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December 17, 2003

Saddam Emerges From Hole, Sees Shadow; Six More Months of War

TIKRIT, Iraq (DPI) - Saddam Hussein came out of his hole this weekend and saw his shadow, guaranteeing six more months of Iraqi resistance. The traditional Ground-Hussein Day was celebrated throughout Iraq with festive explosions and looting. According to Tikrit's town fathers, when Hussein emerged from his long winter slumber, he saw his shadow cast by the bright oil pipeline fires on the horizon, promising continued Iraqi insurgency. President Bush responded to Hussein's threats, saying, "Bring 'em on, bang a gong, bring 'em on." Videos of Hussein's appearance are available from Halliburton for a small 600-percent mark-up.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

White House Vows to Find Iraqi Barber of Mass Destruction

Parallel-Universe U.S. Slams Saddam's Capture

THE OTHER WASHINGTON (DPI) - The parallel-universe White House has condemned the capture of Saddam Hussein in a scathing response carried across temporal lines by its cable news giant, UPN. "A greater injustice I cannot fathom," said President Franken, flanked by Secretary of State Michael Moore and the Oscar-winning cast of Gigli, from the other White House press room. "Hussein is revered here for his humanitarian work, tireless devotion to world peace and role as host of an award-winning children's TV show. Oh yeah, and he's also Jewish, not that it should matter." Franken concluded by conceding the parallel-U.S. view was not universally held. "Over here, France is pretty happy about you guys getting Saddam, but I won't dignify that with a comment. Don't get me started on the French."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Al-Jazeera Postpones A Very Saddam Christmas

DOHA, Qatar (DPI) - Executives at al-Jazeera, the Arab TV network, announced today they would indefinitely postpone the planned TV special A Very Saddam Christmas. "The timing just didn't seem right to air this program as scheduled," al-Jazeera spokesman Jihad Ballout said in a press release. "We're not sure whether we'll show it or just throw it in the can." Ballout said that The Towering Inferno would air in that time slot instead.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Really, Really Grumpy Old Men Sequel Greenlighted

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Saddam Hussein's capture was met with cries of jubilation here, although the firing of automatic weapons into the air was limited to the Heston estate. Executives at Warner Bros. announced they have reached a deal with the State Department to cast the former dictator in a key role in the revival of the Grumpy Old Men franchise. Based on a long-shelved script by Mark Steven Johnson, Really, Really Grumpy Old Men will see Saddam and former President George H.W. Bush sharing an apartment in a run- down retirement home, splitting their time between competing for the affections of the sexy nurse who hands out the pills and one-upping each other for military dominance in the Mesopotamian triangle. Shooting will start as soon as the real shooting stops.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Lunch Ladies to Split Saddam Bounty

HOLDINGFORD, Minn. (DPI) - In a bizarre coincidence that has statisticians confounded, the same group of 15 Minnesota lunch ladies who split a $95-million Powerball jackpot in October also will split the $25-million bounty for the capture of Saddam Hussein. "The odds were so high, we thought, 'what the hell, let's take a wild guess on where he's hiding,'" said Karen Overman, who, despite taking home $2.1 million after taxes from Powerball, still serves up lunch daily at Holdingford High School. "I guess we're just lucky." The lunch ladies plan to keep working in this small Minnesota town of 750 people, but, said Overman, "We already have our sights on next year's Kentucky Derby."

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

President Psych!s Pennsylvania

PITTSBURGH (DPI) - Steel-manufacturing states all had a great laugh last week when President Bush repealed the tariffs he had placed on foreign steel, revealing the states had all been part of a new hidden-camera show called Psych! Originally set to be lifted in 2005, the White House backed away from that date in a statement that read simply, "Pennsylvania... Look into the camera -- you've been Psyched!" For its part, The United Steelworkers of America found the prank to be uproarious. "We should have known we were being Psyched," said one steel worker between tears of laughter. "A self-proclaimed free trade Republican instituting tariffs -- oh, that was a good one." For its part, the administration won't reveal whether it will participate in any further episodes, but one staffer, speaking on background, said, "Let's just say Iraqi weapons of mass destruction may turn out to be not so massive and not so destructive."

(Reported by Davejames)

Supreme Court Overturns Gore's Endorsement of Dean

Misread Medical Chart Results in Removal of Powell's Colon

Halliburton Gets Contract to Inspect Voting Machines for '04 Election

Family Admits Strom Thurmond Fathered Snoop Dogg, Nelly

Moseley Braun Holds Slight Lead in Tight, Unofficial Moseley Braun Household Vote

Ann Coulter Names Johnny Depp "Sexiest Traitor Alive"

Health Officials Predict Epidemic of Middle-Aged Women in Goofy-Ass Holiday Sweaters

Study: Kwanzaa Passes Hanukkah on General Bafflement Index

Santa's Elves Busy Sanding "Made in China" Off Tons of Shit

Saddam is a Big Whiny Pussy

Radio, Rudy Form Lunkhead Consulting Firm

"Little Person" Unemployment Falls Below 1 Percent

Doubts Surround Tequila-Nog Breakthrough

Fisher-Price Markets "Empty Box" Toy for Infants

Expert: Nostradamus Predicted Don McLean's American Pie

SEDONA, Ariz. (DPI) - In a letter to the editor of the Sedona Daily Convergence, crystal shop owner Alan "Windwalker" Ulick claimed French seer Michel Nostradamus predicted '70s folk singer Don McLean's song American Pie. Ulick, known locally for the eerie accuracy of some of his many vague predictions, asserted that this passage predicts McLean's baffling ditty: "They shall long for ethnic pastry, yet find none/and, from their chariots, see dryness fill the canals./Good men, insane with spirits, shall sing of their pending deaths/marking this as the day the instruments met their doom." Ulick also picked the Marlins in six.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Bobby Brown Charged With Battery

Thousands Rush to See Cloud That Looks Like Jesus, Pirate Ship

TAMPA, Fla. (DPI) - Thousands of religious believers flocked to a local park to marvel over a cloud that vaguely resembled the figure of Jesus Christ. The faithful wept at the sight of the cloud, which formed the approximate image of Christ when viewed from a certain angle. As the breeze carried the cloud, the pious squinted to continue seeing the likeness, but many acknowledged the cloud now looked more like a pirate ship. Many of the faithful left, and were replaced by a crowd of devoted pirate admirers. Tom Johnson, a Christian fan of Pirates of the Caribbean, remained, explaining, "Jesus or a pirate ship. Works both ways for me!"

(Reported by Simon Paul)

Wife Fed Up With Husband's Macho Posturing

CINCINNATI (DPI) - After four weeks of hacking, snorting, spitting and whining, Allen Lindsey's wife has put her foot down. "Enough of this 'I don't get sick' bullshit," said Mrs. Lindsey. "I can't sleep with your freakin' coughing shaking the bed. Ok, yes, I get it. You're a big manly-man. Now suck it up and call your internist, for Chrissakes, so I can get some fucking sleep! And would it kill you to give up the cigarettes?" In response, her husband sought to choke his spleen back into position after another hacking fit. "It's just a coldHOOOOCCHHH-PTOEY," he said.

(Reported by Allen Lindsey)

Santa Creates New "What the Fuck?" List

NORTH POLE - (DPI) For more than a millennium, there have been just two lists: "Naughty" and "Nice." Now, Santa has added a third. The 2003 Christmas season will mark the debut of the "What The Fuck?" list. It will consist of just one name. "Without too much trouble, I can put 99.9999999999 percent of the people on this planet onto either "Naughty" or "Nice," said the jolly old elf from his northern headquarters. "Then along comes Michael Jackson. He's turned out to be a real beard-scratcher." Claus admitted even he is confused by the voracious and conflicting media coverage surrounding the pop star. "I know when he's been sleeping. I know when he's awake," said Claus. "But did he bugger little boys? I don't know, for goodness sake." Almost as perplexing was coming up with an appropriate gift. With the help of several elf focus groups, he has finally decided Michael is getting a Best Artist Grammy made out of coal.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Jewish Season of Bemusement/Annoyance Begins

Democratic Party Asks Santa for New Testicles

Rudolph, Nose Aglow, Enters Detox for a Record 3,028th Time

Greenspan: Just Buy More Shit, You Ingrate Peons!

Guidance Counselor Advises Robot Boy to Consider Future in Manufacturing

Canada: "Yes, But It's A DRY Nut-Numbing Cold!"

Co-Worker's "Staying in Paris Hilton" Joke Siege Enters 4th Day

Entire Town Turns Out to Help Search for Missing Remote Control

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