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Advice from Strangers

This Week's Guest:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Dear Rudolph,

I have a problem. The guys at school are always picking on me because I'm very uncoordinated at sports. Heck, I can hardly walk without tripping over my own feet. I'm like you in that I feel different and left out. Can you give me any advice?

Clumsy in Columbus

Dear Clumsyass,

My God, man, are you a girl or what? Ever hear of practice? Try it, you might actually stop throwing like a girl. And you are NOTHING like me dude. I can fly. Ever try that, girlie boy? Get your own life, pal.


Dear Rudolph,

How is Santa as a boss to work for? My own boss sucks. I don't know if I can handle this job anymore, but what can I do?

Hardworking In Haverford

Dear Wussy,

Yeah, I work hard, and yes, Santa is a bitch of a boss, but I don't whine or cry about it, ya little baby. How do you think I got this red nose? Some kind of magic fairy? Hell no -- I drink. I drink heavily. I drink anytime Santa isn't looking. I live to drink. My nose just looks like it glows because it's so damned red from this fucking roseacea caused by all my drinking. So really, I couldn't care less about your problems. I'm out of Scotch now, so leave me alone.


(Transcribed by Jeff Rabinowitz)

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