CURRENT ISSUE 12/28/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Musing With Mitch Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Dumb Fuck Comes Through Bronx, NY (DPI) - Friends and family are singing the praises of 25-year-old local dumbfuck Dwayne Bratelli. "He totally came through, man! I mean TOTALLY!" raves childhood friend Raymond Zipperello. "I never would have thought he would actually come through. After all, this is the same stupid shit who once stapled his lips together in junior high." Bratelli's mother, Mavis, is equally proud. "My baby finally came through! I can't say that I thought this day would ever come," says the emotional family matriarch, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "Dwayne was always a 'special' child. Brains of a turnip, really. Personally, his father and I were pleasantly surprised when he survived to adulthood. " As word of Dwayne's achievement sweeps through the neighborhood, it draws reaction even from those who don't know him. "He's getting all this praise just for doing THAT?" snorts grocery clerk Taylor Bay. "What's the deal? This guy some kind of colossal moron?" When informed that Bratelli, in fact, once consumed a Costco-sized package of suppositories on a dare, Bay softened his tone. "Oh, well. Good for him, I guess. " Secure in the knowledge that he actually came through, hopeless dumb fuck Bratelli is setting his sights even higher. "Now he wants to try 'stepping up,'" mutters a visibly concerned Zipperello. "I dunno. He's my friend and I love him but you gotta understand, he is just so unbelievably fucking stupid! 'Coming through' and 'stepping up' are two totally different things. I just worry it's going to end up being that whole stapler thing all over again. " (Reported by Brad Osberg)
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