CURRENT ISSUE 12/17/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch To-Do List: Saddam Hussein Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!

Saddam is a Big Whiny Pussy A guest Probeatorial by By Todd "Assmaster" Halmont What a fuckin' whiner! "Ooh, I'm Saddam Hussein! I'm, like, the president of Iran or Irate or whateverthefuck and I'm stuck in this little hole under my house." Freakin' pansy. Saddam should try hanging for a week in the shithole dorm room I have to share with Weenie and Scab-butt. You think a hole is bad? Try sleeping in this fuckin' closet with beds when Scab-butt has been on another tequila bender and thought scarfing down a sack of "White Asshole" burgers at 4 a.m. was a good idea. Talk about biological warfare! It stinks like someone took a shit down the radiator in here. Oh, and Saddam had, like, $175,000 in cash, a gun and a car. He's a fuckin' lottery winner, man! Me and Weenie have been living on Ramen noodles and Milwaukee's Beast for, like, months and shit because we blew all our cash buying copies of Dr. Hartley's American History final on eBay last semester. A car? Damn, if I had a car I'd be pulling in the mass-poontang. Don't fuckin' cry to me about only having an ugly orange and white taxi when I'm trying to pull tail on this crappy Huffy with coaster brakes that we stole after Scab-butt totally terrorized those grade-school kids last Halloween. (Man, that was fuckin' AWESOME!) AND a gun? Dude! Our air pistol was confiscated after that whole deal with Weenie getting wasted on MD 20/20 and Special-K when he spent three days shooting ball-caps off the fraternity dicks walking through the quad. Anyway, Saddam is just, like, the biggest panty-waist who ever snuck into his sister's room and jerked off over a Backstreet Boys poster. All that tough talk, and he turns out to be a scraggly-assed, Unabomber-bearded punk. Fuck him, fuck him right up his "ooh, I'm a big bad terrorist but I'm really just a whiny puss" ass. (Transcribed by Allen Lindsey)

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