Pac Man Found Dead -- Full story
Claus-Mommy Trysts Down 12% in 2004
NEW YORK (DPI) - Santa Claus-related marital
infidelities were down significantly this year from
last, according to a poll of peeking children. "Far
fewer mommies were seen engaging in sub-mistletoe
activities with Mr. Claus," said pajama-clad Director
of Downstairs Intelligence Caitlin Rhee, 7. Rhee
believes the drop may be attributable to increased
homeland security measures, which detract valuable
time from Kringle's affair schedule, or to changes in
lipstick-detection techniques implemented in 2004 at
Claus's North Pole residence.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
La Scala's Renovation Complete, As If You Care
MILAN (DPI) - The world's most historic opera house, Teatro
Alla Scala, popularly known as "La Scala," reopened this
last week to bravo reviews. Like you give a shit. The grand
reopening was graced by a long-forgotten work written by Antonio
Salieri, a composer you couldn't care less about, for the original
opening of the famed building. The performance of this difficult piece
was well-received. La-di-freakin'-da. Experts conclude that it is now
safe for all but the most anal-retentive opera buffs and Jeopardy!
contestants to forget the very existence of La Scala until further notice.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Democrats Considering Large Blow to Nation's Head
ORLANDO (DPI) - Democratic National Committee members,
gathered in a strategy planning meeting in Florida,
proposed smacking the country on the head to try to
knock some sense into the nation. Explained outgoing
DNC Chair, Terry McAuliffe, "Record deficits as far as
the eye can see, giveaways to corporate cronies and
polluters, a quagmire in Iraq, Bin Laden still on the
loose... and the country re-elects President Bush?
I think the voters need a good whack on the noggin."
Critics of the party leadership called for a different
approach, suggesting that a quick knee to the groin
would be necessary to get the country's attention first.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Bush's Second-Term Cabinet Shakeup Continues
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush's nominee to
replace the resigning Tom Ridge as homeland security
director, Bernard Kerik, abruptly withdrew his name
from consideration when it was discovered that his
housekeeper/nanny was an undocumented foreigner. Bush
and his second-term transition team promise to scrutinize
future nominations more thoroughly. "We'd better start
putting up some lead-pipe cinches for Congressional
ratification," surmised Bush Chief of Staff Andrew Card, "or it
will take Brillo pads and Comet to scrub the egg of our faces."
The team is now choosing nominees it hopes will
prove to be less problematic, such as Rush Limbaugh
as FDA chief and Ken Lay as energy secretary.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Pope Drools for Peace at Midnight Mass
Iraq Announces New National Slogan: "Give Me Liberty or Give Me $20 and a Goat"
Chemical Ali Fails Drug Test
Senate Investigating Background of Secretary Nominee for Department of Nannies
Pistons Fans Demand Rumsfeld Supply More Body Armor
Cheetah/Zebra-Print Rift Divides Slut Community
14-Year-Old Soccer Phenom Freddy Adu Gets First Off-Field Score
President Bush Demands More Ponies
Paleontological Study: Pterodactyls Tasted Like Chicken
Sarah Jessica Parker Charged in NYC Shoe Avalanche
Jesus Stripped of "Redeemer" Title
Police Praise "Perfect" Carjacking
Dumb Fuck Comes Through
Denise Richards to Be Temporarily Un-Hot
FBI Investigates Mickey Rourke Dioxin Poisoning
12 Days of Christmas Giving Results in Arrest
BOSTON (DPI) – A couple in Boston Massachusetts were arrested earlier
this week and charged with a record number of slavery and theft counts.
The startling charges include over 40 counts of illegal human trafficking
including 12 drummers, 11 pipers, 10 rather jumpy lords, nine dancing women
and eight cattle milkers. The couple is also suspected in the robbery of
the Independence Aviary, where seven swans, six geese, three French
hens, two turtle doves and a partridge were stolen. In an unrelated
nearby robbery, five golden rings were stolen from Avon Jewelers.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Democrats Demand Armor for Clinton
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Senate Democrats today challenged President
George W. Bush to provide armor plating for their newest political vehicle, Sen.
Hillary Clinton. Said Democratic Indiana Senator Evan Bayh, "Sen.
Clinton is deserving of the full protection humanly possible, and to
that end, we call on President Bush to recognize this need and encase
her within thick, heavy metal plating as soon as possible." Concerns
have been raised that sheathing Senator Clinton might reduce her
battlefield maneuverability. "Even sheathed in inch-thick titanium,
I am certain that Sen. Clinton would be fully capable of both
serving her constituents and making the necessary roll call
votes," said Bayh. "But that's all secondary to our main concern:
her ability to withstand depleted uranium rounds."
(Reported by Brian Jones)
The Daily Probe reported recently that actor George Clooney
has sex with more gorgeous women in an average month than any
human being in history. Mr. Clooney's agent Sid Levine informed
us that we are "way off base" and have no concept of the
"unfathomable amount of gash" the actor parts in a single week.
According to Levine, "George sees more lips in a week than a dentist."
We apologize for the error.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)