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You People Are Mad If You Think Vader Couldn't Take the Borg Queen

Hulk All Talk, No Smash

Could You Terrorists Please Hire a Media Consultant?



Daily Probe Conversation With Arnold van Heuten

527 Groups Reach Compromise Agreement


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Mortifed Republicans Hire Bruce Vilanch

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Republican party has decided to bring in the big comedy guns, hiring legendary Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch to punch-up its humor. When speaker after speaker at the Republican National Convention assaulted Americans with unimaginative punch lines and bone-shudderingly tired clichés, the GOP decided it was time for a change. "Apart from the hearty chuckle we all got over the souvenir John Kerry 'flip-flops' for sale at the convention, things were pretty drab," said RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. "With $250 million at hand, we figured we could hire at least one speechwriter who's familiar with this 'humor' technique. When Arnold started calling the Democrats 'girlie men' and saying he'll 'terminate' them, I knew it was time to get on the horn to Hollywood." Gillespie asked the media not to dwell on Vilanch's homosexuality.

(Reported by Ken Martin/Tristan Fabriani)


Bush: Increased Poverty Rate Gives More the Chance to Rise from Poverty

WASHINGTON (DPI) - As the U.S. Census Bureau reported ranks of the poor and uninsured ros