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Holiday-Depressed Charlie Brown Commits Suicide

NEW YORK (DPI) - After years of battling the holiday blues, an unrequited love affair, tired story lines and a limelight-stealing pet dog, "Peanuts" comic strip character Charlie Brown could take it no longer and ended his own life last night. Investigators announced that Brown left nothing behind but a simple farewell note with the words "Good Grief!"

Lifelong friend Linus Van Pelt was shaken, but unsurprised by Brown's demise. "For the past 37 years, the poor bastard bought himself a crappy tree every Christmas. If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is. And then there was the bag full of rocks every Halloween. How much of that can someone take? I'm just relieved that he didn't shoot the rest of us before he wasted himself."

Lucy Van Pelt, Brown's psychiatrist, also felt the loss. "Charlie Brown has been coming to me forever," she said. "I don't know what I'm going to do -- the guy was my bread and butter, my best client. Don't get me wrong, I feel badly about this, too. But let's face it, the dumbass fell for the old pull-the-football-away-right-before-they-kick-it gag thousands of times, and not even *once* did he see it coming. What a blockhead."

Mourners paid their respects this morning to Brown, whose body was covered with a bedsheet ghost costume full of holes.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

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