Dumb Fuck Comes Through
Bronx, NY (DPI) - Friends and family are singing the praises
of 25-year-old local dumbfuck Dwayne Bratelli.
"He totally came through, man! I mean TOTALLY!" raves childhood friend
Raymond Zipperello. "I never would have thought he would actually come
through. After all, this is the same stupid shit who once stapled his
lips together in junior high."
Bratelli's mother, Mavis, is equally proud. "My baby finally came through!
I can't say that I thought this day would ever come," says the emotional
family matriarch, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "Dwayne was always
a 'special' child. Brains of a turnip, really. Personally, his father and
I were pleasantly surprised when he survived to adulthood. "
As word of Dwayne's achievement sweeps through the neighborhood, it draws
reaction even from those who don't know him.
"He's getting all this praise just for doing THAT?" snorts grocery clerk
Taylor Bay. "What's the deal? This guy some kind of colossal moron?"
When informed that Bratelli, in fact, once consumed a Costco-sized package
of suppositories on a dare, Bay softened his tone. "Oh, well. Good for him, I guess. "
Secure in the knowledge that he actually came through, hopeless dumb fuck
Bratelli is setting his sights even higher.
"Now he wants to try 'stepping up,'" mutters a visibly concerned
Zipperello. "I dunno. He's my friend and I love him but you gotta
understand, he is just so unbelievably fucking stupid! 'Coming
through' and 'stepping up' are two totally different things. I just
worry it's going to end up being that whole stapler thing all over again. "
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
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