fuck Frank Haskins

Between ultra-low interest rates and the economy going into the shitter, now is the time for the Average Joe to get a great deal on a new car. But when you're Frank Haskins, even a buyer's market turns into a royal fuckjob.

With 0-percent financing available, I figured I could finally realize my life's dream of owning a new car. But the TV commercials bury the "for qualified buyers only" bit in the fine print. Thanks to my soon-to-be-ex-wife and her 17 goddamn charge cards, the dealer informed me that my official credit rating came back as, please forgive the technical jargon here, "ass bitch." So, instead of zero money down, zero-percent interest, and zero payments for 12 months, I got one enormous ass-fucking. And I'm not talking about a little dinner-and-a-movie-first-I-promise-I'll-be-gentle ass-fucking, I'm talking about an adult-novelty-store-flagship-dildo-display-model-up-the-hole-sized screwjob here.

Not only couldn't I get a new car, but the best interest rate I could get with my "high risk" credit rating was 17 percent variable. So instead of getting a new Ford Explorer, I had to settle for trading in the '85 Impala for an '84 Yugo. Plus, I couldn't get any money on my trade-in and I had to pay the cocksuckers $75 to tow my old turd-with-wheels to the dealership. Then when I tried to whittle down the sticker price on the "new" car, they counter-offered with throwing in a rustproofing package for only another 500 bucks above sticker. Given that my "new" car has 140,000 miles on it, I suspect that I may have gotten my dirt road paved on that one, if you know what I mean.

Figured I'd recuperate from the damage at my favorite watering hole with a few Boilermakers. But before I even got the chance to throw one back, the goddamn owner of the place booted me because my "Euro-trash Edsel" was leaking oil all over his parking lot.

As I sat in the cab of the truck that was towing me home, I reflected upon those inspirational words, "When the going gets tough, the tough fuck Frank Haskins."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

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